Smudging

Smudging generally refers to the practice of burning herbal material. In order to smudge properly you must start at the front door and light your smudge stick. Then, begin to move around the home, Move mindfully and with care, walking clockwise around the entire perimeter of the home. This is pretty much what I read about online. I had never heard about smudging until I had watched a medium show online.

I have had several weird experiences happen to me throughout the years and never really thought about them. I brushed them off like weird experiences. The first experience was when my grandfather had passed away back in 91 and I always felt like someone was watching me or had someone with me. Throughout the years I felt like he was looking after me.

When I had my first son, he was always attracted to looking at the corner of my rooms. He would point and smile and interacted with “something” that was not there. At the age of four, he started telling me about this old man who would come and visit him during the night. He would say that the old man sits in the corner and watches him. My son would tell me that he is afraid of the old man. We moved shortly after these experiences and I thought by moving these experiences would stop.

We moved into my current house and I have had some real trippy things happening here. I have outdoor cameras that would record orbs in front of my house. Weird looking orbs that would stop moving or move fast and come at the same time every night. I started a you tube channel and put a ton of videos up. I then felt like more and more were showing up so maybe I was inviting them and so I deleted the videos and the you tube page.

Some of my experiences include being pushed down my stairs, hearing growls, seeing shadows, having my house alarm go off numerous times when set on away (only to come home to an empty house), my kids seeing figures, and lastly having this weird sense that “something” is there but I never knew what it was.

I went online and looked up how to smidge a house. I did exactly what it said to do online. My mom had went to Calistoga and had a smudge stick blessed by a Native American. I got everything ready and tried to stay focused. They say to stay with it and repeat a chat telling who ever is there to vacate. I will admit it, I was nervous but when I was going from room to room I started to feel more comfortable. I made sure to open my all of my windows and doors and kept them opened until I had finished. I paid close attention to the corners, the mirrors, electronic devices and clutter.

As weird as it may be, I feel like my house is lighter. It does not feel as “heavy” when you walk in. I feel like I can walk places and do not have that eerie feeling. After I did this I got a weird phone call from my Oma who asked me if I had ever smudged. I told her that I have and she asked me if I could go over to her house and smudge her house. She said she feels as if my grandfather is pulling her to join him. She cannot sleep in one room because she feels like something is there and does like the night time. I am excited to see how it works when I go over there. I am hoping that she will be able to rest easy at night and not be afraid.

Has anybody ever experienced something like this? Or does anybody have any comments about smudging? I would love to hear about it.

It takes effort

Throughout my busy week I must remind myself that in order to make relationships or friendships work, I must put forth the EFFORT to make them work. As with anything in life, it takes effort. If I do not put forth the effort to help my relationships work, then they probably won’t.

In order for me to make my friendships work I must make an effort to call or text my friends. I must remind them that I miss them and can’t wait to see them again. I must not get too comsumed with life that I forget about the people who matter the most to me.

As with friendships I must not forget my relatioship with my husband. My husband needs love and affection as well. He needs to be reminded of his worth, his contributions and much how much he is appreciated everyday.

I feel like we get wrapped up in work, in extra-curricular activities or children and forget about our adult relationships. Yes, church and sports are important but I need to remember that relationships are just as important. I want to try my best to make sure that I am doing my part to keep my relationships alive. I must not get too consumed with other things in my life that can take me away from my friends, my family or my spouse. I hope that I can look back on this post as a reminder that relationships take work and most of all EFFORT in order to work and prosper.

The Wedding

The wedding day was slowly approaching and she was freaking out. It wasn’t even her wedding day. It was the closet person to her, her sisters wedding. Everything was going smoothly until the day came to decide on the maid of honor and bridesmaid dresses. She knew what was in store. Her sister would want her to wear something form fitting, revealing and something not her style. She dreaded going shopping but she knew she had to go. The first store was a total bust. The bridesmaid had found a dress that was perfect for her body because she was a size 2! She could wear any dress in the entire store! Not her though, she was size 20. She had curvy hips and an unforgiving backside.

