Category: Love

Smudging

Smudging generally refers to the practice of burning herbal material. In order to smudge properly you must start at the front door and light your smudge stick. Then, begin to move around the home, Move mindfully and with care, walking clockwise around the entire perimeter of the home. This is pretty much what I read about online. I had never heard about smudging until I had watched a medium show online.

I have had several weird experiences happen to me throughout the years and never really thought about them. I brushed them off like weird experiences. The first experience was when my grandfather had passed away back in 91 and I always felt like someone was watching me or had someone with me. Throughout the years I felt like he was looking after me.

When I had my first son, he was always attracted to looking at the corner of my rooms. He would point and smile and interacted with “something” that was not there. At the age of four, he started telling me about this old man who would come and visit him during the night. He would say that the old man sits in the corner and watches him. My son would tell me that he is afraid of the old man. We moved shortly after these experiences and I thought by moving these experiences would stop.

We moved into my current house and I have had some real trippy things happening here. I have outdoor cameras that would record orbs in front of my house. Weird looking orbs that would stop moving or move fast and come at the same time every night. I started a you tube channel and put a ton of videos up. I then felt like more and more were showing up so maybe I was inviting them and so I deleted the videos and the you tube page.

Some of my experiences include being pushed down my stairs, hearing growls, seeing shadows, having my house alarm go off numerous times when set on away (only to come home to an empty house), my kids seeing figures, and lastly having this weird sense that “something” is there but I never knew what it was.

I went online and looked up how to smidge a house. I did exactly what it said to do online. My mom had went to Calistoga and had a smudge stick blessed by a Native American. I got everything ready and tried to stay focused. They say to stay with it and repeat a chat telling who ever is there to vacate. I will admit it, I was nervous but when I was going from room to room I started to feel more comfortable. I made sure to open my all of my windows and doors and kept them opened until I had finished. I paid close attention to the corners, the mirrors, electronic devices and clutter.

As weird as it may be, I feel like my house is lighter. It does not feel as “heavy” when you walk in. I feel like I can walk places and do not have that eerie feeling. After I did this I got a weird phone call from my Oma who asked me if I had ever smudged. I told her that I have and she asked me if I could go over to her house and smudge her house. She said she feels as if my grandfather is pulling her to join him. She cannot sleep in one room because she feels like something is there and does like the night time. I am excited to see how it works when I go over there. I am hoping that she will be able to rest easy at night and not be afraid.

Has anybody ever experienced something like this? Or does anybody have any comments about smudging? I would love to hear about it.

It takes effort

Throughout my busy week I must remind myself that in order to make relationships or friendships work, I must put forth the EFFORT to make them work. As with anything in life, it takes effort. If I do not put forth the effort to help my relationships work, then they probably won’t.

In order for me to make my friendships work I must make an effort to call or text my friends. I must remind them that I miss them and can’t wait to see them again. I must not get too comsumed with life that I forget about the people who matter the most to me.

As with friendships I must not forget my relatioship with my husband. My husband needs love and affection as well. He needs to be reminded of his worth, his contributions and much how much he is appreciated everyday.

I feel like we get wrapped up in work, in extra-curricular activities or children and forget about our adult relationships. Yes, church and sports are important but I need to remember that relationships are just as important. I want to try my best to make sure that I am doing my part to keep my relationships alive. I must not get too consumed with other things in my life that can take me away from my friends, my family or my spouse. I hope that I can look back on this post as a reminder that relationships take work and most of all EFFORT in order to work and prosper.

The Wedding

The wedding day was slowly approaching and she was freaking out. It wasn’t even her wedding day. It was the closet person to her, her sisters wedding. Everything was going smoothly until the day came to decide on the maid of honor and bridesmaid dresses. She knew what was in store. Her sister would want her to wear something form fitting, revealing and something not her style. She dreaded going shopping but she knew she had to go. The first store was a total bust. The bridesmaid had found a dress that was perfect for her body because she was a size 2! She could wear any dress in the entire store! Not her though, she was size 20. She had curvy hips and an unforgiving backside.

On to store two they go. Looking around the store there were a ton of beautiful dresses. Some in sizes up to 28. She was finally starting to feel a little more at ease. She liked the selection and the bigger sizes. Out of no where her sister pulls out this ungodly atrocious maroon dress. It was form fitting and had capped sleeves. Her sister was being pushy and convinced her to at least have her try it on. She went to the dressing room and crawled into the dress. Every possible place that could bulge, did. She tried lifting her arms and they would stop midway from being so tight. Then she had her entire arm completely exposed. Her entire burned arm was exposed. How could she tell her sister that she was uncomfortable? How could she let her sister know that the dress was not going to work?

