Category: relationship

The Wedding

The wedding day was slowly approaching and she was freaking out. It wasn’t even her wedding day. It was the closet person to her, her sisters wedding. Everything was going smoothly until the day came to decide on the maid of honor and bridesmaid dresses. She knew what was in store. Her sister would want her to wear something form fitting, revealing and something not her style. She dreaded going shopping but she knew she had to go. The first store was a total bust. The bridesmaid had found a dress that was perfect for her body because she was a size 2! She could wear any dress in the entire store! Not her though, she was size 20. She had curvy hips and an unforgiving backside.

On to store two they go. Looking around the store there were a ton of beautiful dresses. Some in sizes up to 28. She was finally starting to feel a little more at ease. She liked the selection and the bigger sizes. Out of no where her sister pulls out this ungodly atrocious maroon dress. It was form fitting and had capped sleeves. Her sister was being pushy and convinced her to at least have her try it on. She went to the dressing room and crawled into the dress. Every possible place that could bulge, did. She tried lifting her arms and they would stop midway from being so tight. Then she had her entire arm completely exposed. Her entire burned arm was exposed. How could she tell her sister that she was uncomfortable? How could she let her sister know that the dress was not going to work?

It would have been ok and she would have made it work but then there was the best man. The best man who was constantly flirting with her and would have to walk her down the aisle. He would have to look at her arm. He would have to see the scars. She was mortified. She kept quiet about the dress and left without buying it. Her sister was very persistent and made her go to the wedding shop again. They went and she tried on the dress again and was sick to her stomach. She was not walking down the aisle in this dress. Well, her mom stepped in and made her wear the dress and said that “It wouldn’t be that bad.” She bought the dress, got home and shoved it in the closet. She wanted nothing to do with that horrid dress and wanted to forget all about it.

The wedding day had arrived. The bridesmaid and the sister had went to go get their makeup and nails done and did not invite her. She got dressed at her parents house by herself and did her own hair and makeup. She arrived at the church and tired to sit in the dressing room. The dress was super uncomfortable so she had to stand. The sister’s vail was crooked and she tried to fix it but her arms would not go up higher than midway. The sister started to get upset and yell at her. She explained how the dress was and that it was super uncomfortable. All she heard was “Deal with it” and “It’s your sisters day, don’t ruin it” from her mom.

The time came for her to walk down the aisle. She started to to tear up and wanted to run out of there but she didn’t want to make a scene. She grabbed her flowers and tried to cover her arm as much as possible. The best man had no idea what was going on but did look at her arm and made a weird grossed out look. She was humiliated. She came up with up a brilliant idea that she could just hide her arm by switching sides with the best man. It would solve everything!! She could hide her scars from everybody.

Well, that didn’t work out. As soon as they started to line up she tried to go to the other side and her mom saw what she was trying to do and started yelling at her! She argued that it was fine and not big deal but her mom was not having it. Her mom grabbed her by the arm and told her to stand on the other side. She wanted to burst into tears. Did nobody understand what was going on? Could nobody see how much she wanted to hide herself?

The music started and the best man pulled her down the aisle. She was so embarrassed. Friends and family were just peering at her arm like she was an alien. Eyes bulging out of their heads with snide looks. She kept walking and was finally at the alter. She finally could feel some relief. She was finally able to hide her arm. She stood at the alter with her face as red as the dress. Finally the vows were said and the kiss was made!! It was done. It was over with!

*This was one of the most humiliating times in my life that I want to forget even existed but I seem to remember a lot. It would be the setup for the next five years of my life that would be total hell. This was the day that had started everything.

So confused! :(

Does he really does love me? I know that I want him to love me. Is he in love with me? I have no idea. He is loyal, trustworthy and a hardworking man. Yes. Yet, I do not know if he is in love with me. I know that you can love someone and not be in love with them. I want that though. I want his heart. I want to know if he is in love with me. Why? I can’t answer that. I know from his previous relationship he went above and beyond for her. He bought her a ton of clothes and jewelry and he said that he thought he was in love with her. Is it possible to be in love, fall out of love and then to be in love again?

It has been something I have longed for. Like a quest. Not a competition. A journey to see if he would ever fall in love with someone like me. It really sounds odd but it is true. He is EVERYTHING that I want in a man. I couldn’t ask for more, but yet I could. How can you tell if a man is love with you? Can you tell by their actions? Can you tell by their words? Or do you just know? I struggle with not knowing on a daily basis. I struggle with the fact that I do not fully believe him when he says that he loves me.

