Suddenly you realize

So I am at work minding my own business when a co worker calls me over to talk to me. I do not think anything of it. She tells me that she bought me lunch. I was shocked. See this co worker stays to herself and has trust issues. She has taken a liking to me and I just go with the flow. I have never had a real friend in my life. I have had friends come and go in my life but never one that truely understands me, gets me or know the real me. I have a ton of trust issues so I build a wall that people must break thorugh to ge to know me. I have other co wokers who I talk to and I get along with. I have this one who calls me “Her only friend.” She confides in me things about her marriage, her relationships and her past. I would never tell anybody the things that she tells me. I keep what she says to me safe and to myself. When we are together at work we have a blast together. We laugh, we kid around. I do not feel like a friend to her though. I feel like a co worker. We do not hang out outside of work. We just see each other throughout the day and thats all. Friendships are weird and super hard to find. I watch television shows about groups of people hanging out and I always wonder is that real? Does that ever really happen in real life? I honestly can say that I have NEVER EVER met a female thats like me. That thinks like me, understands things like I do or beleive in the things that I belive in. I have always wanted to though. I have always dreamt of what it would be like to have a true friend and friendship with another female. To spend weekends together with, to go places with and od things things with. I have found that females put on fronts. Some act religious and are lost. Others act righteous but cannot think striaght. Some want to seem intelligent but cannot tie their own shoes. It just gets frustrating. Then suddenly I realize that there cannot be another person out like me. I am me and thats all I can be, I am ok with that.

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Personal

PhotoGrid_1405123489955I am hesitant to write about something that can trigger a million emotions. I had found a note that said “If you have found this I am gone. He did it.” I am taken back to the very minute I wrote this note. My ex had found out that I started a Facebook page. He had become enraged and threatened my life. I had locked my bedroom door and was hiding in my closet. I was breathing heavily, shaking, I couldn’t catch my breath. I was terrified. I knew my life was at risk. I knew he was going to strangle me. He had done it to me several times int he past. He always got what he wanted. He had always gotten his way. I was always forced to conform. I was always forced to mold into his ways. My voice had been taken away. I was his and his alone. He made great money and gave me everything I wanted. We drove new cars had a beautiful house but I was taken away from everything I loved. My family was forgotten about, I lost all of my friends. I was a prisoner in my own home. I remember going to the store and I went to grab his hand to walk with him. He told me no and that I was to walk behind him. If I didn’t listen I knew what was in store. I didn’t want to make a scene. Don’t ever make a scene out in public. You put on a front to make-believe your relationship is perfect. It was sickening. What was I doing to myself? I believed he loved me. I believed he wanted me. I was forced to do many things I did not want to do. I was lonely. I was alone in HIS world. I was fake. I had to be fake. I had to be fake in order to survive. Those were the worst years of my entire life. I look back on my memories and just shake my head. How could I let those things happen?

Make the pain go away

Treated so bad, tortured every night. Many days sitting by himself, making his life not right.

Left for endless hours all alone, beaten as a child, personality turning to stone.

Hearing the sound of the truck engine and whispers through the door, he knew his time was coming, he knew what was in store.

He would wear thick jeans but that only lasted so long, the man behind the belt knew the boy had done wrong.

He would take the boys clothes to just bare skin, nothing but bare bottom and legs very thin.

How come he got beat? What did he do so bad? How come the woman never helped, how come she never felt sad?

The boy knew she was listening right outside the door, she heard every swat and knew there would be more.

The woman never stopped, never interferred, was she deaf and blind or did she just not care?

Time went past and the whoopings still came, the man tried so hard but the boy was something he could never tame.

The man and woman ruled his every move, controlled his every thought, anger isn’t learned it is something that is taught.

Years went by, and the abuse occured everyday, It was something that was hidden under sarcasm, hate and dismay.

Getting the courage to tell the man how things really are, once again the man putting the blame on the boy and denying the hidden scars.

