Be my calm

He is the calm to my storm, the only man I know who goes against the norm.

He has the ability to change my crazy mood, to let me know I need to stop being so crude.

One look from those honey brown eyes and my soul and mind get hypnotized.

I pray for his safety, love and protection. I am blessed that I don’t need to beg for his affection.

His love is pure and is my soul mate. God brought him to me to set my life straight.

He knows I wasn’t living a healthy life style. So he came into my life and made my heart smile.

I thank him everyday for being the best man I could ever dream of. I wish to grow old with him and enjoy all of his love.

Not a day goes by that I don’t count my lucky stars. He has filled my heart with love and helps me with my scars.

He accepts me for the person that I am. Flaws and all he loves me for me, hes the peanut butter and I’m the jam.

Unanswered

Watching his every move, learning his daily routine, never letting go of past mistakes, she sees little differences that he does, making her wonder, making her confused, wanting him to tell the truth, him passing blame, blaming it on her past, blaming it on guys she has been with, needing him, craving him, fighting the demons in her head, not believing him, not hearing him, passing judgement, getting furious, him not taking her seriously, why do you leave your shirts at work? Why do you only go into work early when I am on vacation just wanting to be with you and only you? Too many questions, unanswered questions, leaving her confused, heart being torn, crying, crying out of despair, wanting to trust, not feeling right, that gut clenching feeling that something is not right, checking his phone, checking his call log, NOTHING!! Nothing out of the norm, he is hiding something, put down your wall, push your insecurities aside, learn to trust again, learn to heal your heart, everyday battle. Sadness

Smudging

Smudging generally refers to the practice of burning herbal material. In order to smudge properly you must start at the front door and light your smudge stick. Then, begin to move around the home, Move mindfully and with care, walking clockwise around the entire perimeter of the home. This is pretty much what I read about online. I had never heard about smudging until I had watched a medium show online.

I have had several weird experiences happen to me throughout the years and never really thought about them. I brushed them off like weird experiences. The first experience was when my grandfather had passed away back in 91 and I always felt like someone was watching me or had someone with me. Throughout the years I felt like he was looking after me.

When I had my first son, he was always attracted to looking at the corner of my rooms. He would point and smile and interacted with “something” that was not there. At the age of four, he started telling me about this old man who would come and visit him during the night. He would say that the old man sits in the corner and watches him. My son would tell me that he is afraid of the old man. We moved shortly after these experiences and I thought by moving these experiences would stop.

We moved into my current house and I have had some real trippy things happening here. I have outdoor cameras that would record orbs in front of my house. Weird looking orbs that would stop moving or move fast and come at the same time every night. I started a you tube channel and put a ton of videos up. I then felt like more and more were showing up so maybe I was inviting them and so I deleted the videos and the you tube page.

Some of my experiences include being pushed down my stairs, hearing growls, seeing shadows, having my house alarm go off numerous times when set on away (only to come home to an empty house), my kids seeing figures, and lastly having this weird sense that “something” is there but I never knew what it was.

I went online and looked up how to smidge a house. I did exactly what it said to do online. My mom had went to Calistoga and had a smudge stick blessed by a Native American. I got everything ready and tried to stay focused. They say to stay with it and repeat a chat telling who ever is there to vacate. I will admit it, I was nervous but when I was going from room to room I started to feel more comfortable. I made sure to open my all of my windows and doors and kept them opened until I had finished. I paid close attention to the corners, the mirrors, electronic devices and clutter.

As weird as it may be, I feel like my house is lighter. It does not feel as “heavy” when you walk in. I feel like I can walk places and do not have that eerie feeling. After I did this I got a weird phone call from my Oma who asked me if I had ever smudged. I told her that I have and she asked me if I could go over to her house and smudge her house. She said she feels as if my grandfather is pulling her to join him. She cannot sleep in one room because she feels like something is there and does like the night time. I am excited to see how it works when I go over there. I am hoping that she will be able to rest easy at night and not be afraid.

Has anybody ever experienced something like this? Or does anybody have any comments about smudging? I would love to hear about it.

It takes effort

Throughout my busy week I must remind myself that in order to make relationships or friendships work, I must put forth the EFFORT to make them work. As with anything in life, it takes effort. If I do not put forth the effort to help my relationships work, then they probably won’t.

In order for me to make my friendships work I must make an effort to call or text my friends. I must remind them that I miss them and can’t wait to see them again. I must not get too comsumed with life that I forget about the people who matter the most to me.

