This past weekend I heard a story that I physically felt touch my soul. Has that ever happened to you? It happens to me sometimes and when it does I recognize right away that feeling of Joy. The moments probably happen more than not but my life has become so crazy lately it seems I’ve been missing the Joy. I was so elated with this story that I stopped in mid conversation and said ” I have to write about this!”.
A couple of our friends were looking on Facebook Market Place and noticed an add that caught their eye right away. It was an add from a woman who cares for her mentally handicapped brother in law. She was in desperate need of a pair of Velcro sneakers for her brother in law and money was tight for them. She said in the add she could pay up to…
This quarantine has been a little difficult. I have been confined to my home 5 days a week and only go out on Saturday to get groceries. I stay inside with my kids and try to stay positive. Anout a month ago I had an extreme panic attack. I have anxiety and have had it for most of my life. For the most part I know when a panic attack will set in and then I try to calm myself down.
So my last panic attack was just crazy!! I have high blood pressure and have been on the same blood pressure medicine for over a year. So my panic attack started with me looking at my arm. I noticed that my arm was turning blue. Like my entire arm was turning bright blue. I started freaking out. I immediately called my mom and told her to video me. I wanted a second opinion. I showed my mom my arm and she completely agreed that my arm was blue. I freaked out. I hung up with my mom and started to see my other arm turn blue. Thoughts started racing in my mind. (Who would take care of my kids if I died?, What would my husband do without me?, Where would my kids live?) A million and one thoughts rushed to my mind in a matter of seconds making me freak out even more. I ran upstairs to my kids room and felt extremely disoriented, confused, lightheaded as if I was going to pass out. I looked at my children and could not remember their names. They then freaked out. I told my oldest to find my phone. Seconds felt like hours as we went searching for my phone. I got my phone and tried calling 911. I couldn’t find the numbers. Everything was a blur. I was getting more and more dizzy. I went downstairs and went outside. I was extremely confused. I tried walking to my next door neighbors house but stopped midway and forgot where I was going. I finally got through to 911 and the operator was amazing. It took about 6 minutes for the medics to arrive. They examined me and then took me by ambulance to the hospital. In the ambulance my blood pressure was 189/117 and I was feeling terrible. I felt weak, nervous, paranoid, exhusted and still dizzy.
We arrived at the hospital and it was jammed packed. I was put outside strapped to the gurnee. I had rushes of complete nervousness take over my entire body. I wanted to be free of the straps. I wanted off the gurnee. I felt paranoid as if somebody was coming for me. The paramedic did his best to calm me down but nothing worked. Twenty minutes later I finally entered the hospital. A doctor came and examined me. He took me to a wheelchair where I sat for the next 4 hours waiting to be seen. My heart was pumping out of my chest. Beating faster and faster. A nurse had taken my vitals and I was 180/100. She asked me if I was ok and I said no. She gave me some water. I drank it super fast. I asked her if I could have some more. I was thrn moved to another room where I was given a muscle relaxer and then released to go home.
This attack was like nothing I had ever experienced before. The next day I woke up and felt sore all over my body. I was very lethargic and dizzy. I knew something was not right so I decided to write my new doctor.
She was amazing! She reviewed my entire chart and asked me why I was on my blood pressure medicine. She told me stop taking my blood pressure medicine and to start taking a water pill. She also got me in touch with a psychologist and provided with with two anxiety apps to use on my phone. I was beyond ecstatic. I did some research of my own on anxiety and found yoga.
Now mind you, I am a big girl and I second guessed myself when I was looking at the positions!! I am 16 days of doing yoga and could not be more fulfilled. I feel at peace and my body and mind feel settled. I am trying my best to make the best out of this quarantine and use it to my advantage. I wake up early in the morning before everybody is up and go and do my yoga. I get complete quiet time to myself. It is much needed time for my body and soul. I think everybody needs to do self-care in these times of uncertainty. I am starting my adventure being a yogi and I look forward to what changes will come with my mind and body!!
Within the last couple of years my eyes have opened more to see things more clearly. I have noticed things about people that I may have just brushed off in the past. I realize people change and circumstances change but I didn’t realize that feelings changed so drastically. I am the type of person to take notice of other people’s body language and words. I know that if I am trying to talk to you and you are on your phone, I do not have your undivided attention. I also notice that when you can’t stop doing what you are doing and listen to me, then I truely do not have your attention. I also realize when my pure existence is just to keep you entertained. I am coming to understand that with one particular persons life, I am merely a puppet. This person thrives off of the fact that I am doing bad. They want me in a position to where they have to help me. If I dont NEED them then I am just another person to them. They merely feed off my misery. I have taken time to look back on my life and realized that there hasn’t been one time when this person was truely happy for me. I mean truely happy for me. They have always been there to support me, but that is because I was in need of them. Once I got onto my own two feet and started showing that I am doing good, I noticed a change. I noticed a change in behavior and feelings. I wanted this person to just be happy for me. Truely happy for me. Is it so hard for someone to be happy for someone else?
