I started my writing mainly focusing on my vitiligo and my burn and left out the bigger picture of me being overweight. I have been dealing with several health issues that kind of hindered me from losing weight. I am not ashamed to say but I have sought help from a nutritionist. I needed to speak to someone who has a better understanding of what food is and how it makes me feel. Let me tell you, I could not be more happy with my visit. I have been over weight my entire life. I LOVE food. All kinds of foods (other than seafood). I feel comfort with food and eat with every emotion. I remember as little girl I would sneak food and eat it privately so that others couldn’t see me eating. I would always ask for kids left over at school because my parents were limiting my intake at home. When I was bout 14 I had this friend that had this entire pantry full of snacks and goodies. After everybody in the house was asleep I would wake up and go and steal food and eat it in the bathroom. It felt so good to have those snacks. It felt so good getting that food and not getting caught. I felt a high when I was eating. It was addicting. I would purposely ask to go to my friends house, not to see her but to eat those snacks. It sounds so weird as I am writing about it but at the time it felt satisfying and amazing.

I cannot put the love of food on anybody but myself and well…. guys that I had in my life!! I always seemed to fall into a trap of getting with guys who always ate good or had parents who ate good. Once again, I am not sure if I liked going over to see the guy or if I was only with the guy because he ate good. I remember one of my ex’s mom was a spectacular cook. Oh my goodness!! She would make full on dinners that would lead me so full I couldn’t move. From homemade lasagnas and spaghetti to burritos and casseroles. She made EVERYTHING good. Every time I ate I loved it but then afterwards hated myself for eating.

How can you have such a love hate relationship with food? How can you enjoy food so much but then feel like crap afterwards knowing you are going to be even more fat? It was a dark spiral that I got myself into. Enjoy eating a lot and feel even more worse. I needed an adjustment. I needed a different way of looking at food. I needed a different relationship with food. A better understanding that food is fuel and should be used as such. I was asked a very hard question today that had me thinking like crazy. The question was “Can you tell me a time when you ate because you were physically hungry and not emotionally hungry?” I sat there in silence for several minutes not knowing how to answer this question. I could not remember a time that I ate because I was physically hungry. I could name a million and one times when I ate because I was emotionally hungry. I started to do some real deep thinking about this. I cannot remember a time when I was extremely hungry to to the point of my stomach growling or being upset from not eating. Some would say that I have been blessed to have never been put into that situation. I feel like its more of a curse. I always have food around to satisfy my hunger. It also doesn’t help that I also know how to cook if I need to.

I think it comes down to habits and lifestyle changes that need to be changed or examined. I think I need to look at my habits of eating and how they affect my life. I think I also need to find a replacement for my urges. I was told today that a craving lasts any where from 5-7 minutes. If I can find something to replace that 5-7 minutes then that craving will pass and I will live a healthier life. Its all up to me now! I feel like I am at a point in my life where I am motivated and willing to make this lifestyle change for the better!