On to store two they go. Looking around the store there were a ton of beautiful dresses. Some in sizes up to 28. She was finally starting to feel a little more at ease. She liked the selection and the bigger sizes. Out of no where her sister pulls out this ungodly atrocious maroon dress. It was form fitting and had capped sleeves. Her sister was being pushy and convinced her to at least have her try it on. She went to the dressing room and crawled into the dress. Every possible place that could bulge, did. She tried lifting her arms and they would stop midway from being so tight. Then she had her entire arm completely exposed. Her entire burned arm was exposed. How could she tell her sister that she was uncomfortable? How could she let her sister know that the dress was not going to work?

It would have been ok and she would have made it work but then there was the best man. The best man who was constantly flirting with her and would have to walk her down the aisle. He would have to look at her arm. He would have to see the scars. She was mortified. She kept quiet about the dress and left without buying it. Her sister was very persistent and made her go to the wedding shop again. They went and she tried on the dress again and was sick to her stomach. She was not walking down the aisle in this dress. Well, her mom stepped in and made her wear the dress and said that “It wouldn’t be that bad.” She bought the dress, got home and shoved it in the closet. She wanted nothing to do with that horrid dress and wanted to forget all about it.

The wedding day had arrived. The bridesmaid and the sister had went to go get their makeup and nails done and did not invite her. She got dressed at her parents house by herself and did her own hair and makeup. She arrived at the church and tired to sit in the dressing room. The dress was super uncomfortable so she had to stand. The sister’s vail was crooked and she tried to fix it but her arms would not go up higher than midway. The sister started to get upset and yell at her. She explained how the dress was and that it was super uncomfortable. All she heard was “Deal with it” and “It’s your sisters day, don’t ruin it” from her mom.

The time came for her to walk down the aisle. She started to to tear up and wanted to run out of there but she didn’t want to make a scene. She grabbed her flowers and tried to cover her arm as much as possible. The best man had no idea what was going on but did look at her arm and made a weird grossed out look. She was humiliated. She came up with up a brilliant idea that she could just hide her arm by switching sides with the best man. It would solve everything!! She could hide her scars from everybody.

Well, that didn’t work out. As soon as they started to line up she tried to go to the other side and her mom saw what she was trying to do and started yelling at her! She argued that it was fine and not big deal but her mom was not having it. Her mom grabbed her by the arm and told her to stand on the other side. She wanted to burst into tears. Did nobody understand what was going on? Could nobody see how much she wanted to hide herself?

The music started and the best man pulled her down the aisle. She was so embarrassed. Friends and family were just peering at her arm like she was an alien. Eyes bulging out of their heads with snide looks. She kept walking and was finally at the alter. She finally could feel some relief. She was finally able to hide her arm. She stood at the alter with her face as red as the dress. Finally the vows were said and the kiss was made!! It was done. It was over with!

*This was one of the most humiliating times in my life that I want to forget even existed but I seem to remember a lot. It would be the setup for the next five years of my life that would be total hell. This was the day that had started everything.

Find your Peace

This quarantine has been a little difficult. I have been confined to my home 5 days a week and only go out on Saturday to get groceries. I stay inside with my kids and try to stay positive. Anout a month ago I had an extreme panic attack. I have anxiety and have had it for most of my life. For the most part I know when a panic attack will set in and then I try to calm myself down.

So my last panic attack was just crazy!! I have high blood pressure and have been on the same blood pressure medicine for over a year. So my panic attack started with me looking at my arm. I noticed that my arm was turning blue. Like my entire arm was turning bright blue. I started freaking out. I immediately called my mom and told her to video me. I wanted a second opinion. I showed my mom my arm and she completely agreed that my arm was blue. I freaked out. I hung up with my mom and started to see my other arm turn blue. Thoughts started racing in my mind. (Who would take care of my kids if I died?, What would my husband do without me?, Where would my kids live?) A million and one thoughts rushed to my mind in a matter of seconds making me freak out even more. I ran upstairs to my kids room and felt extremely disoriented, confused, lightheaded as if I was going to pass out. I looked at my children and could not remember their names. They then freaked out. I told my oldest to find my phone. Seconds felt like hours as we went searching for my phone. I got my phone and tried calling 911. I couldn’t find the numbers. Everything was a blur. I was getting more and more dizzy. I went downstairs and went outside. I was extremely confused. I tried walking to my next door neighbors house but stopped midway and forgot where I was going. I finally got through to 911 and the operator was amazing. It took about 6 minutes for the medics to arrive. They examined me and then took me by ambulance to the hospital. In the ambulance my blood pressure was 189/117 and I was feeling terrible. I felt weak, nervous, paranoid, exhusted and still dizzy.

