Category: Family

The Wedding

The wedding day was slowly approaching and she was freaking out. It wasn’t even her wedding day. It was the closet person to her, her sisters wedding. Everything was going smoothly until the day came to decide on the maid of honor and bridesmaid dresses. She knew what was in store. Her sister would want her to wear something form fitting, revealing and something not her style. She dreaded going shopping but she knew she had to go. The first store was a total bust. The bridesmaid had found a dress that was perfect for her body because she was a size 2! She could wear any dress in the entire store! Not her though, she was size 20. She had curvy hips and an unforgiving backside.

On to store two they go. Looking around the store there were a ton of beautiful dresses. Some in sizes up to 28. She was finally starting to feel a little more at ease. She liked the selection and the bigger sizes. Out of no where her sister pulls out this ungodly atrocious maroon dress. It was form fitting and had capped sleeves. Her sister was being pushy and convinced her to at least have her try it on. She went to the dressing room and crawled into the dress. Every possible place that could bulge, did. She tried lifting her arms and they would stop midway from being so tight. Then she had her entire arm completely exposed. Her entire burned arm was exposed. How could she tell her sister that she was uncomfortable? How could she let her sister know that the dress was not going to work?

It would have been ok and she would have made it work but then there was the best man. The best man who was constantly flirting with her and would have to walk her down the aisle. He would have to look at her arm. He would have to see the scars. She was mortified. She kept quiet about the dress and left without buying it. Her sister was very persistent and made her go to the wedding shop again. They went and she tried on the dress again and was sick to her stomach. She was not walking down the aisle in this dress. Well, her mom stepped in and made her wear the dress and said that “It wouldn’t be that bad.” She bought the dress, got home and shoved it in the closet. She wanted nothing to do with that horrid dress and wanted to forget all about it.

The wedding day had arrived. The bridesmaid and the sister had went to go get their makeup and nails done and did not invite her. She got dressed at her parents house by herself and did her own hair and makeup. She arrived at the church and tired to sit in the dressing room. The dress was super uncomfortable so she had to stand. The sister’s vail was crooked and she tried to fix it but her arms would not go up higher than midway. The sister started to get upset and yell at her. She explained how the dress was and that it was super uncomfortable. All she heard was “Deal with it” and “It’s your sisters day, don’t ruin it” from her mom.

The time came for her to walk down the aisle. She started to to tear up and wanted to run out of there but she didn’t want to make a scene. She grabbed her flowers and tried to cover her arm as much as possible. The best man had no idea what was going on but did look at her arm and made a weird grossed out look. She was humiliated. She came up with up a brilliant idea that she could just hide her arm by switching sides with the best man. It would solve everything!! She could hide her scars from everybody.

Well, that didn’t work out. As soon as they started to line up she tried to go to the other side and her mom saw what she was trying to do and started yelling at her! She argued that it was fine and not big deal but her mom was not having it. Her mom grabbed her by the arm and told her to stand on the other side. She wanted to burst into tears. Did nobody understand what was going on? Could nobody see how much she wanted to hide herself?

The music started and the best man pulled her down the aisle. She was so embarrassed. Friends and family were just peering at her arm like she was an alien. Eyes bulging out of their heads with snide looks. She kept walking and was finally at the alter. She finally could feel some relief. She was finally able to hide her arm. She stood at the alter with her face as red as the dress. Finally the vows were said and the kiss was made!! It was done. It was over with!

*This was one of the most humiliating times in my life that I want to forget even existed but I seem to remember a lot. It would be the setup for the next five years of my life that would be total hell. This was the day that had started everything.

Seeing more clearly

Within the last couple of years my eyes have opened more to see things more clearly. I have noticed things about people that I may have just brushed off in the past. I realize people change and circumstances change but I didn’t realize that feelings changed so drastically. I am the type of person to take notice of other people’s body language and words. I know that if I am trying to talk to you and you are on your phone, I do not have your undivided attention. I also notice that when you can’t stop doing what you are doing and listen to me, then I truely do not have your attention.  I also realize when my pure existence is just to keep you entertained. I am coming to understand that with one particular persons life, I am merely a puppet. This person thrives off of the fact that I am doing bad. They want me in a position to where they have to help me. If I dont NEED them then I am just another person to them. They merely feed off my misery. I have taken time to look back on my life and realized that there hasn’t been one time when this person was truely happy for me. I mean truely happy for me. They have always been there to support me, but that is because I was in need of them. Once I got onto my own two feet and started showing that I am doing good, I noticed a change. I noticed a change in behavior and feelings. I wanted this person to just be happy for me. Truely happy for me. Is it so hard for someone to be happy for someone else?