I think one of the most amazing feelings in the world is when you feel free. Free from judgement, free from comments and free from guilt. On this site I feel free. Free to write what ever it is I am feeling at the time and just let go of burdens. Right now in this very moment I am feeling wonderful. I get to spend every waking moment with two of the most precious boys. My boys mean so much to me. They make me smile, make me laugh and at times make me want to pull me hair out. But that’s ok. I would not change anything about either one of them. They are six years apart and this was not planned but it seems to be working out. They play together, wrestle together and bond together like no other.
I could have never predicted ten years ago that my life would be like this. My first son is amazing. His dad left me when he was two years old. His dad had told me when I was three months pregnant that two weeks before I had gotten pregnant that he did meth. I had the choice to put my son up for adoption but chose not to. I had the choice to give up on life and think that I am going to be dealing with a drug baby for the rest of my life. I chose the other route. I chose to do the right thing and try to be the best mom that I could be. I look at my son as a blessing. He basically saved and changed my life for the better. I was going down a very dark path and I was drinking excessively. When I found out that I was pregnant I had stopped drinking immediately. I refused to drink and have a child. It switched on a light that now I had someone to care for and tend to and I wanted my child to be proud that I was its mom. I kept the sex of the baby a secret. I never found out until he was born. I loved not knowing. I loved it being kept a secret. It made his coming to earth so much more special. I can still hear his cry and how much tugging they did on my belly to bring him to the outside world. Its a cry that I will never forget. I sit here writing this and it brings tears to my eyes just knowing that his father left him and never came back. I have had to go through a lot with my son. He did not speak until the age of 4 and was severly delayed with his speech. He had to have an IEP at the age of two and start receiving speech services. He also has problems with Executive functions, sequencing and predicting. At the age of six was when he learned how to open a door. He has no idea what to do next in situations. If we are driving somewhere and we park he has no clue that he has to get out of the car. He just sits there and waits patiently. Every process in life has been constant instructions. He cannot do two step instructions. He has to be told to do only one instruction at a time. It gets too mumbled jumbled for him. At the age of two we found out that he has hearing loss in his left ear. He had tubes put in twice. For the first surgery it went well and then he had to have a second surgery because his first tubes had fallen out. In a couple of months he will have to have another surgery. They will be doing a skin graft from these of his head to cover the hole in his ear and then inspect the three bones behind his ear to find out if that is what is causing his hearing loss. It has been a uphill battle that me and him face on a daily basis. I am happy that things turned out the way they did. Everything happens for a reason. Everything takes place for a special unknown reason. I am blessed for my first son and I make it known that he is and will forever be my baby boy. I think moms hold a special spot int here hearts for their first child. As unruly and feisty as they may be, I think first borns have a way to tug at moms heart strings.
Now my second born, oh my second born. Where do I begin. My second son is the most joyous, loving, spontaneous child I have ever met. He warms my heart and makes me melt. He is full of personality with no learning difficulties. He is very quick to learn and is very positive. He loves to laugh and play. I look at him and feel beyond blessed that he was brought into my life. He does not have any health issues so he is just a bundle of joy. He loves his brother more than anything and loves to play with him. My youngest teaches my oldest, which is so fun to watch. They bounce off of each other and clash at the same time. It’s hilarious when they play fight. I go throughout my day just feeling blessed and thankful for my boys. I know I was given both of these beautiful souls fro a reason. I treasure this quarantine and take it as a lesson. If I was at work and just did my daily grind I would be missing out on all of their little laughs, quirky jokes, and fun times.
