Category: relatioonship

The Wedding

The wedding day was slowly approaching and she was freaking out. It wasn’t even her wedding day. It was the closet person to her, her sisters wedding. Everything was going smoothly until the day came to decide on the maid of honor and bridesmaid dresses. She knew what was in store. Her sister would want her to wear something form fitting, revealing and something not her style. She dreaded going shopping but she knew she had to go. The first store was a total bust. The bridesmaid had found a dress that was perfect for her body because she was a size 2! She could wear any dress in the entire store! Not her though, she was size 20. She had curvy hips and an unforgiving backside.

On to store two they go. Looking around the store there were a ton of beautiful dresses. Some in sizes up to 28. She was finally starting to feel a little more at ease. She liked the selection and the bigger sizes. Out of no where her sister pulls out this ungodly atrocious maroon dress. It was form fitting and had capped sleeves. Her sister was being pushy and convinced her to at least have her try it on. She went to the dressing room and crawled into the dress. Every possible place that could bulge, did. She tried lifting her arms and they would stop midway from being so tight. Then she had her entire arm completely exposed. Her entire burned arm was exposed. How could she tell her sister that she was uncomfortable? How could she let her sister know that the dress was not going to work?

It would have been ok and she would have made it work but then there was the best man. The best man who was constantly flirting with her and would have to walk her down the aisle. He would have to look at her arm. He would have to see the scars. She was mortified. She kept quiet about the dress and left without buying it. Her sister was very persistent and made her go to the wedding shop again. They went and she tried on the dress again and was sick to her stomach. She was not walking down the aisle in this dress. Well, her mom stepped in and made her wear the dress and said that “It wouldn’t be that bad.” She bought the dress, got home and shoved it in the closet. She wanted nothing to do with that horrid dress and wanted to forget all about it.

The wedding day had arrived. The bridesmaid and the sister had went to go get their makeup and nails done and did not invite her. She got dressed at her parents house by herself and did her own hair and makeup. She arrived at the church and tired to sit in the dressing room. The dress was super uncomfortable so she had to stand. The sister’s vail was crooked and she tried to fix it but her arms would not go up higher than midway. The sister started to get upset and yell at her. She explained how the dress was and that it was super uncomfortable. All she heard was “Deal with it” and “It’s your sisters day, don’t ruin it” from her mom.

The time came for her to walk down the aisle. She started to to tear up and wanted to run out of there but she didn’t want to make a scene. She grabbed her flowers and tried to cover her arm as much as possible. The best man had no idea what was going on but did look at her arm and made a weird grossed out look. She was humiliated. She came up with up a brilliant idea that she could just hide her arm by switching sides with the best man. It would solve everything!! She could hide her scars from everybody.

Well, that didn’t work out. As soon as they started to line up she tried to go to the other side and her mom saw what she was trying to do and started yelling at her! She argued that it was fine and not big deal but her mom was not having it. Her mom grabbed her by the arm and told her to stand on the other side. She wanted to burst into tears. Did nobody understand what was going on? Could nobody see how much she wanted to hide herself?

The music started and the best man pulled her down the aisle. She was so embarrassed. Friends and family were just peering at her arm like she was an alien. Eyes bulging out of their heads with snide looks. She kept walking and was finally at the alter. She finally could feel some relief. She was finally able to hide her arm. She stood at the alter with her face as red as the dress. Finally the vows were said and the kiss was made!! It was done. It was over with!

*This was one of the most humiliating times in my life that I want to forget even existed but I seem to remember a lot. It would be the setup for the next five years of my life that would be total hell. This was the day that had started everything.

Feeling free

I think one of the most amazing feelings in the world is when you feel free. Free from judgement, free from comments and free from guilt. On this site I feel free. Free to write what ever it is I am feeling at the time and just let go of burdens. Right now in this very moment I am feeling wonderful. I get to spend every waking moment with two of the most precious boys. My boys mean so much to me. They make me smile, make me laugh and at times make me want to pull me hair out. But that’s ok. I would not change anything about either one of them. They are six years apart and this was not planned but it seems to be working out. They play together, wrestle together and bond together like no other.