As with friendships I must not forget my relatioship with my husband. My husband needs love and affection as well. He needs to be reminded of his worth, his contributions and much how much he is appreciated everyday.

I feel like we get wrapped up in work, in extra-curricular activities or children and forget about our adult relationships. Yes, church and sports are important but I need to remember that relationships are just as important. I want to try my best to make sure that I am doing my part to keep my relationships alive. I must not get too consumed with other things in my life that can take me away from my friends, my family or my spouse. I hope that I can look back on this post as a reminder that relationships take work and most of all EFFORT in order to work and prosper.

The Wedding

The wedding day was slowly approaching and she was freaking out. It wasn’t even her wedding day. It was the closet person to her, her sisters wedding. Everything was going smoothly until the day came to decide on the maid of honor and bridesmaid dresses. She knew what was in store. Her sister would want her to wear something form fitting, revealing and something not her style. She dreaded going shopping but she knew she had to go. The first store was a total bust. The bridesmaid had found a dress that was perfect for her body because she was a size 2! She could wear any dress in the entire store! Not her though, she was size 20. She had curvy hips and an unforgiving backside.

On to store two they go. Looking around the store there were a ton of beautiful dresses. Some in sizes up to 28. She was finally starting to feel a little more at ease. She liked the selection and the bigger sizes. Out of no where her sister pulls out this ungodly atrocious maroon dress. It was form fitting and had capped sleeves. Her sister was being pushy and convinced her to at least have her try it on. She went to the dressing room and crawled into the dress. Every possible place that could bulge, did. She tried lifting her arms and they would stop midway from being so tight. Then she had her entire arm completely exposed. Her entire burned arm was exposed. How could she tell her sister that she was uncomfortable? How could she let her sister know that the dress was not going to work?

It would have been ok and she would have made it work but then there was the best man. The best man who was constantly flirting with her and would have to walk her down the aisle. He would have to look at her arm. He would have to see the scars. She was mortified. She kept quiet about the dress and left without buying it. Her sister was very persistent and made her go to the wedding shop again. They went and she tried on the dress again and was sick to her stomach. She was not walking down the aisle in this dress. Well, her mom stepped in and made her wear the dress and said that “It wouldn’t be that bad.” She bought the dress, got home and shoved it in the closet. She wanted nothing to do with that horrid dress and wanted to forget all about it.

The wedding day had arrived. The bridesmaid and the sister had went to go get their makeup and nails done and did not invite her. She got dressed at her parents house by herself and did her own hair and makeup. She arrived at the church and tired to sit in the dressing room. The dress was super uncomfortable so she had to stand. The sister’s vail was crooked and she tried to fix it but her arms would not go up higher than midway. The sister started to get upset and yell at her. She explained how the dress was and that it was super uncomfortable. All she heard was “Deal with it” and “It’s your sisters day, don’t ruin it” from her mom.

The time came for her to walk down the aisle. She started to to tear up and wanted to run out of there but she didn’t want to make a scene. She grabbed her flowers and tried to cover her arm as much as possible. The best man had no idea what was going on but did look at her arm and made a weird grossed out look. She was humiliated. She came up with up a brilliant idea that she could just hide her arm by switching sides with the best man. It would solve everything!! She could hide her scars from everybody.

Well, that didn’t work out. As soon as they started to line up she tried to go to the other side and her mom saw what she was trying to do and started yelling at her! She argued that it was fine and not big deal but her mom was not having it. Her mom grabbed her by the arm and told her to stand on the other side. She wanted to burst into tears. Did nobody understand what was going on? Could nobody see how much she wanted to hide herself?

The music started and the best man pulled her down the aisle. She was so embarrassed. Friends and family were just peering at her arm like she was an alien. Eyes bulging out of their heads with snide looks. She kept walking and was finally at the alter. She finally could feel some relief. She was finally able to hide her arm. She stood at the alter with her face as red as the dress. Finally the vows were said and the kiss was made!! It was done. It was over with!

*This was one of the most humiliating times in my life that I want to forget even existed but I seem to remember a lot. It would be the setup for the next five years of my life that would be total hell. This was the day that had started everything.

So confused! :(

Does he really does love me? I know that I want him to love me. Is he in love with me? I have no idea. He is loyal, trustworthy and a hardworking man. Yes. Yet, I do not know if he is in love with me. I know that you can love someone and not be in love with them. I want that though. I want his heart. I want to know if he is in love with me. Why? I can’t answer that. I know from his previous relationship he went above and beyond for her. He bought her a ton of clothes and jewelry and he said that he thought he was in love with her. Is it possible to be in love, fall out of love and then to be in love again?