It would have been ok and she would have made it work but then there was the best man. The best man who was constantly flirting with her and would have to walk her down the aisle. He would have to look at her arm. He would have to see the scars. She was mortified. She kept quiet about the dress and left without buying it. Her sister was very persistent and made her go to the wedding shop again. They went and she tried on the dress again and was sick to her stomach. She was not walking down the aisle in this dress. Well, her mom stepped in and made her wear the dress and said that “It wouldn’t be that bad.” She bought the dress, got home and shoved it in the closet. She wanted nothing to do with that horrid dress and wanted to forget all about it.

The wedding day had arrived. The bridesmaid and the sister had went to go get their makeup and nails done and did not invite her. She got dressed at her parents house by herself and did her own hair and makeup. She arrived at the church and tired to sit in the dressing room. The dress was super uncomfortable so she had to stand. The sister’s vail was crooked and she tried to fix it but her arms would not go up higher than midway. The sister started to get upset and yell at her. She explained how the dress was and that it was super uncomfortable. All she heard was “Deal with it” and “It’s your sisters day, don’t ruin it” from her mom.

The time came for her to walk down the aisle. She started to to tear up and wanted to run out of there but she didn’t want to make a scene. She grabbed her flowers and tried to cover her arm as much as possible. The best man had no idea what was going on but did look at her arm and made a weird grossed out look. She was humiliated. She came up with up a brilliant idea that she could just hide her arm by switching sides with the best man. It would solve everything!! She could hide her scars from everybody.

Well, that didn’t work out. As soon as they started to line up she tried to go to the other side and her mom saw what she was trying to do and started yelling at her! She argued that it was fine and not big deal but her mom was not having it. Her mom grabbed her by the arm and told her to stand on the other side. She wanted to burst into tears. Did nobody understand what was going on? Could nobody see how much she wanted to hide herself?

The music started and the best man pulled her down the aisle. She was so embarrassed. Friends and family were just peering at her arm like she was an alien. Eyes bulging out of their heads with snide looks. She kept walking and was finally at the alter. She finally could feel some relief. She was finally able to hide her arm. She stood at the alter with her face as red as the dress. Finally the vows were said and the kiss was made!! It was done. It was over with!

*This was one of the most humiliating times in my life that I want to forget even existed but I seem to remember a lot. It would be the setup for the next five years of my life that would be total hell. This was the day that had started everything.

So confused! :(

Does he really does love me? I know that I want him to love me. Is he in love with me? I have no idea. He is loyal, trustworthy and a hardworking man. Yes. Yet, I do not know if he is in love with me. I know that you can love someone and not be in love with them. I want that though. I want his heart. I want to know if he is in love with me. Why? I can’t answer that. I know from his previous relationship he went above and beyond for her. He bought her a ton of clothes and jewelry and he said that he thought he was in love with her. Is it possible to be in love, fall out of love and then to be in love again?

It has been something I have longed for. Like a quest. Not a competition. A journey to see if he would ever fall in love with someone like me. It really sounds odd but it is true. He is EVERYTHING that I want in a man. I couldn’t ask for more, but yet I could. How can you tell if a man is love with you? Can you tell by their actions? Can you tell by their words? Or do you just know? I struggle with not knowing on a daily basis. I struggle with the fact that I do not fully believe him when he says that he loves me.

I have opened up to him about this and he loves the fact that he leaves me confused and constantly wondering. How do you really ever know though? Is it something a man does or says that shows that he is in love with you? I guess I will never really know.

Feeling free

I think one of the most amazing feelings in the world is when you feel free. Free from judgement, free from comments and free from guilt. On this site I feel free. Free to write what ever it is I am feeling at the time and just let go of burdens. Right now in this very moment I am feeling wonderful. I get to spend every waking moment with two of the most precious boys. My boys mean so much to me. They make me smile, make me laugh and at times make me want to pull me hair out. But that’s ok. I would not change anything about either one of them. They are six years apart and this was not planned but it seems to be working out. They play together, wrestle together and bond together like no other.