I have opened up to him about this and he loves the fact that he leaves me confused and constantly wondering. How do you really ever know though? Is it something a man does or says that shows that he is in love with you? I guess I will never really know.

Seeing more clearly

Within the last couple of years my eyes have opened more to see things more clearly. I have noticed things about people that I may have just brushed off in the past. I realize people change and circumstances change but I didn’t realize that feelings changed so drastically. I am the type of person to take notice of other people’s body language and words. I know that if I am trying to talk to you and you are on your phone, I do not have your undivided attention. I also notice that when you can’t stop doing what you are doing and listen to me, then I truely do not have your attention.  I also realize when my pure existence is just to keep you entertained. I am coming to understand that with one particular persons life, I am merely a puppet. This person thrives off of the fact that I am doing bad. They want me in a position to where they have to help me. If I dont NEED them then I am just another person to them. They merely feed off my misery. I have taken time to look back on my life and realized that there hasn’t been one time when this person was truely happy for me. I mean truely happy for me. They have always been there to support me, but that is because I was in need of them. Once I got onto my own two feet and started showing that I am doing good, I noticed a change. I noticed a change in behavior and feelings. I wanted this person to just be happy for me. Truely happy for me. Is it so hard for someone to be happy for someone else?

True Colors

Oh, I don’t even know where to begin with this one. Where to begin? It’s like I have a million and one words to write but cannot even begin. It’s frustrating and makes me infuriated at the same time. So let’s take it back about six years ago. A new person started working at my work. Let’s name her Beth. She kind of stayed to herself. She never really spoke to me. I would approach her and talk to her. We would see each other on a daily basis at work so I would make an effort to go and spend time with her.

Years would go by and we started hanging out at my house. She would come over and hang out with my family. We would have a girls day where we would go shopping and get our nails done. We opened up to one another about our past relationships. She was single and I am married so she would share her stories and I would share mine.

I really felt a bond with her. Beth would go and buy me little gifts here and there for my birthday and Christmas. I would buy her birthday gifts. I honestly thought she was a good friend to me. I have always wanted that kind of friendship. She was my go to girl. She was always there when I needed to talk or just to hang out.

I then noticed a shift. It was very slight but I did notice. I noticed it was me coming to see her more. It was me more going out of my way to do things for her. I noticed that I was becoming a second priority. Another girl at my work would go and buy her lunch like everyday and I noticed that they became closer. It hurt but I just brushed it off. I know my worth in any relationship. It came to a point where she started talking more about this other girl and how she would buy her things. Well, I am not that fortunate to constantly be spending money on a friend when I have a family to raise. Beth then started putting so much attention on her daughter and her daughter treated her like utter crap. Beth would go above and beyond for daughter and her daughter was so ungrateful. Beth spent hours making her a graduation present and her daughter said “Thanks” and then shoved it into her closet. Her daughter really used her. Beth just kept doing more and more things for her daughter and every time the daughter would be so ungrateful. It brought Beth to tears. She would break down and cry to me about everything. I was always there for her. Beth’s aunt had passed away and I did everything in my power to be there for her. I comforted her when she would have her breakdowns. I would constantly check on her. I offered to help her with anything that she needed. Beth’s grandma then passed away. This hit Beth so hard. She distanced herself from everybody. She stopped taking care of herself. She would blow me off numerous times when I tried to be there for her. I didn’t know what to do or how to be there for her. I gave her some space. When she did come around she placed the blame on me. I had no words. All I knew was that I was trying my best to be a good friend to her.

Beth’s birthday just passed. I went and got a really cute gift and made her feel special. I had some people sing to her. I tried my best to make her feel great on her day. Her daughter comes to see her at work and brings her food. Beth gets overly excited, almost starts crying and posts everything about her daughter on Snapchat. Not one single mention of me. Not one single mention of what I did for her. I asked Beth if she would want to come over and celebrate her birthday at my house. She didn’t want to come over unless my husband had a single friend come over. I begged her and begged her. She didn’t want to come over and see me. She wanted to see him. As I am writing this, I want to hit myself upside the head and say DUH!! All the times I had to beg for her to come over and hang out with me. The times when she would go see other people first and if there was time left then she could come see me. The fact that she never invited me inside her house. The fact that I was never to go hang out at her house. Why didn’t I see those as signs? I guess you really have to look back at situations to realize how people are.