It has been something I have longed for. Like a quest. Not a competition. A journey to see if he would ever fall in love with someone like me. It really sounds odd but it is true. He is EVERYTHING that I want in a man. I couldn’t ask for more, but yet I could. How can you tell if a man is love with you? Can you tell by their actions? Can you tell by their words? Or do you just know? I struggle with not knowing on a daily basis. I struggle with the fact that I do not fully believe him when he says that he loves me.

I have opened up to him about this and he loves the fact that he leaves me confused and constantly wondering. How do you really ever know though? Is it something a man does or says that shows that he is in love with you? I guess I will never really know.

A New Beginning

I started my writing mainly focusing on my vitiligo and my burn and left out the bigger picture of me being overweight. I have been dealing with several health issues that kind of hindered me from losing weight. I am not ashamed to say but I have sought help from a nutritionist. I needed to speak to someone who has a better understanding of what food is and how it makes me feel. Let me tell you, I could not be more happy with my visit. I have been over weight my entire life. I LOVE food. All kinds of foods (other than seafood). I feel comfort with food and eat with every emotion. I remember as little girl I would sneak food and eat it privately so that others couldn’t see me eating. I would always ask for kids left over at school because my parents were limiting my intake at home. When I was bout 14 I had this friend that had this entire pantry full of snacks and goodies. After everybody in the house was asleep I would wake up and go and steal food and eat it in the bathroom. It felt so good to have those snacks. It felt so good getting that food and not getting caught. I felt a high when I was eating. It was addicting. I would purposely ask to go to my friends house, not to see her but to eat those snacks. It sounds so weird as I am writing about it but at the time it felt satisfying and amazing.

I cannot put the love of food on anybody but myself and well…. guys that I had in my life!! I always seemed to fall into a trap of getting with guys who always ate good or had parents who ate good. Once again, I am not sure if I liked going over to see the guy or if I was only with the guy because he ate good. I remember one of my ex’s mom was a spectacular cook. Oh my goodness!! She would make full on dinners that would lead me so full I couldn’t move. From homemade lasagnas and spaghetti to burritos and casseroles. She made EVERYTHING good. Every time I ate I loved it but then afterwards hated myself for eating.

How can you have such a love hate relationship with food? How can you enjoy food so much but then feel like crap afterwards knowing you are going to be even more fat? It was a dark spiral that I got myself into. Enjoy eating a lot and feel even more worse. I needed an adjustment. I needed a different way of looking at food. I needed a different relationship with food. A better understanding that food is fuel and should be used as such. I was asked a very hard question today that had me thinking like crazy. The question was “Can you tell me a time when you ate because you were physically hungry and not emotionally hungry?” I sat there in silence for several minutes not knowing how to answer this question. I could not remember a time that I ate because I was physically hungry. I could name a million and one times when I ate because I was emotionally hungry. I started to do some real deep thinking about this. I cannot remember a time when I was extremely hungry to to the point of my stomach growling or being upset from not eating. Some would say that I have been blessed to have never been put into that situation. I feel like its more of a curse. I always have food around to satisfy my hunger. It also doesn’t help that I also know how to cook if I need to.

I think it comes down to habits and lifestyle changes that need to be changed or examined. I think I need to look at my habits of eating and how they affect my life. I think I also need to find a replacement for my urges. I was told today that a craving lasts any where from 5-7 minutes. If I can find something to replace that 5-7 minutes then that craving will pass and I will live a healthier life. Its all up to me now! I feel like I am at a point in my life where I am motivated and willing to make this lifestyle change for the better!

Find your Peace

This quarantine has been a little difficult. I have been confined to my home 5 days a week and only go out on Saturday to get groceries. I stay inside with my kids and try to stay positive. Anout a month ago I had an extreme panic attack. I have anxiety and have had it for most of my life. For the most part I know when a panic attack will set in and then I try to calm myself down.