We arrived at the hospital and it was jammed packed. I was put outside strapped to the gurnee. I had rushes of complete nervousness take over my entire body. I wanted to be free of the straps. I wanted off the gurnee. I felt paranoid as if somebody was coming for me. The paramedic did his best to calm me down but nothing worked. Twenty minutes later I finally entered the hospital. A doctor came and examined me. He took me to a wheelchair where I sat for the next 4 hours waiting to be seen. My heart was pumping out of my chest. Beating faster and faster. A nurse had taken my vitals and I was 180/100. She asked me if I was ok and I said no. She gave me some water. I drank it super fast. I asked her if I could have some more. I was thrn moved to another room where I was given a muscle relaxer and then released to go home.

This attack was like nothing I had ever experienced before. The next day I woke up and felt sore all over my body. I was very lethargic and dizzy. I knew something was not right so I decided to write my new doctor.

She was amazing! She reviewed my entire chart and asked me why I was on my blood pressure medicine. She told me stop taking my blood pressure medicine and to start taking a water pill. She also got me in touch with a psychologist and provided with with two anxiety apps to use on my phone. I was beyond ecstatic. I did some research of my own on anxiety and found yoga.

Now mind you, I am a big girl and I second guessed myself when I was looking at the positions!! I am 16 days of doing yoga and could not be more fulfilled. I feel at peace and my body and mind feel settled. I am trying my best to make the best out of this quarantine and use it to my advantage. I wake up early in the morning before everybody is up and go and do my yoga. I get complete quiet time to myself. It is much needed time for my body and soul. I think everybody needs to do self-care in these times of uncertainty. I am starting my adventure being a yogi and I look forward to what changes will come with my mind and body!!

Seeing more clearly

Within the last couple of years my eyes have opened more to see things more clearly. I have noticed things about people that I may have just brushed off in the past. I realize people change and circumstances change but I didn’t realize that feelings changed so drastically. I am the type of person to take notice of other people’s body language and words. I know that if I am trying to talk to you and you are on your phone, I do not have your undivided attention. I also notice that when you can’t stop doing what you are doing and listen to me, then I truely do not have your attention. I also realize when my pure existence is just to keep you entertained. I am coming to understand that with one particular persons life, I am merely a puppet. This person thrives off of the fact that I am doing bad. They want me in a position to where they have to help me. If I dont NEED them then I am just another person to them. They merely feed off my misery. I have taken time to look back on my life and realized that there hasn’t been one time when this person was truely happy for me. I mean truely happy for me. They have always been there to support me, but that is because I was in need of them. Once I got onto my own two feet and started showing that I am doing good, I noticed a change. I noticed a change in behavior and feelings. I wanted this person to just be happy for me. Truely happy for me. Is it so hard for someone to be happy for someone else?

True Colors

Oh, I don’t even know where to begin with this one. Where to begin? It’s like I have a million and one words to write but cannot even begin. It’s frustrating and makes me infuriated at the same time. So let’s take it back about six years ago. A new person started working at my work. Let’s name her Beth. She kind of stayed to herself. She never really spoke to me. I would approach her and talk to her. We would see each other on a daily basis at work so I would make an effort to go and spend time with her.

Years would go by and we started hanging out at my house. She would come over and hang out with my family. We would have a girls day where we would go shopping and get our nails done. We opened up to one another about our past relationships. She was single and I am married so she would share her stories and I would share mine.