So, fast forward years later. Beth gets hurt at work. I had been overwhelmed with a ton of work and never even had a break from my workspace. I finally had the chance to go and see her. Come to find out she had been absent for two days. I immediately texted Beth to find out if she was ok. Four hours had passed and I had not heard a word. I then went to her supervisor to find out what had happened. Her supervisor had let me see text messages between them about what had happened to Beth. I then had several employees coming up to me telling me things about Beth that I had no idea. It hit me like a semi-truck. I woke up. I was done. I was done being a last priority. I was done being treated like this. How could other people know what’s going on when her when own good friend has no idea? She then finally texts me four hours later to let me know what had happened. I let her know that I had already heard from her supervisor. No more conversation. No more text messages. Two days later I get a text that says “Hope all is good. Have a good day and take care.” I responded with “Thanks you too.” I then go onto snapchat the next day to see a post written by Beth that says “I thought you were a good friend to me. Theres a reason why I never wanted to open up again because I knew I would get hurt.” It was posted with a sad crying face. At this point I am lost for words. Now I am the bad friend. I am the bad person. I am the reason why she never opened up. See, now with me, I am not the one to just be quiet. I went straight to Instagram and wrote her a huge message about exactly how I felt. I pointed out things she was doing. I pointed out how I felt like I was second priority. She responds with “I feel the best thing is for you not to have someone like me in your life. Obviously, I wasn’t a good friend to you. Obviously there are better people in your life that have and will be there for you more than I ever did. You deserve better than me in your life.” In other words she no longer wants to be my friend. Just like that!! Poof!! She no longer wants to be my friend because I told her how I felt. I told her what she was doing to me. BAM!!! She wants nothing to do with me. I had no words. I didn’t even respond. I left it alone. I went and checked my social media and she did not delete herself. Two weeks went by and she was still on my social media. I went ahead and texted her about why she would still want to be on my social media. She says sorry and that she will remove herself and that would be my birthday gift. I wish I could make this nonsense up. I once again did not engage. That was my birthday gift. Finalizing our friendship that she ended. How are you supposed to feel after that? How are you supposed to heal after that? I guess right now I am frustrated, angry, hurt and confused. I am at a total loss of words. I just don’t understand why people act the way they do? If I am a bad person let me know. If I hurt you in anyway, let me know. Just let me know. Friendships can always be repaired, right? Not this one. I am no longer going to allow myself to be hurt. I am no longer going to allow myself to be used.

Happy Birthday!

Looking back to how I was raised a word that continually jumps out is “forced”. Forced smiles, forced acting good, forced acting like I want to be around these people, and forced interactions. Forced to behave or else. Forced to go give hugs and kisses to people I didn’t know. Forced to be on my best behavior of sitting quietly. I remember only being with my extended family only on holidays. I laugh now about it, but in all reality, they really were my “Holiday Family.”

Not family that would be there for you when times got tough. Not family that would want to involved in your life. Not family that actually cared about your well-being. No, just family you saw in the holidays where you had to fake everything.

Fast forward years later to my birthday. Let me just say that I hate social media. Its an opportunity for fake relationships and fake interactions. My lovely mom goes ahead and makes a facebook post about my birthday. A cousin of mine then decides to write “Tell her I said Happy Birthday.” My mom goes on to speak about how I have been feeling lately. My cousin then wants more information. This triggered me so badly I felt compelled to get onto my moms facebook page to respond. I am finding that the older I get, the less of a filter I have. I did my best to maintain composure but I did give her a piece of my mind. What could have possibly triggered me, you ask. Well, I am sorry but I have a facebook. My cousin knows that I have a Facebook page. She also has Facebook messenger and a phone. If she REALLY cared about how I was doing, why wouldn’t she just friend me on Facebook? Why wouldn’t she have asked for my phone number? No instead she immediately calls my mom to discuss what I had written. I just do not have words for how I feel right now.

I have tried numerous times to reach out to my cousins to build some kind of relationship. I have asked to hang out over the weekends, to go shopping, and for them to come hang out at my house. They either never responded or just gave excuses.