“I was such a bad Dad and I know what I did wasn’t right”, those were the words spoken on that long unavoidable night.

Time went by and the boy had to act fake. Fake smiles, laughs and grins, he did it for the girls sake .

Words were exchanged in the pool that spring, the mom was being rude and questioned the fake ring.

The time had come where the boy had something to say, “I am wanting to depart and go my own way”

I don’t want any games, just let me be. I will find my own way and finally be set free.

He is now able to do what he wants to do, living his own life and deciding on what to persue.

The names still come up nearly everyday, his life will never be the same but now he can lead his own way.

The first time

Losing something to a precious love, not knowing the outcome, only known from up above.

Not waiting because it felt so right, rushing into it just overnight.

Wanting to take it back and forget it ever happened, now emotionally tied and her heart is in a bend.

Him saying the words that she thought were real, now lost with nothing, he got the good deal.

Wondering if ever cared or if more will come, she was a fool, how could she be so dumb?

A lot of plans were set, marriage kids and a home, now nothing is left.

Scarred

Scared, terrified, hands sweaty, fingers trembling, feeling like she is in someone elses skin, body and mind, why can’t people see her fears? Hear her thoughts? wanting someone to listen, kiss her, be there for her when she needs love, rough and wild love, pure not nasty, looking at me crazy, look past her body, replace my scars, take away all these horrific scars, so silent, completely alone, kiss her softly, sexually, tickle her in a naughty way, no one notices her, what are you doing? be with me, hold me, wanting too much, hating life, gloomy thoughts, only one suffering, no one cares, playing with my mind, destroying my life, confused, dazed, lost. Hear me, take me, don’t leave me alone, care for just me, letting myself loose, getting stares, these awful unforgiving stares, STOP STARING AT ME!! hating to be looked at, wanting pleasure, bring pleasure, words told, unthoughtful words, hearing nothing, eyes are deceiving, bring pleasure, emptiness, bare surroundings, silence, blackness, darkness, come to me, i am angry, killing my heart, feeling helpless, no memories, blankness, is there more than this? getting lost, suffering mind, tremendous fear, always losing, no reflection, invisible to the world, outside looking in, alone, fearing people, try to be free, no care, no love

A night to never forget

A strange hand, feels cold, very cold, like she never felt it before, feeling uncomfortable, and not wanting to be there, thinking the people around her were her friends, wanting o erase the night, so much anger, just wanting to hit somehitng hard or runaway and crythe night away, he making fun of her, trying to be nice, he not having a life, stuck in a fantasy life, nothing ever making sense, feeling nervous like someone was watching over her, talking to her best friend, having nothing in common with her, making her feel unwanted, watching the hour fly by, just wanting to be held or be left alone, so many mixed emotions, seeing the mark on his neck, having his pager go off, making her wonder, who would page him, getting jealous like they were going out, never knowing what he thinks, what he does or if he really ever thinks of her, making her fall in love with him, something that never really exsisted, so many questions going unanswered, wantign to give in, starting something that will never be finished, slowly dieing inside, ripping her insides out, it will all soon be over

Thoughts

Life can be pretty cool, chillen with friends, hanging out, living life to the fullest, tomorrow always brings something new, what will happen, time will only tell, wating to freeze time, having too much fun, getting in trouble, staying out late, being close to someone you really like, having them tickle your every tickelish spot, caressing your body with every soft touch, never really knowing what love is, going back and forth betweens guys, never deciding what they mean to her, being confused, letting them see places only God has seen, slowly slipping into another world, a world without any boundaries, any limits, any rules, letting herself be free and have no care in the world, that’s the only problem, she doesn’t care, the outcome won’t matter to her, getting called names, some she doesn’t want to hear, making her out to be something shes not, if she would have just cared, if she would have just looked twice about the outcome, its too late, she is gone, never to be seen again, only an image of our past, she let guys rule her life, her fun has finally ended