So my last panic attack was just crazy!! I have high blood pressure and have been on the same blood pressure medicine for over a year. So my panic attack started with me looking at my arm. I noticed that my arm was turning blue. Like my entire arm was turning bright blue. I started freaking out. I immediately called my mom and told her to video me. I wanted a second opinion. I showed my mom my arm and she completely agreed that my arm was blue. I freaked out. I hung up with my mom and started to see my other arm turn blue. Thoughts started racing in my mind. (Who would take care of my kids if I died?, What would my husband do without me?, Where would my kids live?) A million and one thoughts rushed to my mind in a matter of seconds making me freak out even more.   I ran upstairs to my kids room and felt extremely disoriented, confused, lightheaded as if I was going to pass out. I looked at my children and could not remember their names. They then freaked out. I told my oldest to find my phone. Seconds felt like hours as we went searching for my phone. I got my phone and tried calling 911. I couldn’t find the numbers. Everything was a blur. I was getting more and more dizzy. I went downstairs and went outside. I was extremely confused. I tried walking to my next door neighbors house but stopped midway and forgot where I was going. I finally got through to 911 and the operator was amazing. It took about 6 minutes for the medics to arrive. They examined me and then took me by ambulance to the hospital. In the ambulance my blood pressure was 189/117 and I was feeling terrible. I felt weak, nervous, paranoid, exhusted and still dizzy.

We arrived at the hospital and it was jammed packed. I was put outside strapped to the gurnee. I had rushes of complete nervousness take over my entire body. I wanted to be free of the straps. I wanted off the gurnee. I felt paranoid as if somebody was coming for me.  The paramedic did his best to calm me down but nothing worked. Twenty minutes later I finally entered the hospital. A doctor came and examined me. He took me to a wheelchair where I sat for the next 4 hours waiting to be seen. My heart was pumping out of my chest. Beating faster and faster. A nurse had taken my vitals and I was 180/100. She asked me if I was ok and I said no. She gave me some water. I drank it super fast. I asked her if I could have some more. I was thrn moved to another room where I was given a muscle relaxer and then released to go home.

This attack was like nothing I had ever experienced before. The next day I woke up and felt sore all over my body. I was very lethargic and dizzy. I knew something was not right so I decided to write my new doctor.

She was amazing! She reviewed my entire chart and asked me why I was on my blood pressure medicine. She told me stop taking my blood pressure medicine and to start taking a water pill. She also got me in touch with a psychologist and provided with with two anxiety apps to use on my phone. I was beyond ecstatic. I did some research of my own on anxiety and found yoga.

Now mind you,  I am a big girl and I second guessed myself when I was looking at the positions!! I am 16 days of doing yoga and could not be more fulfilled. I feel at peace and my body and mind feel settled. I am trying my best to make the best out of this quarantine and use it to my advantage. I wake up early in the morning before everybody is up and go and do my yoga. I get complete quiet time to myself. It is much needed time for my body and soul. I think everybody needs to do self-care in these times of uncertainty. I am starting my adventure being a yogi and I look forward to what changes will come with my mind and body!!

Seeing more clearly

Within the last couple of years my eyes have opened more to see things more clearly. I have noticed things about people that I may have just brushed off in the past. I realize people change and circumstances change but I didn’t realize that feelings changed so drastically. I am the type of person to take notice of other people’s body language and words. I know that if I am trying to talk to you and you are on your phone, I do not have your undivided attention. I also notice that when you can’t stop doing what you are doing and listen to me, then I truely do not have your attention.  I also realize when my pure existence is just to keep you entertained. I am coming to understand that with one particular persons life, I am merely a puppet. This person thrives off of the fact that I am doing bad. They want me in a position to where they have to help me. If I dont NEED them then I am just another person to them. They merely feed off my misery. I have taken time to look back on my life and realized that there hasn’t been one time when this person was truely happy for me. I mean truely happy for me. They have always been there to support me, but that is because I was in need of them. Once I got onto my own two feet and started showing that I am doing good, I noticed a change. I noticed a change in behavior and feelings. I wanted this person to just be happy for me. Truely happy for me. Is it so hard for someone to be happy for someone else?

Locked In

Another day locked down and going no where, you only go out into pulic if you dare.

My kids are getting ansty and acting all wild, I can’t be mad, my youngest is only a child.

When will this be over, when will it change. I’m tired of staying at home and living life so strange.

We are kept indoors with no company coming over, I’m glad I know no longer drink or else I would have a massive hangover.

Stores are closed and lots of restaurants are shut down, thinking about all this makes me just frown.

I worry about my loved ones and if they will be all right, its a non stop thought that keeps me up at night.

Are they keeping protected and staying sane? The last thing I would want to see is my family go through pain.

Soon this will all be over and we can start life brand new, we will no longer be worrying if it is the flu.