I could have never predicted ten years ago that my life would be like this. My first son is amazing. His dad left me when he was two years old. His dad had told me when I was three months pregnant that two weeks before I had gotten pregnant that he did meth. I had the choice to put my son up for adoption but chose not to. I had the choice to give up on life and think that I am going to be dealing with a drug baby for the rest of my life. I chose the other route. I chose to do the right thing and try to be the best mom that I could be. I look at my son as a blessing. He basically saved and changed my life for the better. I was going down a very dark path and I was drinking excessively. When I found out that I was pregnant I had stopped drinking immediately. I refused to drink and have a child. It switched on a light that now I had someone to care for and tend to and I wanted my child to be proud that I was its mom. I kept the sex of the baby a secret. I never found out until he was born. I loved not knowing. I loved it being kept a secret. It made his coming to earth so much more special. I can still hear his cry and how much tugging they did on my belly to bring him to the outside world. Its a cry that I will never forget. I sit here writing this and it brings tears to my eyes just knowing that his father left him and never came back. I have had to go through a lot with my son. He did not speak until the age of 4 and was severly delayed with his speech. He had to have an IEP at the age of two and start receiving speech services. He also has problems with Executive functions, sequencing and predicting. At the age of six was when he learned how to open a door. He has no idea what to do next in situations. If we are driving somewhere and we park he has no clue that he has to get out of the car. He just sits there and waits patiently. Every process in life has been constant instructions. He cannot do two step instructions. He has to be told to do only one instruction at a time. It gets too mumbled jumbled for him. At the age of two we found out that he has hearing loss in his left ear. He had tubes put in twice. For the first surgery it went well and then he had to have a second surgery because his first tubes had fallen out. In a couple of months he will have to have another surgery. They will be doing a skin graft from these of his head to cover the hole in his ear and then inspect the three bones behind his ear to find out if that is what is causing his hearing loss. It has been a uphill battle that me and him face on a daily basis. I am happy that things turned out the way they did. Everything happens for a reason. Everything takes place for a special unknown reason. I am blessed for my first son and I make it known that he is and will forever be my baby boy. I think moms hold a special spot int here hearts for their first child. As unruly and feisty as they may be, I think first borns have a way to tug at moms heart strings.

Now my second born, oh my second born. Where do I begin. My second son is the most joyous, loving, spontaneous child I have ever met. He warms my heart and makes me melt. He is full of personality with no learning difficulties. He is very quick to learn and is very positive. He loves to laugh and play. I look at him and feel beyond blessed that he was brought into my life. He does not have any health issues so he is just a bundle of joy. He loves his brother more than anything and loves to play with him. My youngest teaches my oldest, which is so fun to watch. They bounce off of each other and clash at the same time. It’s hilarious when they play fight. I go throughout my day just feeling blessed and thankful for my boys. I know I was given both of these beautiful souls fro a reason. I treasure this quarantine and take it as a lesson. If I was at work and just did my daily grind I would be missing out on all of their little laughs, quirky jokes, and fun times.

Happy Birthday!

Looking back to how I was raised a word that continually jumps out is “forced”. Forced smiles, forced acting good, forced acting like I want to be around these people, and forced interactions. Forced to behave or else. Forced to go give hugs and kisses to people I didn’t know. Forced to be on my best behavior of sitting quietly. I remember only being with my extended family only on holidays. I laugh now about it, but in all reality, they really were my “Holiday Family.”

Not family that would be there for you when times got tough. Not family that would want to involved in your life. Not family that actually cared about your well-being. No, just family you saw in the holidays where you had to fake everything.

Fast forward years later to my birthday. Let me just say that I hate social media. Its an opportunity for fake relationships and fake interactions. My lovely mom goes ahead and makes a facebook post about my birthday. A cousin of mine then decides to write “Tell her I said Happy Birthday.” My mom goes on to speak about how I have been feeling lately. My cousin then wants more information. This triggered me so badly I felt compelled to get onto my moms facebook page to respond. I am finding that the older I get, the less of a filter I have. I did my best to maintain composure but I did give her a piece of my mind. What could have possibly triggered me, you ask. Well, I am sorry but I have a facebook. My cousin knows that I have a Facebook page. She also has Facebook messenger and a phone. If she REALLY cared about how I was doing, why wouldn’t she just friend me on Facebook? Why wouldn’t she have asked for my phone number? No instead she immediately calls my mom to discuss what I had written. I just do not have words for how I feel right now.

I have tried numerous times to reach out to my cousins to build some kind of relationship. I have asked to hang out over the weekends, to go shopping, and for them to come hang out at my house. They either never responded or just gave excuses.

I always have to question my reaction in situations such as these because I know that I get triggered easily. I guess at first I felt angry. I felt angry because I do not understand why somebody would do that.

I have to say for the remainder of the day I was in a very bad mood. According to my mom, my cousin is supposed to call me. I doubt this will ever happen. If if they did call, I wouldn’t have much to say. I mean, what could I say. Everything that I would want to say would be bitter and negative. I refuse to live my life feeling bitter. Today I choose to put it on “let go.” Just let it go and continue loving those around me that truely love and care for me. Happy Birthday to me!!