I really felt a bond with her. Beth would go and buy me little gifts here and there for my birthday and Christmas. I would buy her birthday gifts. I honestly thought she was a good friend to me. I have always wanted that kind of friendship. She was my go to girl. She was always there when I needed to talk or just to hang out.

I then noticed a shift. It was very slight but I did notice. I noticed it was me coming to see her more. It was me more going out of my way to do things for her. I noticed that I was becoming a second priority. Another girl at my work would go and buy her lunch like everyday and I noticed that they became closer. It hurt but I just brushed it off. I know my worth in any relationship. It came to a point where she started talking more about this other girl and how she would buy her things. Well, I am not that fortunate to constantly be spending money on a friend when I have a family to raise. Beth then started putting so much attention on her daughter and her daughter treated her like utter crap. Beth would go above and beyond for daughter and her daughter was so ungrateful. Beth spent hours making her a graduation present and her daughter said “Thanks” and then shoved it into her closet. Her daughter really used her. Beth just kept doing more and more things for her daughter and every time the daughter would be so ungrateful. It brought Beth to tears. She would break down and cry to me about everything. I was always there for her. Beth’s aunt had passed away and I did everything in my power to be there for her. I comforted her when she would have her breakdowns. I would constantly check on her. I offered to help her with anything that she needed. Beth’s grandma then passed away. This hit Beth so hard. She distanced herself from everybody. She stopped taking care of herself. She would blow me off numerous times when I tried to be there for her. I didn’t know what to do or how to be there for her. I gave her some space. When she did come around she placed the blame on me. I had no words. All I knew was that I was trying my best to be a good friend to her.

Beth’s birthday just passed. I went and got a really cute gift and made her feel special. I had some people sing to her. I tried my best to make her feel great on her day. Her daughter comes to see her at work and brings her food. Beth gets overly excited, almost starts crying and posts everything about her daughter on Snapchat. Not one single mention of me. Not one single mention of what I did for her. I asked Beth if she would want to come over and celebrate her birthday at my house. She didn’t want to come over unless my husband had a single friend come over. I begged her and begged her. She didn’t want to come over and see me. She wanted to see him. As I am writing this, I want to hit myself upside the head and say DUH!! All the times I had to beg for her to come over and hang out with me. The times when she would go see other people first and if there was time left then she could come see me. The fact that she never invited me inside her house. The fact that I was never to go hang out at her house. Why didn’t I see those as signs? I guess you really have to look back at situations to realize how people are.

So, fast forward years later. Beth gets hurt at work. I had been overwhelmed with a ton of work and never even had a break from my workspace. I finally had the chance to go and see her. Come to find out she had been absent for two days. I immediately texted Beth to find out if she was ok. Four hours had passed and I had not heard a word. I then went to her supervisor to find out what had happened. Her supervisor had let me see text messages between them about what had happened to Beth. I then had several employees coming up to me telling me things about Beth that I had no idea. It hit me like a semi-truck. I woke up. I was done. I was done being a last priority. I was done being treated like this. How could other people know what’s going on when her when own good friend has no idea? She then finally texts me four hours later to let me know what had happened. I let her know that I had already heard from her supervisor. No more conversation. No more text messages. Two days later I get a text that says “Hope all is good. Have a good day and take care.” I responded with “Thanks you too.” I then go onto snapchat the next day to see a post written by Beth that says “I thought you were a good friend to me. Theres a reason why I never wanted to open up again because I knew I would get hurt.” It was posted with a sad crying face. At this point I am lost for words. Now I am the bad friend. I am the bad person. I am the reason why she never opened up. See, now with me, I am not the one to just be quiet. I went straight to Instagram and wrote her a huge message about exactly how I felt. I pointed out things she was doing. I pointed out how I felt like I was second priority. She responds with “I feel the best thing is for you not to have someone like me in your life. Obviously, I wasn’t a good friend to you. Obviously there are better people in your life that have and will be there for you more than I ever did. You deserve better than me in your life.” In other words she no longer wants to be my friend. Just like that!! Poof!! She no longer wants to be my friend because I told her how I felt. I told her what she was doing to me. BAM!!! She wants nothing to do with me. I had no words. I didn’t even respond. I left it alone. I went and checked my social media and she did not delete herself. Two weeks went by and she was still on my social media. I went ahead and texted her about why she would still want to be on my social media. She says sorry and that she will remove herself and that would be my birthday gift. I wish I could make this nonsense up. I once again did not engage. That was my birthday gift. Finalizing our friendship that she ended. How are you supposed to feel after that? How are you supposed to heal after that? I guess right now I am frustrated, angry, hurt and confused. I am at a total loss of words. I just don’t understand why people act the way they do? If I am a bad person let me know. If I hurt you in anyway, let me know. Just let me know. Friendships can always be repaired, right? Not this one. I am no longer going to allow myself to be hurt. I am no longer going to allow myself to be used.