It’s just a filter right?! A simple filter that a pretty popular Instagram user wanted to use. @holymariia decided that she would try to use a vitiligo filter on one of her pictures. She currently has 981K followers and is based in Jerusalem. I found out about her by my other following @laur_elyse. I have been following her since 2018. She has vitiligo and is a makeup artist. She actually found out about @holymariia’s post and was the first to comment on the picture. Other people agreed with Lauren. I wanted to see what the hype was all about so I took a look at the picture. It was a picture of @holymariia and yes she did have a filter of vitiligo. A filter of vitiligo. Even typing this makes me cringe. Somebody would actually use a filter to make a discoloration to their skin. I found this picture highly offensive. Why would you want to add a discoloration to your skin when people who have vitiligo strive for perfect skin? Just writing about this is making my vitiligo act up! I had commented on her photo and there were numerous people who were begging her to take this photo down. I checked this morning and the photo was still up. I just don’t understand the meaning of the photo. She states that she did the photo to raise awareness. What kind of awareness are you raising other than being insensitive to an auto-immune condition?! I am utterly appalled by this photo and how she would think that it would be cute. I try my best to cover every part of my vitiligo. Currently my eyebrows and eyelashes are changing to a super white color. I make sure to pluck every one of these out. I do my best to use makeup on my face where the vitiligo is prominent. What’s the big deal you ask? It comes down to feeling comfortable in your on skin. It comes down tot he fact hat vitiligo is not accepted by many people. Yes, Whinnie Harlow has brought vitiligo to the fashion scene and has shown that she can model with it but how about the reality of it. Most people are not a model and most people who have vitiligo have other health issues as well. I guess I am just upset that a filter would be used that is an auto-immune condition that has no cure. I know writing on her will not change anything but I was really struck but the insensitivity of a media influencer.
There is so much pressure to be beautiful. To be beautiful means to have beautiful skin. To look flawless. To look healthy. What if you were covered in scars? What if you had chicken skin on your arm? What if you always felt the need to cover up and camouflage your body? When you look better covered up than exposed…shouldn’t it be the other way around? What if you were so ashamed of how your body looked you wore sweaters in the summer time? Picture a hot sunny day, the sun rays are beating down on you and you had to keep yourself covered. You looked around and saw so many girls in tank tops or halter tops. It saddened me. It made me depressed. I wanted to go sleeveless, I wanted to show off my skin, I wanted to be cool and not sweating like a stuffed pig. But no. The stares would be unbearable. The looks of disgust, the frowns were something I could not handle. I stayed covered up. Covered in long sleeves. Long hot sleeves. Hiding myself from snarls, stares and disgust. I keep my arm protected. I took pictures on my right side never on my left. I hid my arm from everybody and everything. Not by choice. Because I had to!
Oh, I don’t even know where to begin with this one. Where to begin? It’s like I have a million and one words to write but cannot even begin. It’s frustrating and makes me infuriated at the same time. So let’s take it back about six years ago. A new person started working at my work. Let’s name her Beth. She kind of stayed to herself. She never really spoke to me. I would approach her and talk to her. We would see each other on a daily basis at work so I would make an effort to go and spend time with her.
Years would go by and we started hanging out at my house. She would come over and hang out with my family. We would have a girls day where we would go shopping and get our nails done. We opened up to one another about our past relationships. She was single and I am married so she would share her stories and I would share mine.
I really felt a bond with her. Beth would go and buy me little gifts here and there for my birthday and Christmas. I would buy her birthday gifts. I honestly thought she was a good friend to me. I have always wanted that kind of friendship. She was my go to girl. She was always there when I needed to talk or just to hang out.
I then noticed a shift. It was very slight but I did notice. I noticed it was me coming to see her more. It was me more going out of my way to do things for her. I noticed that I was becoming a second priority. Another girl at my work would go and buy her lunch like everyday and I noticed that they became closer. It hurt but I just brushed it off. I know my worth in any relationship. It came to a point where she started talking more about this other girl and how she would buy her things. Well, I am not that fortunate to constantly be spending money on a friend when I have a family to raise. Beth then started putting so much attention on her daughter and her daughter treated her like utter crap. Beth would go above and beyond for daughter and her daughter was so ungrateful. Beth spent hours making her a graduation present and her daughter said “Thanks” and then shoved it into her closet. Her daughter really used her. Beth just kept doing more and more things for her daughter and every time the daughter would be so ungrateful. It brought Beth to tears. She would break down and cry to me about everything. I was always there for her. Beth’s aunt had passed away and I did everything in my power to be there for her. I comforted her when she would have her breakdowns. I would constantly check on her. I offered to help her with anything that she needed. Beth’s grandma then passed away. This hit Beth so hard. She distanced herself from everybody. She stopped taking care of herself. She would blow me off numerous times when I tried to be there for her. I didn’t know what to do or how to be there for her. I gave her some space. When she did come around she placed the blame on me. I had no words. All I knew was that I was trying my best to be a good friend to her.