Beauty Marks

IMG_20180712_165623_241“Mama, why do I have spots on my body?” That is a question I had always asked my mom. Her response never changed, “They are your beauty marks.” Even though she would tell me this, I never felt beautiful. I wanted to be beautiful. I wanted to fit in. I wanted normal skin. Beautiful flawless skin. Skin without scars, without spots. Why did this happen to me? Why did I get so unlucky? These were questions I had asked myself on a daily basis. I would wake up in the morning, look into the mirror and then look away. Finally after graduating highschool, I decided that I would not let my spots get the best of me. I decided to do some research. I made an appointment with a dermatologist and found out I had Vitiligo. That’s my disease. That’s why I am so different. I now had two options. I could either let this disease get the best of me or I could learn to embrace it. It wasn’t until I had went to a gas station and saw the most beautiful woman covered in spots. Covered in spots and showing them off. Not ashamed. Not embarrassed. I thought to myself, hey she is like me, she is spotted. I felt the need to talk to her. I had to approach her. I needed to hear her story. I had no idea how I was going to approach her but I did. I slowly asked, “Do you have Vitiligo?” I think I startled her. She dropped her coffee all on the ground. I felt so embarrassed. Why did I approach her? Why did I ask her if I already knew the answer? “Oh, you mean my beauty marks?” She replied. My heart skipped a beat and my mouth dropped wide open. I started to tear up and studdered, “bbbeeaauuttyy mmaarrkkss?” “Yes, these are my beauty marks. Only people who are unique and special are blessed with these beauty marks like ours.” I wanted to wrap my arms around this lady and give her the biggest hug possible. I stood there and stared at her. I had so many questions to ask her. She cleaned up her coffee and gave me a huge smile. She seemed like she was in a hurry. I didn’t want her to leave. I wanted to talk to her. She started to walk away. I followed her. She got to the counter to pay for her coffee. She probably thought I was a weirdo for following her but I needed to talk to her.  She turned as she was leaving and said “Remember, don’t ever think that you are not beautiful and no matter what anybody says, just know that there’s not that many people out there who can be like us.” It made me feel so special after hearing those kind words. I watched her walk away. I was left speechless and shocked. This woman had spots, more spots than I had but she embraced them. She showed them off. I left that gas station that day feeling better than I have in my whole entire life. That lady changed my life forever.

The first time

Losing something to a precious love, not knowing the outcome, only known from up above.

Not waiting because it felt so right, rushing into it just overnight.

Wanting to take it back and forget it ever happened, now emotionally tied and her heart is in a bend.

Him saying the words that she thought were real, now lost with nothing, he got the good deal.

Wondering if ever cared or if more will come, she was a fool, how could she be so dumb?

A lot of plans were set, marriage kids and a home, now nothing is left.

Hope

20190121_074933Why do you sit and wish for every dream to come true? Sit back and let life throw you every curve ball. Don’t be so anxious to have your life already lived. Can anybody show me the book of life? The book that shows all the answers to everyday problems. Does a book like this even exsist? Show me how to live, tell me what I am doing so wrong. When you love and lose, is there anymore left to live for? Why does the past still seem like the present and yet life changes everyday? Even though memories have been made, feelings are there that cannot be hidden. Trying to put emotions aside that shouldn’t be there. The emotions of despair, loneliness and failure. Why does life have to be so strange? Caught in my emotions and needing to release. Every turn of the moon feels thankful for another day. Growing up not knowing the truth. Not knowing if there is someone special who holds all my answers. Going through life blind. Blind to the fact that there is more to life then what is really there. Trusting her every instinct. Knowing that she will be her best guide.

Scarred

Scared, terrified, hands sweaty, fingers trembling, feeling like she is in someone elses skin, body and mind, why can’t people see her fears? Hear her thoughts? wanting someone to listen, kiss her, be there for her when she needs love, rough and wild love, pure not nasty, looking at me crazy, look past her body, replace my scars, take away all these horrific scars, so silent, completely alone, kiss her softly, sexually, tickle her in a naughty way, no one notices her, what are you doing? be with me, hold me, wanting too much, hating life, gloomy thoughts, only one suffering, no one cares, playing with my mind, destroying my life, confused, dazed, lost. Hear me, take me, don’t leave me alone, care for just me, letting myself loose, getting stares, these awful unforgiving stares, STOP STARING AT ME!! hating to be looked at, wanting pleasure, bring pleasure, words told, unthoughtful words, hearing nothing, eyes are deceiving, bring pleasure, emptiness, bare surroundings, silence, blackness, darkness, come to me, i am angry, killing my heart, feeling helpless, no memories, blankness, is there more than this? getting lost, suffering mind, tremendous fear, always losing, no reflection, invisible to the world, outside looking in, alone, fearing people, try to be free, no care, no love