Darkness

He knew what he was doing. He knew how the night was going to take place. Every step strategically planned out. Planned out to his advantage. Planned out HIS way. He gets her excited for a party. A party where they have to pick out costumes together. They wanted to look their best. They wanted to impress everybody. They show up to the party looking great. Everybody is commenting on their costumes. They are laughing, enjoying the moment. Enjoying the sights and sounds. They were just friends. Friends that were supposed to have trust in one another. Friends that were supposed to depend on one another for security and comfort. They had known each other for a couple if years now. A very great friendship where secrets were exchanged and great memories were made with one a other. The night is going great. More people are showing up. The music is playing. People are dancing having a great time. He goes and offers her a drink and she declines. He waits a little longer and she accepts. Shes too young for this. Shes too young to be having alcohol. She drinks it and does not like the taste. He encourages her to drink more. She declines amd goes to dance. He moves in close to her. She’s not used to him. She’s not used to this other person he has become. She pushes him away. He smiles and laughs. Oh that smile! That smile that could light up a room. He tries again to get her to drink. This time the drink was something different. It smelled sweet but bitter. She likes it. It makes her feel powerful, free, carefree. She asks for another one. He refuses. But soon gives in and gives her another. She enjoys it. She starts dancing. Dancing wildly. Throwing her hands up the air, shaking and moving her body in ways she never thought she could. He was enjoying her. He was enjoying her carelessness. He watches over her and she notices. She sees how his eyes move up and down her body. Undressing her mildly but something inside her drives to move more. To drink more. She likes the attention. She craves for his attention. Its getting late and the party is coming to an end. He is begging to stay the night. She knows her parents won’t allow it. But they are just friends and her parents trusted him. Her parents give in and allowed him stay. She is surprised they said yes and unexpectedly happy about their decision. She decides to just keep her clothes on and crawls into bed. Her world is spinning. She cannot focus. She cannot see straight. Her head is hurting. Suddenly everything goes black.

She is awoken by the sound of her mom making coffee. She strains to open her eyes. Everything hurts. Her legs hurt, her breasts hurt and even down there is very sore. She looks down at her clothes. She is in a different set of clothes. Her panties are different. What happened? Why was she in completely different clothes? Where did he go? She heard a noise in the bathroom. It was him. She covered herself with the blanket. He walks into the room and smiles at her. She doesn’t understand. She doesn’t know how to feel. Her body goes numb. What happened? Why was she in different clothes? Her mom comes into the room and asks how everything is. She lies and says fine. She really just wants to run into her moms arms and just cry. She wants the tears to fall. Something happened last night. Something happened that she is responsible for. She wants to tell her mom. She can’t get the words out. She can’t speak. She stays quiet. She doesn’t say anything.

Days later she decides to meet up with him. She wants to talk about that night. She has questions that need to be answered. She sees him and he is standoffish. He slowly approaches her. She blurts out “What happened that night?” She can’t help it. Its eating her up inside. She knows something happened. “You couldn’t keep your hands off of me.” She laughs and replies “Yea right.” “It’s true. You wanted me, so I gave you me.” A million thoughts rush through her mind. Confused. Anger. Frustration. Just a whrilwind of emotions overloading her mind. “Well do you want the details?” He asked. “NO!” she yells. She didn’t want to know what had happened. She turned and left. She left him there puzzled. In the following weeks flashblacks would come to her. Pictures. Very vivid pictures of what had happened that night. Pictures that she would never be able to erase. Smells that she could never forget.