I could have never predicted ten years ago that my life would be like this. My first son is amazing. His dad left me when he was two years old. His dad had told me when I was three months pregnant that two weeks before I had gotten pregnant that he did meth. I had the choice to put my son up for adoption but chose not to. I had the choice to give up on life and think that I am going to be dealing with a drug baby for the rest of my life. I chose the other route. I chose to do the right thing and try to be the best mom that I could be. I look at my son as a blessing. He basically saved and changed my life for the better. I was going down a very dark path and I was drinking excessively. When I found out that I was pregnant I had stopped drinking immediately. I refused to drink and have a child. It switched on a light that now I had someone to care for and tend to and I wanted my child to be proud that I was its mom. I kept the sex of the baby a secret. I never found out until he was born. I loved not knowing. I loved it being kept a secret. It made his coming to earth so much more special. I can still hear his cry and how much tugging they did on my belly to bring him to the outside world. Its a cry that I will never forget. I sit here writing this and it brings tears to my eyes just knowing that his father left him and never came back. I have had to go through a lot with my son. He did not speak until the age of 4 and was severly delayed with his speech. He had to have an IEP at the age of two and start receiving speech services. He also has problems with Executive functions, sequencing and predicting. At the age of six was when he learned how to open a door. He has no idea what to do next in situations. If we are driving somewhere and we park he has no clue that he has to get out of the car. He just sits there and waits patiently. Every process in life has been constant instructions. He cannot do two step instructions. He has to be told to do only one instruction at a time. It gets too mumbled jumbled for him. At the age of two we found out that he has hearing loss in his left ear. He had tubes put in twice. For the first surgery it went well and then he had to have a second surgery because his first tubes had fallen out. In a couple of months he will have to have another surgery. They will be doing a skin graft from these of his head to cover the hole in his ear and then inspect the three bones behind his ear to find out if that is what is causing his hearing loss. It has been a uphill battle that me and him face on a daily basis. I am happy that things turned out the way they did. Everything happens for a reason. Everything takes place for a special unknown reason. I am blessed for my first son and I make it known that he is and will forever be my baby boy. I think moms hold a special spot int here hearts for their first child. As unruly and feisty as they may be, I think first borns have a way to tug at moms heart strings.

Now my second born, oh my second born. Where do I begin. My second son is the most joyous, loving, spontaneous child I have ever met. He warms my heart and makes me melt. He is full of personality with no learning difficulties. He is very quick to learn and is very positive. He loves to laugh and play. I look at him and feel beyond blessed that he was brought into my life. He does not have any health issues so he is just a bundle of joy. He loves his brother more than anything and loves to play with him. My youngest teaches my oldest, which is so fun to watch. They bounce off of each other and clash at the same time. It’s hilarious when they play fight. I go throughout my day just feeling blessed and thankful for my boys. I know I was given both of these beautiful souls fro a reason. I treasure this quarantine and take it as a lesson. If I was at work and just did my daily grind I would be missing out on all of their little laughs, quirky jokes, and fun times.

Beauty Marks

IMG_20180712_165623_241“Mama, why do I have spots on my body?” That is a question I had always asked my mom. Her response never changed, “They are your beauty marks.” Even though she would tell me this, I never felt beautiful. I wanted to be beautiful. I wanted to fit in. I wanted normal skin. Beautiful flawless skin. Skin without scars, without spots. Why did this happen to me? Why did I get so unlucky? These were questions I had asked myself on a daily basis. I would wake up in the morning, look into the mirror and then look away. Finally after graduating highschool, I decided that I would not let my spots get the best of me. I decided to do some research. I made an appointment with a dermatologist and found out I had Vitiligo. That’s my disease. That’s why I am so different. I now had two options. I could either let this disease get the best of me or I could learn to embrace it. It wasn’t until I had went to a gas station and saw the most beautiful woman covered in spots. Covered in spots and showing them off. Not ashamed. Not embarrassed. I thought to myself, hey she is like me, she is spotted. I felt the need to talk to her. I had to approach her. I needed to hear her story. I had no idea how I was going to approach her but I did. I slowly asked, “Do you have Vitiligo?” I think I startled her. She dropped her coffee all on the ground. I felt so embarrassed. Why did I approach her? Why did I ask her if I already knew the answer? “Oh, you mean my beauty marks?” She replied. My heart skipped a beat and my mouth dropped wide open. I started to tear up and studdered, “bbbeeaauuttyy mmaarrkkss?” “Yes, these are my beauty marks. Only people who are unique and special are blessed with these beauty marks like ours.” I wanted to wrap my arms around this lady and give her the biggest hug possible. I stood there and stared at her. I had so many questions to ask her. She cleaned up her coffee and gave me a huge smile. She seemed like she was in a hurry. I didn’t want her to leave. I wanted to talk to her. She started to walk away. I followed her. She got to the counter to pay for her coffee. She probably thought I was a weirdo for following her but I needed to talk to her.  She turned as she was leaving and said “Remember, don’t ever think that you are not beautiful and no matter what anybody says, just know that there’s not that many people out there who can be like us.” It made me feel so special after hearing those kind words. I watched her walk away. I was left speechless and shocked. This woman had spots, more spots than I had but she embraced them. She showed them off. I left that gas station that day feeling better than I have in my whole entire life. That lady changed my life forever.