Beth’s birthday just passed. I went and got a really cute gift and made her feel special. I had some people sing to her. I tried my best to make her feel great on her day. Her daughter comes to see her at work and brings her food. Beth gets overly excited, almost starts crying and posts everything about her daughter on Snapchat. Not one single mention of me. Not one single mention of what I did for her. I asked Beth if she would want to come over and celebrate her birthday at my house. She didn’t want to come over unless my husband had a single friend come over. I begged her and begged her. She didn’t want to come over and see me. She wanted to see him. As I am writing this, I want to hit myself upside the head and say DUH!! All the times I had to beg for her to come over and hang out with me. The times when she would go see other people first and if there was time left then she could come see me. The fact that she never invited me inside her house. The fact that I was never to go hang out at her house. Why didn’t I see those as signs? I guess you really have to look back at situations to realize how people are.
So, fast forward years later. Beth gets hurt at work. I had been overwhelmed with a ton of work and never even had a break from my workspace. I finally had the chance to go and see her. Come to find out she had been absent for two days. I immediately texted Beth to find out if she was ok. Four hours had passed and I had not heard a word. I then went to her supervisor to find out what had happened. Her supervisor had let me see text messages between them about what had happened to Beth. I then had several employees coming up to me telling me things about Beth that I had no idea. It hit me like a semi-truck. I woke up. I was done. I was done being a last priority. I was done being treated like this. How could other people know what’s going on when her when own good friend has no idea? She then finally texts me four hours later to let me know what had happened. I let her know that I had already heard from her supervisor. No more conversation. No more text messages. Two days later I get a text that says “Hope all is good. Have a good day and take care.” I responded with “Thanks you too.” I then go onto snapchat the next day to see a post written by Beth that says “I thought you were a good friend to me. Theres a reason why I never wanted to open up again because I knew I would get hurt.” It was posted with a sad crying face. At this point I am lost for words. Now I am the bad friend. I am the bad person. I am the reason why she never opened up. See, now with me, I am not the one to just be quiet. I went straight to Instagram and wrote her a huge message about exactly how I felt. I pointed out things she was doing. I pointed out how I felt like I was second priority. She responds with “I feel the best thing is for you not to have someone like me in your life. Obviously, I wasn’t a good friend to you. Obviously there are better people in your life that have and will be there for you more than I ever did. You deserve better than me in your life.” In other words she no longer wants to be my friend. Just like that!! Poof!! She no longer wants to be my friend because I told her how I felt. I told her what she was doing to me. BAM!!! She wants nothing to do with me. I had no words. I didn’t even respond. I left it alone. I went and checked my social media and she did not delete herself. Two weeks went by and she was still on my social media. I went ahead and texted her about why she would still want to be on my social media. She says sorry and that she will remove herself and that would be my birthday gift. I wish I could make this nonsense up. I once again did not engage. That was my birthday gift. Finalizing our friendship that she ended. How are you supposed to feel after that? How are you supposed to heal after that? I guess right now I am frustrated, angry, hurt and confused. I am at a total loss of words. I just don’t understand why people act the way they do? If I am a bad person let me know. If I hurt you in anyway, let me know. Just let me know. Friendships can always be repaired, right? Not this one. I am no longer going to allow myself to be hurt. I am no longer going to allow myself to be used.
Looking back to how I was raised a word that continually jumps out is “forced”. Forced smiles, forced acting good, forced acting like I want to be around these people, and forced interactions. Forced to behave or else. Forced to go give hugs and kisses to people I didn’t know. Forced to be on my best behavior of sitting quietly. I remember only being with my extended family only on holidays. I laugh now about it, but in all reality, they really were my “Holiday Family.”
Not family that would be there for you when times got tough. Not family that would want to involved in your life. Not family that actually cared about your well-being. No, just family you saw in the holidays where you had to fake everything.
Fast forward years later to my birthday. Let me just say that I hate social media. Its an opportunity for fake relationships and fake interactions. My lovely mom goes ahead and makes a facebook post about my birthday. A cousin of mine then decides to write “Tell her I said Happy Birthday.” My mom goes on to speak about how I have been feeling lately. My cousin then wants more information. This triggered me so badly I felt compelled to get onto my moms facebook page to respond. I am finding that the older I get, the less of a filter I have. I did my best to maintain composure but I did give her a piece of my mind. What could have possibly triggered me, you ask. Well, I am sorry but I have a facebook. My cousin knows that I have a Facebook page. She also has Facebook messenger and a phone. If she REALLY cared about how I was doing, why wouldn’t she just friend me on Facebook? Why wouldn’t she have asked for my phone number? No instead she immediately calls my mom to discuss what I had written. I just do not have words for how I feel right now.