Feeling free

I think one of the most amazing feelings in the world is when you feel free. Free from judgement, free from comments and free from guilt. On this site I feel free. Free to write what ever it is I am feeling at the time and just let go of burdens. Right now in this very moment I am feeling wonderful. I get to spend every waking moment with two of the most precious boys. My boys mean so much to me. They make me smile, make me laugh and at times make me want to pull me hair out. But that’s ok. I would not change anything about either one of them. They are six years apart and this was not planned but it seems to be working out. They play together, wrestle together and bond together like no other.

I could have never predicted ten years ago that my life would be like this. My first son is amazing. His dad left me when he was two years old. His dad had told me when I was three months pregnant that two weeks before I had gotten pregnant that he did meth. I had the choice to put my son up for adoption but chose not to. I had the choice to give up on life and think that I am going to be dealing with a drug baby for the rest of my life. I chose the other route. I chose to do the right thing and try to be the best mom that I could be. I look at my son as a blessing. He basically saved and changed my life for the better. I was going down a very dark path and I was drinking excessively. When I found out that I was pregnant I had stopped drinking immediately. I refused to drink and have a child. It switched on a light that now I had someone to care for and tend to and I wanted my child to be proud that I was its mom. I kept the sex of the baby a secret. I never found out until he was born. I loved not knowing. I loved it being kept a secret. It made his coming to earth so much more special. I can still hear his cry and how much tugging they did on my belly to bring him to the outside world. Its a cry that I will never forget. I sit here writing this and it brings tears to my eyes just knowing that his father left him and never came back. I have had to go through a lot with my son. He did not speak until the age of 4 and was severly delayed with his speech. He had to have an IEP at the age of two and start receiving speech services. He also has problems with Executive functions, sequencing and predicting. At the age of six was when he learned how to open a door. He has no idea what to do next in situations. If we are driving somewhere and we park he has no clue that he has to get out of the car. He just sits there and waits patiently. Every process in life has been constant instructions. He cannot do two step instructions. He has to be told to do only one instruction at a time. It gets too mumbled jumbled for him. At the age of two we found out that he has hearing loss in his left ear. He had tubes put in twice. For the first surgery it went well and then he had to have a second surgery because his first tubes had fallen out. In a couple of months he will have to have another surgery. They will be doing a skin graft from these of his head to cover the hole in his ear and then inspect the three bones behind his ear to find out if that is what is causing his hearing loss. It has been a uphill battle that me and him face on a daily basis. I am happy that things turned out the way they did. Everything happens for a reason. Everything takes place for a special unknown reason. I am blessed for my first son and I make it known that he is and will forever be my baby boy. I think moms hold a special spot int here hearts for their first child. As unruly and feisty as they may be, I think first borns have a way to tug at moms heart strings.

Now my second born, oh my second born. Where do I begin. My second son is the most joyous, loving, spontaneous child I have ever met. He warms my heart and makes me melt. He is full of personality with no learning difficulties. He is very quick to learn and is very positive. He loves to laugh and play. I look at him and feel beyond blessed that he was brought into my life. He does not have any health issues so he is just a bundle of joy. He loves his brother more than anything and loves to play with him. My youngest teaches my oldest, which is so fun to watch. They bounce off of each other and clash at the same time. It’s hilarious when they play fight. I go throughout my day just feeling blessed and thankful for my boys. I know I was given both of these beautiful souls fro a reason. I treasure this quarantine and take it as a lesson. If I was at work and just did my daily grind I would be missing out on all of their little laughs, quirky jokes, and fun times.

Happy Birthday!

Looking back to how I was raised a word that continually jumps out is “forced”. Forced smiles, forced acting good, forced acting like I want to be around these people, and forced interactions. Forced to behave or else. Forced to go give hugs and kisses to people I didn’t know. Forced to be on my best behavior of sitting quietly. I remember only being with my extended family only on holidays. I laugh now about it, but in all reality, they really were my “Holiday Family.”

Not family that would be there for you when times got tough. Not family that would want to involved in your life. Not family that actually cared about your well-being. No, just family you saw in the holidays where you had to fake everything.

Fast forward years later to my birthday. Let me just say that I hate social media. Its an opportunity for fake relationships and fake interactions. My lovely mom goes ahead and makes a facebook post about my birthday. A cousin of mine then decides to write “Tell her I said Happy Birthday.” My mom goes on to speak about how I have been feeling lately. My cousin then wants more information. This triggered me so badly I felt compelled to get onto my moms facebook page to respond. I am finding that the older I get, the less of a filter I have. I did my best to maintain composure but I did give her a piece of my mind. What could have possibly triggered me, you ask. Well, I am sorry but I have a facebook. My cousin knows that I have a Facebook page. She also has Facebook messenger and a phone. If she REALLY cared about how I was doing, why wouldn’t she just friend me on Facebook? Why wouldn’t she have asked for my phone number? No instead she immediately calls my mom to discuss what I had written. I just do not have words for how I feel right now.

