Find your Peace

This quarantine has been a little difficult. I have been confined to my home 5 days a week and only go out on Saturday to get groceries. I stay inside with my kids and try to stay positive. Anout a month ago I had an extreme panic attack. I have anxiety and have had it for most of my life. For the most part I know when a panic attack will set in and then I try to calm myself down.

So my last panic attack was just crazy!! I have high blood pressure and have been on the same blood pressure medicine for over a year. So my panic attack started with me looking at my arm. I noticed that my arm was turning blue. Like my entire arm was turning bright blue. I started freaking out. I immediately called my mom and told her to video me. I wanted a second opinion. I showed my mom my arm and she completely agreed that my arm was blue. I freaked out. I hung up with my mom and started to see my other arm turn blue. Thoughts started racing in my mind. (Who would take care of my kids if I died?, What would my husband do without me?, Where would my kids live?) A million and one thoughts rushed to my mind in a matter of seconds making me freak out even more.   I ran upstairs to my kids room and felt extremely disoriented, confused, lightheaded as if I was going to pass out. I looked at my children and could not remember their names. They then freaked out. I told my oldest to find my phone. Seconds felt like hours as we went searching for my phone. I got my phone and tried calling 911. I couldn’t find the numbers. Everything was a blur. I was getting more and more dizzy. I went downstairs and went outside. I was extremely confused. I tried walking to my next door neighbors house but stopped midway and forgot where I was going. I finally got through to 911 and the operator was amazing. It took about 6 minutes for the medics to arrive. They examined me and then took me by ambulance to the hospital. In the ambulance my blood pressure was 189/117 and I was feeling terrible. I felt weak, nervous, paranoid, exhusted and still dizzy.

We arrived at the hospital and it was jammed packed. I was put outside strapped to the gurnee. I had rushes of complete nervousness take over my entire body. I wanted to be free of the straps. I wanted off the gurnee. I felt paranoid as if somebody was coming for me.  The paramedic did his best to calm me down but nothing worked. Twenty minutes later I finally entered the hospital. A doctor came and examined me. He took me to a wheelchair where I sat for the next 4 hours waiting to be seen. My heart was pumping out of my chest. Beating faster and faster. A nurse had taken my vitals and I was 180/100. She asked me if I was ok and I said no. She gave me some water. I drank it super fast. I asked her if I could have some more. I was thrn moved to another room where I was given a muscle relaxer and then released to go home.

This attack was like nothing I had ever experienced before. The next day I woke up and felt sore all over my body. I was very lethargic and dizzy. I knew something was not right so I decided to write my new doctor.

She was amazing! She reviewed my entire chart and asked me why I was on my blood pressure medicine. She told me stop taking my blood pressure medicine and to start taking a water pill. She also got me in touch with a psychologist and provided with with two anxiety apps to use on my phone. I was beyond ecstatic. I did some research of my own on anxiety and found yoga.

Now mind you,  I am a big girl and I second guessed myself when I was looking at the positions!! I am 16 days of doing yoga and could not be more fulfilled. I feel at peace and my body and mind feel settled. I am trying my best to make the best out of this quarantine and use it to my advantage. I wake up early in the morning before everybody is up and go and do my yoga. I get complete quiet time to myself. It is much needed time for my body and soul. I think everybody needs to do self-care in these times of uncertainty. I am starting my adventure being a yogi and I look forward to what changes will come with my mind and body!!

Personal

PhotoGrid_1405123489955I am hesitant to write about something that can trigger a million emotions. I had found a note that said “If you have found this I am gone. He did it.” I am taken back to the very minute I wrote this note. My ex had found out that I started a Facebook page. He had become enraged and threatened my life. I had locked my bedroom door and was hiding in my closet. I was breathing heavily, shaking, I couldn’t catch my breath. I was terrified. I knew my life was at risk. I knew he was going to strangle me. He had done it to me several times in the past. He always got what he wanted. He had always gotten his way. I was always forced to conform. I was always forced to mold into his ways. My voice had been taken away. I was his and his alone. He made great money and gave me everything I wanted. We drove new cars had a beautiful house but I was taken away from everything I loved. My family was forgotten about, I lost all of my friends. I was a prisoner in my own home. I remember going to the store and I went to grab his hand to walk with him. He told me no and that I was to walk behind him. If I didn’t listen I knew what was in store. I didn’t want to make a scene. Don’t ever make a scene out in public. You put on a front to make-believe your relationship is perfect. It was sickening. What was I doing to myself? I believed he loved me. I believed he wanted me. I was forced to do many things I did not want to do. I was lonely. I was alone in HIS world. I was fake. I had to be fake. I had to be fake in order to survive. Those were the worst years of my entire life. I look back on my memories and just shake my head. How could I let those things happen?

Hope

20190121_074933Why do you sit and wish for every dream to come true? Sit back and let life throw you every curve ball. Don’t be so anxious to have your life already lived. Can anybody show me the book of life? The book that shows all the answers to everyday problems. Does a book like this even exsist? Show me how to live, tell me what I am doing so wrong. When you love and lose, is there anymore left to live for? Why does the past still seem like the presentand yet life changes everyday? Even though memories have been made, feelings are there that cannot be hidden. Trying to put emotions aside that shouldn’t be there. The emotions of despair, loneliness and failure. Why does life have to be so strange? Caught in my emotions and needing to release. Every turn of the moon feels thankful for another day. Growing up not knowing the truth. Not knowing if there is someone special who holds all my answers. Going through life blind. Blind to the fact that there is more to life then what is really there. Trusting her every instinct. Knowing that will be her best guide.