I have tried numerous times to reach out to my cousins to build some kind of relationship. I have asked to hang out over the weekends, to go shopping, and for them to come hang out at my house. They either never responded or just gave excuses.
I always have to question my reaction in situations such as these because I know that I get triggered easily. I guess at first I felt angry. I felt angry because I do not understand why somebody would do that.
I have to say for the remainder of the day I was in a very bad mood. According to my mom, my cousin is supposed to call me. I doubt this will ever happen. If if they did call, I wouldn’t have much to say. I mean, what could I say. Everything that I would want to say would be bitter and negative. I refuse to live my life feeling bitter. Today I choose to put it on “let go.” Just let it go and continue loving those around me that truely love and care for me. Happy Birthday to me!!
He knew what he was doing. He knew how the night was going to take place. Every step strategically planned out. Planned out to his advantage. Planned out HIS way. He gets her excited for a party. A party where they have to pick out costumes together. They wanted to look their best. They wanted to impress everybody. They show up to the party looking great. Everybody is commenting on their costumes. They are laughing, enjoying the moment. Enjoying the sights and sounds. They were just friends. Friends that were supposed to have trust in one another. Friends that were supposed to depend on one another for security and comfort. They had known each other for a couple if years now. A very great friendship where secrets were exchanged and great memories were made with one a other. The night is going great. More people are showing up. The music is playing. People are dancing having a great time. He goes and offers her a drink and she declines. He waits a little longer and she accepts. Shes too young for this. Shes too young to be having alcohol. She drinks it and does not like the taste. He encourages her to drink more. She declines amd goes to dance. He moves in close to her. She’s not used to him. She’s not used to this other person he has become. She pushes him away. He smiles and laughs. Oh that smile! That smile that could light up a room. He tries again to get her to drink. This time the drink was something different. It smelled sweet but bitter. She likes it. It makes her feel powerful, free, carefree. She asks for another one. He refuses. But soon gives in and gives her another. She enjoys it. She starts dancing. Dancing wildly. Throwing her hands up the air, shaking and moving her body in ways she never thought she could. He was enjoying her. He was enjoying her carelessness. He watches over her and she notices. She sees how his eyes move up and down her body. Undressing her mildly but something inside her drives to move more. To drink more. She likes the attention. She craves for his attention. Its getting late and the party is coming to an end. He is begging to stay the night. She knows her parents won’t allow it. But they are just friends and her parents trusted him. Her parents give in and allowed him stay. She is surprised they said yes and unexpectedly happy about their decision. She decides to just keep her clothes on and crawls into bed. Her world is spinning. She cannot focus. She cannot see straight. Her head is hurting. Suddenly everything goes black.
She is awoken by the sound of her mom making coffee. She strains to open her eyes. Everything hurts. Her legs hurt, her breasts hurt and even down there is very sore. She looks down at her clothes. She is in a different set of clothes. Her panties are different. What happened? Why was she in completely different clothes? Where did he go? She heard a noise in the bathroom. It was him. She covered herself with the blanket. He walks into the room and smiles at her. She doesn’t understand. She doesn’t know how to feel. Her body goes numb. What happened? Why was she in different clothes? Her mom comes into the room and asks how everything is. She lies and says fine. She really just wants to run into her moms arms and just cry. She wants the tears to fall. Something happened last night. Something happened that she is responsible for. She wants to tell her mom. She can’t get the words out. She can’t speak. She stays quiet. She doesn’t say anything.
Days later she decides to meet up with him. She wants to talk about that night. She has questions that need to be answered. She sees him and he is standoffish. He slowly approaches her. She blurts out “What happened that night?” She can’t help it. Its eating her up inside. She knows something happened. “You couldn’t keep your hands off of me.” She laughs and replies “Yea right.” “It’s true. You wanted me, so I gave you me.” A million thoughts rush through her mind. Confused. Anger. Frustration. Just a whrilwind of emotions overloading her mind. “Well do you want the details?” He asked. “NO!” she yells. She didn’t want to know what had happened. She turned and left. She left him there puzzled. In the following weeks flashblacks would come to her. Pictures. Very vivid pictures of what had happened that night. Pictures that she would never be able to erase. Smells that she could never forget.
It wasn’t that bad though. She had wanted it, right?