I have tried numerous times to reach out to my cousins to build some kind of relationship. I have asked to hang out over the weekends, to go shopping, and for them to come hang out at my house. They either never responded or just gave excuses.

I always have to question my reaction in situations such as these because I know that I get triggered easily. I guess at first I felt angry. I felt angry because I do not understand why somebody would do that.

I have to say for the remainder of the day I was in a very bad mood. According to my mom, my cousin is supposed to call me. I doubt this will ever happen. If if they did call, I wouldn’t have much to say. I mean, what could I say. Everything that I would want to say would be bitter and negative. I refuse to live my life feeling bitter. Today I choose to put it on “let go.” Just let it go and continue loving those around me that truely love and care for me. Happy Birthday to me!!

My household

I grew up in a household with both of my parents working. My dad worked his tail off for many years. He worked nights and the swingshift position. He was injured twice on the job. His first injury was when he broke his back and was paralyzed. The doctors told my mom that he would have a 25% chance to ever walk again even with surgery. My mom being young, depending on my dads income and having two young children, freaked out.  He opted for the surgery and pulled through. He had about a 6 month recovery time from that accident. My mom stood by his side the entire time. He is doing better but is still in a ton of pain. He is able to walk and function on his own. A couple of years after the surgery he had gotten arthritis in the spot where they had cut him. There’s not much that they can do for something like that so my dad just maintains. He was recently hit by an off duty police officer that had been out drinking and playing golf. He suffered a broken shoulder because of that “accident”. He had to have two separate surgeries to fix the torn muscles and ligaments. He also got trigger finger in three fings because of the shoulder surgery. He is in a ton of pain everyday because of these life changing events. He now drinks heavily to kill the pain. I do not blame my dad for drinking. It just kills me to see him killing himself. My mom has been so strong and has been with my dad every step of the way. She has tried her best to maintain the household and be a loving wife. My dad is miserable at times and feels like he is very limited. I have never met a stronger man than my dad. He is headstrong and so determined. I understand more about why I am the way I am from looking at my parents. My mom tries to be the best mom and wife she knows how to be. She continues to try to stay supportive of my life decisions despite them being outrageous and odd. She is always there for me when I need emotional support. My dad even though he is in pain loves to help me out with things I need done at my house. He never complains about helping me and is the most reliable person I have ever met. My dad is always worried aboutmy wellbeing and how my family is doing. he is very considerate and giving. I  As the years go by you start to realize who you are as a person by looking at who your parents are. I love my parents dearly and it is tough seeing them get older. I am having a hard time watching them slow down, and want to take more time and them needing to take naps. Having parents who have been so involved in every aspect of your life makes it hard to see them getting older. My parents have played such a huge role in why I am the person I am today. When I got burned of the age of 3 years old. My mom and dads life basically stopped. I became their main priority and number one concern. My mom made everything so nice for me. She was very tender and considerate of my needs. She made sure that even though I had restraints that I still enjoyed my child hood. I had to wear pressure garments but I still went swimming in a little pool in our backyard. I had to wear a cover up when I went swimming but she made sure to buy me the cutest bathing suit. She took the extra steps to make sure I was comfortable. She transformed our entire living room into my mini hospital. I had to be rubbed down in lotion every night and had to have my pressure garments changed nightly. I remember how she took her time with me and always made sure to make sure I was ok. My mom was alone a lot since my dad worked so much but she made sure me and my sister were involved in things. My sister played the flute and loved being in a band. She is so talented with music. She can keep a beat like no other. In High school we would wake up at 4am to go to her band reviews. She always looked so great in her outfit and she took it very seriously. I feel like my mom tried her best to treat my sister and me equally but I know she favored me a little more. I felt it. I noticed it. My sister noticed it as well. You are never given a book on how to be a parents so you just try your best. You try to treat your children equally. You try to give them the same amount of love. I was never jealous of my sister. I never envied things that she had gotten or how much attention she got from being in a band. I enjoyed listening to her. I enjoyed being around her when she was playing her flute. My parents were amazing to my sister and me. Until this day my mom still asks me if she was a good mom. She feels like she didn’t do enough. I feel like she went above and beyond and is an amazing mom. I couldn’t have asked for a better care giver, provider and supporter.  Life can throw you all kinds of curve balls and unexpected events. You just try to make the best of them but having supportive parents seemed to make life a little more easier.