I always have to question my reaction in situations such as these because I know that I get triggered easily. I guess at first I felt angry. I felt angry because I do not understand why somebody would do that.

I have to say for the remainder of the day I was in a very bad mood. According to my mom, my cousin is supposed to call me. I doubt this will ever happen. If if they did call, I wouldn’t have much to say. I mean, what could I say. Everything that I would want to say would be bitter and negative. I refuse to live my life feeling bitter. Today I choose to put it on “let go.” Just let it go and continue loving those around me that truely love and care for me. Happy Birthday to me!!

Darkness

He knew what he was doing. He knew how the night was going to take place. Every step strategically planned out. Planned out to his advantage. Planned out HIS way. He gets her excited for a party. A party where they have to pick out costumes together. They wanted to look their best. They wanted to impress everybody. They show up to the party looking great. Everybody is commenting on their costumes. They are laughing, enjoying the moment. Enjoying the sights and sounds. They were just friends. Friends that were supposed to have trust in one another. Friends that were supposed to depend on one another for security and comfort. They had known each other for a couple if years now. A very great friendship where secrets were exchanged and great memories were made with one a other. The night is going great. More people are showing up. The music is playing. People are dancing having a great time. He goes and offers her a drink and she declines. He waits a little longer and she accepts. Shes too young for this. Shes too young to be having alcohol. She drinks it and does not like the taste. He encourages her to drink more. She declines amd goes to dance. He moves in close to her. She’s not used to him. She’s not used to this other person he has become. She pushes him away. He smiles and laughs. Oh that smile! That smile that could light up a room. He tries again to get her to drink. This time the drink was something different. It smelled sweet but bitter. She likes it. It makes her feel powerful, free, carefree. She asks for another one. He refuses. But soon gives in and gives her another. She enjoys it. She starts dancing. Dancing wildly. Throwing her hands up the air, shaking and moving her body in ways she never thought she could. He was enjoying her. He was enjoying her carelessness. He watches over her and she notices. She sees how his eyes move up and down her body. Undressing her mildly but something inside her drives to move more. To drink more. She likes the attention. She craves for his attention. Its getting late and the party is coming to an end. He is begging to stay the night. She knows her parents won’t allow it. But they are just friends and her parents trusted him. Her parents give in and allowed him stay. She is surprised they said yes and unexpectedly happy about their decision. She decides to just keep her clothes on and crawls into bed. Her world is spinning. She cannot focus. She cannot see straight. Her head is hurting. Suddenly everything goes black.

She is awoken by the sound of her mom making coffee. She strains to open her eyes. Everything hurts. Her legs hurt, her breasts hurt and even down there is very sore. She looks down at her clothes. She is in a different set of clothes. Her panties are different. What happened? Why was she in completely different clothes? Where did he go? She heard a noise in the bathroom. It was him. She covered herself with the blanket. He walks into the room and smiles at her. She doesn’t understand. She doesn’t know how to feel. Her body goes numb. What happened? Why was she in different clothes?  Her mom comes into the room and asks how everything is. She lies and says fine. She really just wants to run into her moms arms and just cry. She wants the tears to fall. Something happened last night. Something happened that she is responsible for. She wants to tell her mom. She can’t get the words out. She can’t speak.  She stays quiet. She doesn’t say anything.

Days later she decides to meet up with him. She wants to talk about that night. She has questions that need to be answered. She sees him and he is standoffish. He slowly approaches her. She blurts out “What happened that night?” She can’t help it. Its eating her up inside. She knows something happened. “You couldn’t keep your hands off of me.” She laughs and replies “Yea right.” “It’s true. You wanted me, so I gave you me.” A million thoughts rush through her mind. Confused. Anger. Frustration. Just a whrilwind of emotions overloading her mind. “Well do you want the details?” He asked. “NO!” she yells. She didn’t want to know what had happened. She turned and left. She left him there puzzled. In the following weeks flashblacks would come to her. Pictures. Very vivid pictures of what had happened that night. Pictures that she would never be able to erase. Smells that she could never forget.

It wasn’t that bad though. She had wanted it, right?

Sue

I feel like the ages of 14-17 are the most impressionable moments in a childs life. We are learning about our bodies, we are learning about life and most of all we are experiencing changes that we have never felt before.