It wasn’t that bad though. She had wanted it, right?

Beauty Marks

IMG_20180712_165623_241 “Mama, why do I have spots on my body?” That is a question I had always asked my mom. Her response never changed, “They are your beauty marks.” Even though she would tell me this, I never felt beautiful. I wanted to be beautiful. I wanted to fit in. I wanted normal skin. Beautiful flawless skin. Skin without scars, without spots. Why did this happen to me? Why did I get so unlucky? These were questions I had asked myself on a daily basis. I would wake up in the morning, look into the mirror and then look away. Finally after graduating highschool, I decided that I would not let my spots get the best of me. I decided to do some research. I made an appointment with a dermatologist and found out I had Vitiligo. That’s my disease. That’s why I am so different. I now had two options. I could either let this disease get the best of me or I could learn to embrace it. It wasn’t until I had went to a gas station and saw the most beautiful woman covered in spots. Covered in spots and showing them off. Not ashamed. Not embarrassed. I thought to myself, hey she is like me, she is spotted. I felt the need to talk to her. I had to approach her. I needed to hear her story. I had no idea how I was going to approach her but I did. I slowly asked, “Do you have Vitiligo?” I think I startled her. She dropped her coffee all on the ground. I felt so embarrassed. Why did I approach her? Why did I ask her if I already knew the answer? “Oh, you mean my beauty marks?” She replied. My heart skipped a beat and my mouth dropped wide open. I started to tear up and studdered, “bbbeeaauuttyy mmaarrkkss?” “Yes, these are my beauty marks. Only people who are unique and special are blessed with these beauty marks like ours.” I wanted to wrap my arms around this lady and give her the biggest hug possible. I stood there and stared at her. I had so many questions to ask her. She cleaned up her coffee and gave me a huge smile. She seemed like she was in a hurry. I didn’t want her to leave. I wanted to talk to her. She started to walk away. I followed her. She got to the counter to pay for her coffee. She probably thought I was a weirdo for following her but I needed to talk to her. She turned as she was leaving and said “Remember, don’t ever think that you are not beautiful and no matter what anybody says, just know that there’s not that many people out there who can be like us.” It made me feel so special after hearing those kind words. I watched her walk away. I was left speechless and shocked. This woman had spots, more spots than I had but she embraced them. She showed them off. I left that gas station that day feeling better than I have in my whole entire life. That lady changed my life forever.

