Suddenly you realize

So I am at work minding my own business when a co worker calls me over to talk to me. I do not think anything of it. She tells me that she bought me lunch. I was shocked. See this co worker stays to herself and has trust issues. She has taken a liking to me and I just go with the flow. I have never had a real friend in my life. I have had friends come and go in my life but never one that truely understands me, gets me or know the real me. I have a ton of trust issues so I build a wall that people must break thorugh to ge to know me. I have other co wokers who I talk to and I get along with. I have this one who calls me “Her only friend.” She confides in me things about her marriage, her relationships and her past. I would never tell anybody the things that she tells me. I keep what she says to me safe and to myself. When we are together at work we have a blast together. We laugh, we kid around. I do not feel like a friend to her though. I feel like a co worker. We do not hang out outside of work. We just see each other throughout the day and thats all. Friendships are weird and super hard to find. I watch television shows about groups of people hanging out and I always wonder is that real? Does that ever really happen in real life? I honestly can say that I have NEVER EVER met a female thats like me. That thinks like me, understands things like I do or beleive in the things that I belive in. I have always wanted to though. I have always dreamt of what it would be like to have a true friend and friendship with another female. To spend weekends together with, to go places with and od things things with. I have found that females put on fronts. Some act religious and are lost. Others act righteous but cannot think striaght. Some want to seem intelligent but cannot tie their own shoes. It just gets frustrating. Then suddenly I realize that there cannot be another person out like me. I am me and thats all I can be, I am ok with that.

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Camouflage

I wanted to write about my last experience at a clothing store for bigger sized women. I will not say the name of the store. I wanted to shop there because I find that Wal-Mart and Target have nice clothes but their clothes are not fashionable. Well to me at least they aren’t. So I went into the store with every intention to find a cute outfit. I had a family party coming up and I wanted a new fresh out fit. I started looking at the pants. I had a sales associate walk up to me and started to push pants on me. I am a big girl. I know what looks good on me and what doesn’t. She proceeded to show me pants all around the store. Each one she brought up I found something wrong with it. I have to say, even though I am a big girl I know my body. On top of the fact that I am a big girl I have had to hide my body my entire life. Next we started looking at shirts…oh the shirts! Having to cover my fat arms and my scars…but look at all these tank tops!! Look at all these sleeveless shirts..soooo beautiful!! I look at them at get more and more sad. Sad at the fact of how fashion is and what is considered to be something that looks good. Am I feeling sorry for myself? Maybe. Maybe I am stuck in a world where I do not belong. A world full of beautiful skinned people with perfect bodies.  When you have scars or you are overweight you want to do your best to hide. I want to look fashionable and not show off my skin. How is that possible in a world full of Victoria Secret and Kardashians? Isn’t it fashionable to show off your skin? Aren’t you considered beautiful if you show off your skin? Camouflage! Cover it up and look fabulous. You wear spanx and work it girl!! You push that fat in and cover up. I swear I now the ability to cover up, still look sexy and most importantly feel comfortable in my own skin. I have always wanted to start a clothing line for bigger women with scars. Bigger women with insecurities. Bigger women who could cover up and look fabulous. Maybe change fashion to cover up and make exposing yourself taboo again. Who am I kidding!! Needless to say, I walked out of the store empty handed and just put together something in my closet. I felt great about my body and had a great time.

Personal

PhotoGrid_1405123489955I am hesitant to write about something that can trigger a million emotions. I had found a note that said “If you have found this I am gone. He did it.” I am taken back to the very minute I wrote this note. My ex had found out that I started a Facebook page. He had become enraged and threatened my life. I had locked my bedroom door and was hiding in my closet. I was breathing heavily, shaking, I couldn’t catch my breath. I was terrified. I knew my life was at risk. I knew he was going to strangle me. He had done it to me several times int he past. He always got what he wanted. He had always gotten his way. I was always forced to conform. I was always forced to mold into his ways. My voice had been taken away. I was his and his alone. He made great money and gave me everything I wanted. We drove new cars had a beautiful house but I was taken away from everything I loved. My family was forgotten about, I lost all of my friends. I was a prisoner in my own home. I remember going to the store and I went to grab his hand to walk with him. He told me no and that I was to walk behind him. If I didn’t listen I knew what was in store. I didn’t want to make a scene. Don’t ever make a scene out in public. You put on a front to make-believe your relationship is perfect. It was sickening. What was I doing to myself? I believed he loved me. I believed he wanted me. I was forced to do many things I did not want to do. I was lonely. I was alone in HIS world. I was fake. I had to be fake. I had to be fake in order to survive. Those were the worst years of my entire life. I look back on my memories and just shake my head. How could I let those things happen?