I had the opportunity to have met a guy when I was 15. He was two years older than I was. It was an instant attraction and I thought I would stay with him for a long time. We shared some great memories together and he showed me a lot about life. I had experienced things with him that I had NEVER experienced. I trusted him because I felt like he protected me. I had wanted to learn more about life and experience life more so I felt like I always wanted to be around him. One particular day would change my life so drastically, it would result in the many issues I have today.

It was a sunny Saturday and him and I were bored just hanging out at the house. He suggested that we go and see a movie. I thought it was a cool idea so I told him to go ask his mom for the newspaper so we could what was playing. He searched all around the house but could not find a newspaper. I told him to just go ask his mom for the newspaper. He had went to her door, knocked on it a couple of times but she didn’t answer. She was playing her rock and roll music extremely loud. I had found a newspaper by the couch and let him know. He then went to her door again to let her know that we were going to the movies.  He said that he heard her say ok. I felt like something was not right. She had been in her room all morning and I had not heard her. My sixth sense had told me something was wrong. I had told him to go talk to her in person. He had went to her door and knocked several times. Her door was locked so he used the key that was above the door sill to open the door. He walked in and saw his mom in bed. He had walked up to her and she didn’t move. He immediately ran back to me with his face extremely pale looking like he was about to pass out. I had asked him what wrong and he said “shes dead”. My heart almost stopped and my stomach felt sick. I knew I had to be strong for him. I had walked into the bedroom and my nose was engulfed with the smell of death. If you have ever smelled death then you know exactly what I am talking about. Its a strong, sour smell that you can never “unsmell”. I had walked over to her and she was laying in her bed not moving. Her body was lifeless. Her chest was not moving up and down. There was no response from her. My boyfriend took his hand shaking and put it to her neck. He immediately took his hand back. He said, “She’s cold.”

I had told him to immediately call 911. His hands were shaking and he could barely breathe. I helped him call down. Within an hour the ambulance and coroner were there to take her away. I had went back into the bedroom with him after they had removed her and noticed a trail of blood on the ground. I showed it to him and he had no idea what that was.

We had to wait on the coroner’s report to find out what had happened. Minutes felt like hours and hours felt like days. I had went home to be with my family. My family in a way didn’t know how to react. They consoled me but yet made me felt like it was nothing big. I was extremely hurt and saddened by how my family reacted. My boyfriend had just lost his mom. His MOM! I was upset so I had just went to my room. I was only 15. I had no idea what emotions I was supposed to feel or not feel. I felt lost, confused, angry and hurt all at once. I didn’t get much sleep that night. I tossed and turned for most of the night. I woke up in the morning thinking that maybe it had all just been a bad dream. I tried to page my boyfriend on his pager several times but he never responded.

A week had passed and he had not called me or paged me. I tried to understand what was going on. I was going through emotions as well. I had witnessed this with him. I felt like he was just pushing me away. I felt like since I was a part of it I would just invoke that horrible day all over for him.

I finally received a call from him and he had asked if I could come over. I had my mom drop me off at his house and he had showed me the obituary. It was determined that her esophagus had exploded. The doctors to did not know why or how but she ended up bleedung to death internally. He was very short with me. He didn’t talk much. He just looked lost. I tried my best to be there for him but I was not what he needed. I ended up going to the funeral and he had ignored me the entire time. I had left without saying good bye. I had left being left with a million and one thoughts to deal with all on my own. I was just a teenager with no real life experiences and felt all alone. I felt like he didn’t really care about me. I had called him about two weeks later and told him that I wanted to break up with him. He said “ok” and hung up on me. I was so confused at this point. How could he just be done with me? How could he not fight for me? How could he just give up on us so easily? I had went over to his house and did not say a word to him. I went into his bedroom and gathered my things. I walked by him and he would not look at me. As I walked out the front door I told him goodbye. He did not respond.

To this day I feel like I have issues of having an overly exaggerated feeling of being pushed away. I feel like if I have a realtionship whether it be a friend, family member or my husband, and they start to either ignore me or avoid me, I go into an instant removal mode. I want to remove myself from them, I want to remove my attachment to them and I want to remove all my emotions I feel about them. I want to save myself from my feelings of getting hurt. I know this life experience has impacted my life drastically and I am glad that I can now have the courage to write about it. I have only told a couple people about this experience. I am hoping I can emotionally heal from this by sharing this.