Personal

PhotoGrid_1405123489955I am hesitant to write about something that can trigger a million emotions. I had found a note that said “If you have found this I am gone. He did it.” I am taken back to the very minute I wrote this note. My ex had found out that I started a Facebook page. He had become enraged and threatened my life. I had locked my bedroom door and was hiding in my closet. I was breathing heavily, shaking, I couldn’t catch my breath. I was terrified. I knew my life was at risk. I knew he was going to strangle me. He had done it to me several times in the past. He always got what he wanted. He had always gotten his way. I was always forced to conform. I was always forced to mold into his ways. My voice had been taken away. I was his and his alone. He made great money and gave me everything I wanted. We drove new cars had a beautiful house but I was taken away from everything I loved. My family was forgotten about, I lost all of my friends. I was a prisoner in my own home. I remember going to the store and I went to grab his hand to walk with him. He told me no and that I was to walk behind him. If I didn’t listen I knew what was in store. I didn’t want to make a scene. Don’t ever make a scene out in public. You put on a front to make-believe your relationship is perfect. It was sickening. What was I doing to myself? I believed he loved me. I believed he wanted me. I was forced to do many things I did not want to do. I was lonely. I was alone in HIS world. I was fake. I had to be fake. I had to be fake in order to survive. Those were the worst years of my entire life. I look back on my memories and just shake my head. How could I let those things happen?

Make the pain go away

Treated so bad, tortured every night. Many days sitting by himself, making his life not right.

Left for endless hours all alone, beaten as a child, personality turning to stone.

Hearing the sound of the truck engine and whispers through the door, he knew his time was coming, he knew what was in store.

He would wear thick jeans but that only lasted so long, the man behind the belt knew the boy had done wrong.

He would take the boys clothes to just bare skin, nothing but bare bottom and legs very thin.

How come he got beat? What did he do so bad? How come the mom never helped, how come she never felt sad?

The boy knew she was listening right outside the door, she heard every swat and knew there would be more.

The woman never stopped, never interferred, was she deaf and blind or did she just not care?

Time went past and the whoopings still came, the man tried so hard but the boy was something he could never tame.

The man and woman ruled his every move, controlled his every thought, anger isn’t learned it is something that is taught.

Years went by, and the abuse occured everyday, It was something that was hidden under sarcasm, hate and dismay.

Getting the courage to tell the man how things really are, once again the man putting the blame on the boy and denying the hidden scars.

“I was such a bad Dad and I know what I did wasn’t right”, those were the words spoken on that long unavoidable night.

Time went by and the boy had to act fake. Fake smiles, laughs and grins, he did it for the girls sake .

Words were exchanged in the pool that spring, the mom was being rude and questioned the fake ring.

The time had come where the boy had something to say, “I am wanting to depart and go my own way”

I don’t want any games, just let me be. I will find my own way and finally be set free.

He is now able to do what he wants to do, living his own life and deciding on what to persue.

The names still come up nearly everyday, his life will never be the same but now he can lead his own way.

Granny

As the years go by people come and go, I never thought losing you would make me feel so low. Though we weren’t that close you have a special place in my heart. I will always think of you, those memeories will never part.

You lived a long time, you touched a lot of lives. Granny, you were the best great-grandma I could ever asked for, I only wish we could have shared good-byes.

Times goes by whether you like it or not, you have the choice to love or to live with angry thoughts. You have touched my inner self with the little things you say, I will miss you forever, each passing day.

Some goodbyes are goodbyes but some goodbyes are forever.

Memories

20141027_181252Do you ever have flashbacks of your younger years? I get them more now than ever. I have random memories pop up and I feel lost in that moment. Some memories are amazing others not so much. My latest memory was when I was in 3rd grade. They had these huge metal rings that you would swing on. You had to stand in line to get your turn. It was my turn and I look over to my left and I see my mom on the playground. My mom worked as an assist in a classroom and helped out in classrooms. My hands were very sweaty so I wiped them off on my jeans and reached for the first ring. Because of my burn I was not able to stretch out my arm as my other arm. My mom started walking in closer. I just smiled at her as if I was reassuring her that I was ok. I then proceeded to start a swinging motion for the second ring. My hand had slipped and I feel into the bark. I heard a couple of snickers but I brushed myself off and stood up. Before I knew it my mom was grabbing me under my underarns and tried to put me on the rings. I got so upset. I started kicking my legs and telling her no. Some of the kids got upset and started telling me I had to wait in line again. I felt so embarrassed. Why would my mom do this to me? Did she feel sorry for me?

All my life I was treated differently than my sister. I was given more and shown more love. They say favoritism shouldn’t exsist in a family. That’s all I felt growing up. I was given special treatment because I was burned. I felt bad for my sister. Till this day my mom and sisters relationship is very toxic. I am always put in the middle of their arguements. I hear both sides and I have to stay neutral. My sister doesn’t understand my mom and my mom doesn’t understand my sister. Its a constant struggle. I love both of them dearly.