My household

I grew up in a household with both of my parents working. My dad worked his tail off for many years. He worked nights and the swingshift position. He was injured twice on the job. His first injury was when he broke his back and was paralyzed. The doctors told my mom that he would have a 25% chance to ever walk again even with surgery. My mom being young, depending on my dads income and having two young children, freaked out. He opted for the surgery and pulled through. He had about a 6 month recovery time from that accident. My mom stood by his side the entire time. He is doing better but is still in a ton of pain. He is able to walk and function on his own. A couple of years after the surgery he had gotten arthritis in the spot where they had cut him. There’s not much that they can do for something like that so my dad just maintains. He was recently hit by an off duty police officer that had been out drinking and playing golf. He suffered a broken shoulder because of that “accident”. He had to have two separate surgeries to fix the torn muscles and ligaments. He also got trigger finger in three fings because of the shoulder surgery. He is in a ton of pain everyday because of these life changing events. He now drinks heavily to kill the pain. I do not blame my dad for drinking. It just kills me to see him killing himself. My mom has been so strong and has been with my dad every step of the way. She has tried her best to maintain the household and be a loving wife. My dad is miserable at times and feels like he is very limited. I have never met a stronger man than my dad. He is headstrong and so determined. I understand more about why I am the way I am from looking at my parents. My mom tries to be the best mom and wife she knows how to be. She continues to try to stay supportive of my life decisions despite them being outrageous and odd. She is always there for me when I need emotional support. My dad even though he is in pain loves to help me out with things I need done at my house. He never complains about helping me and is the most reliable person I have ever met. My dad is always worried aboutmy wellbeing and how my family is doing. he is very considerate and giving. I As the years go by you start to realize who you are as a person by looking at who your parents are. I love my parents dearly and it is tough seeing them get older. I am having a hard time watching them slow down, and want to take more time and them needing to take naps. Having parents who have been so involved in every aspect of your life makes it hard to see them getting older. My parents have played such a huge role in why I am the person I am today. When I got burned of the age of 3 years old. My mom and dads life basically stopped. I became their main priority and number one concern. My mom made everything so nice for me. She was very tender and considerate of my needs. She made sure that even though I had restraints that I still enjoyed my child hood. I had to wear pressure garments but I still went swimming in a little pool in our backyard. I had to wear a cover up when I went swimming but she made sure to buy me the cutest bathing suit. She took the extra steps to make sure I was comfortable. She transformed our entire living room into my mini hospital. I had to be rubbed down in lotion every night and had to have my pressure garments changed nightly. I remember how she took her time with me and always made sure to make sure I was ok. My mom was alone a lot since my dad worked so much but she made sure me and my sister were involved in things. My sister played the flute and loved being in a band. She is so talented with music. She can keep a beat like no other. In High school we would wake up at 4am to go to her band reviews. She always looked so great in her outfit and she took it very seriously. I feel like my mom tried her best to treat my sister and me equally but I know she favored me a little more. I felt it. I noticed it. My sister noticed it as well. You are never given a book on how to be a parents so you just try your best. You try to treat your children equally. You try to give them the same amount of love. I was never jealous of my sister. I never envied things that she had gotten or how much attention she got from being in a band. I enjoyed listening to her. I enjoyed being around her when she was playing her flute. My parents were amazing to my sister and me. Until this day my mom still asks me if she was a good mom. She feels like she didn’t do enough. I feel like she went above and beyond and is an amazing mom. I couldn’t have asked for a better care giver, provider and supporter. Life can throw you all kinds of curve balls and unexpected events. You just try to make the best of them but having supportive parents seemed to make life a little more easier.

Camouflage

I wanted to write about my last experience at a clothing store for bigger sized women. I will not say the name of the store. I wanted to shop there because I find that Wal-Mart and Target have nice clothes but their clothes are not fashionable. Well to me at least they aren’t. So I went into the store with every intention to find a cute outfit. I had a family party coming up and I wanted a new fresh out fit. I started looking at the pants. I had a sales associate walk up to me and started to push pants on me. I am a big girl. I know what looks good on me and what doesn’t. She proceeded to show me pants all around the store. Each one she brought up I found something wrong with it. I have to say, even though I am a big girl I know my body. On top of the fact that I am a big girl I have had to hide my body my entire life. Next we started looking at shirts…oh the shirts! Having to cover my fat arms and my scars…but look at all these tank tops!! Look at all these sleeveless shirts..soooo beautiful!! I look at them at get more and more sad. Sad at the fact of how fashion is and what is considered to be something that looks good. Am I feeling sorry for myself? Maybe. Maybe I am stuck in a world where I do not belong. A world full of beautiful skinned people with perfect bodies. When you have scars or you are overweight you want to do your best to hide. I want to look fashionable and not show off my skin. How is that possible in a world full of Victoria Secret and Kardashians? Isn’t it fashionable to show off your skin? Aren’t you considered beautiful if you show off your skin? Camouflage! Cover it up and look fabulous. You wear spanx and work it girl!! You push that fat in and cover up. I swear I now the ability to cover up, still look sexy and most importantly feel comfortable in my own skin. I have always wanted to start a clothing line for bigger women with scars. Bigger women with insecurities. Bigger women who could cover up and look fabulous. Maybe change fashion to cover up and make exposing yourself taboo again. Who am I kidding!! Needless to say, I walked out of the store empty handed and just put together something in my closet. I felt great about my body and had a great time.