Make the pain go away

Treated so bad, tortured every night. Many days sitting by himself, making his life not right.

Left for endless hours all alone, beaten as a child, personality turning to stone.

Hearing the sound of the truck engine and whispers through the door, he knew his time was coming, he knew what was in store.

He would wear thick jeans but that only lasted so long, the man behind the belt knew the boy had done wrong.

He would take the boys clothes to just bare skin, nothing but bare bottom and legs very thin.

How come he got beat? What did he do so bad? How come the woman never helped, how come she never felt sad?

The boy knew she was listening right outside the door, she heard every swat and knew there would be more.

The woman never stopped, never interferred, was she deaf and blind or did she just not care?

Time went past and the whoopings still came, the man tried so hard but the boy was something he could never tame.

The man and woman ruled his every move, controlled his every thought, anger isn’t learned it is something that is taught.

Years went by, and the abuse occured everyday, It was something that was hidden under sarcasm, hate and dismay.

Getting the courage to tell the man how things really are, once again the man putting the blame on the boy and denying the hidden scars.

“I was such a bad Dad and I know what I did wasn’t right”, those were the words spoken on that long unavoidable night.

Time went by and the boy had to act fake. Fake smiles, laughs and grins, he did it for the girls sake .

Words were exchanged in the pool that spring, the mom was being rude and questioned the fake ring.

The time had come where the boy had something to say, “I am wanting to depart and go my own way”

I don’t want any games, just let me be. I will find my own way and finally be set free.

He is now able to do what he wants to do, living his own life and deciding on what to persue.

The names still come up nearly everyday, his life will never be the same but now he can lead his own way.

Him

When you are sitting all alone, do you wonder where he is or do you call him on the telephone?

Do you wish he was by your side, or he would pick you up so you could go for a ride?

Does he make you happy, does he make you smile? Do you adore his body and wish he would hold you awhile?

I love his face, fingers and toes, everything about him, its something everybody knows!

He treats me like a queen, I’m his number one fan. I want him to marry me and always be my man.

He does everything for me whatever I ask, from fix this or do that, it doesn’t really matter the task.

Scars

IMG_20150104_090408Wanting to be loved and held throughout the night, needing gentle kisses and words to make everything alright.

Him critizing her actions and telling her she is always wrong, a love that had started perfect now sounds like a sad love song.

They had a love that seemed true and everlasting, she wonders how long she will stay with him or if the realtionship has too much masking.

Hiding the bruises, scars and tears, there’s not a day that goes by that she doesn’t live in fear.

He watches her wide eyed as she sleeps throughout the night, she has thoughts of leaving him to make her life right.

The abuse occurs everyday, hurtful words are spoken and she is left in disarray.

Why can’t they be happy and go back to how things used to be, two people have interferred and made their relationship dreary.

Maybe things will be better and they could be happy some way. One phone call can change their realtionship, family and home and lead to a dreaded day.

Will that day come when the two become one, for the babys sake they should stick it out and say they have won.

Things will hopefully be better and they can live their own life, work on their relationship to become husband and wife.

The first time

Losing something to a precious love, not knowing the outcome, only known from up above.

Not waiting because it felt so right, rushing into it just overnight.

Wanting to take it back and forget it ever happened, now emotionally tied and her heart is in a bend.

Him saying the words that she thought were real, now lost with nothing, he got the good deal.

Wondering if ever cared or if more will come, she was a fool, how could she be so dumb?

A lot of plans were set, marriage kids and a home, now nothing is left.