Suddenly you realize

So I am at work minding my own business when a co worker calls me over to talk to me. I do not think anything of it. She tells me that she bought me lunch. I was shocked. See this co worker stays to herself and has trust issues. She has taken a liking to me and I just go with the flow. I have never had a real friend in my life. I have had friends come and go in my life but never one that truely understands me, gets me or knows the real me. I have a ton of trust issues so I build a wall that people must break through to get to know me. I have other co wokers who I talk to and I get along with. I have this one who calls me “Her only friend.” She confides in me things about her marriage, her relationships and her past. I would never tell anybody the things that she tells me. I keep what she says to me safe and to myself. When we are together at work we have a blast together. We laugh, we kid around.  Friendships are weird and super hard to find. I watch television shows about groups of people hanging out and I always wonder is that real? Does that ever really happen in real life? I honestly can say that I have NEVER EVER met a female thats like me. That thinks like me, understands things like I do or beleive in the things that I belive in. I have always wanted to though. I have always dreamt of what it would be like to have a true friend and friendship with another female. To spend weekends together with, to go places with and do things things with. I have found that females put on fronts. Some act religious and are lost. Others act righteous but cannot think striaght. Some want to seem intelligent but cannot tie their own shoes. It just gets frustrating. Then suddenly I realize that there cannot be another person out like me. I am me and thats all I can be, I am ok with that.

Personal

PhotoGrid_1405123489955I am hesitant to write about something that can trigger a million emotions. I had found a note that said “If you have found this I am gone. He did it.” I am taken back to the very minute I wrote this note. My ex had found out that I started a Facebook page. He had become enraged and threatened my life. I had locked my bedroom door and was hiding in my closet. I was breathing heavily, shaking, I couldn’t catch my breath. I was terrified. I knew my life was at risk. I knew he was going to strangle me. He had done it to me several times in the past. He always got what he wanted. He had always gotten his way. I was always forced to conform. I was always forced to mold into his ways. My voice had been taken away. I was his and his alone. He made great money and gave me everything I wanted. We drove new cars had a beautiful house but I was taken away from everything I loved. My family was forgotten about, I lost all of my friends. I was a prisoner in my own home. I remember going to the store and I went to grab his hand to walk with him. He told me no and that I was to walk behind him. If I didn’t listen I knew what was in store. I didn’t want to make a scene. Don’t ever make a scene out in public. You put on a front to make-believe your relationship is perfect. It was sickening. What was I doing to myself? I believed he loved me. I believed he wanted me. I was forced to do many things I did not want to do. I was lonely. I was alone in HIS world. I was fake. I had to be fake. I had to be fake in order to survive. Those were the worst years of my entire life. I look back on my memories and just shake my head. How could I let those things happen?

Make the pain go away

Treated so bad, tortured every night. Many days sitting by himself, making his life not right.

Left for endless hours all alone, beaten as a child, personality turning to stone.

Hearing the sound of the truck engine and whispers through the door, he knew his time was coming, he knew what was in store.

He would wear thick jeans but that only lasted so long, the man behind the belt knew the boy had done wrong.

He would take the boys clothes to just bare skin, nothing but bare bottom and legs very thin.

How come he got beat? What did he do so bad? How come the mom never helped, how come she never felt sad?

The boy knew she was listening right outside the door, she heard every swat and knew there would be more.

The woman never stopped, never interferred, was she deaf and blind or did she just not care?

Time went past and the whoopings still came, the man tried so hard but the boy was something he could never tame.

The man and woman ruled his every move, controlled his every thought, anger isn’t learned it is something that is taught.

Years went by, and the abuse occured everyday, It was something that was hidden under sarcasm, hate and dismay.

Getting the courage to tell the man how things really are, once again the man putting the blame on the boy and denying the hidden scars.

“I was such a bad Dad and I know what I did wasn’t right”, those were the words spoken on that long unavoidable night.

Time went by and the boy had to act fake. Fake smiles, laughs and grins, he did it for the girls sake .

Words were exchanged in the pool that spring, the mom was being rude and questioned the fake ring.

The time had come where the boy had something to say, “I am wanting to depart and go my own way”

I don’t want any games, just let me be. I will find my own way and finally be set free.

He is now able to do what he wants to do, living his own life and deciding on what to persue.

The names still come up nearly everyday, his life will never be the same but now he can lead his own way.