Darkness

2017-04-19-13-35-36-1He knew what he was doing. He knew how the night was going to take place. Every step strategically planned out. Planned out to his advantage. Planned out HIS way. He gets her excited for a party. A party where they have to pick out costumes together. They wanted to look their best. They wanted to impress everybody. They show up to the party looking great. Everybody is commenting on their costumes. They are laughing, enjoying the moment. Enjoying the sights and sounds. They were just friends. Friends that were supposed to have trust in one another. Friends that were supposed to depend on one another for security and comfort. They had known each other for a couple if years now. A very great friendship where secrets were exchanged and great memories were made with one a other. The night is going great. More people are showing up. The music is playing. People are dancing having a great time. He goes and offers her a drink and she declines. He waits a little longer and she accepts. Shes too young for this. Shes too young to be having alcohol. She drinks it and does not like the taste. He encourages her to drink more. She declines amd goes to dance. He moves in close to her. She’s not used to him. She’s not used to this other person he has become. She pushes him away. He smiles and laughs. Oh that smile! That smile that could light up a room. He tries again to get her to drink. This time the drink was something different. It smelled sweet but bitter. She likes it. It makes her feel powerful, free, carefree. She asks for another one. He refuses. But soon gives in and gives her another. She enjoys it. She starts dancing. Dancing wildly. Throwing her hands up the air, shaking and moving her body in ways she never thought she could. He was enjoying her. He was enjoying her carelessness. He watches over her and she notices. She sees how his eyes move up and down her body. Undressing her mildly but something inside her drives to move more. To drink more. She likes the attention. She craves for his attention. Its getting late and the party is coming to an end. He is begging to stay the night. She knows her parents won’t allow it. But they are just friends and her parents trusted him. Her parents give in and allowed him stay. She is surprised they said yes and unexpectedly happy about their decision. She decides to just keep her clothes on and crawls into bed. Her world is spinning. She cannot focus. She cannot see straight. Her head is hurting. Suddenly everything goes black.

She is awoken by the sound of her mom making coffee. She strains to open her eyes. Everything hurts. Her legs hurt, her breasts hurt and even down there is very sore. She looks down at her clothes. She is in a different set of clothes. Her panties are different. What happened? Why was she in completely different clothes? Where did he go? She heard a noise in the bathroom. It was him. She covered herself with the blanket. He walks into the room and smiles at her. She doesn’t understand. She doesn’t know how to feel. Her body goes numb. What happened? Why was she in different clothes?  Her mom comes into the room and asks how everything is. She lies and says fine. She really just wants to run into her moms arms and just cry. She wants the tears to fall. Something happened last night. Something happened that she is responsible for. She wants to tell her mom. She can’t get the words out. She can’t speak.  She stays quiet. She doesn’t say anything.

Days later she decides to meet up with him. She wants to talk about that night. She has questions that need to be answered. She sees him and he is standoffish. He slowly approaches her. She blurts out “What happened that night?” She can’t help it. Its eating her up inside. She knows something happened. “You couldn’t keep your hands off of me.” She laughs and replies “Yea right.” “It’s true. You wanted me, so I gave you me.” A million thoughts rush through her mind. Confused. Anger. Frustration. Just a whrilwind of emotions overloading her mind. “Well do you want the details?” He asked. “NO!” she yells. She didn’t want to know what had happened. She turned and left. She left him there puzzled. In the following weeks flashblacks would come to her. Pictures. Very vivid pictures of what had happened that night. Pictures that she would never be able to erase. Smells that she could never forget.

It wasn’t that bad though. She had wanted it, right?

Sue

I feel like the ages of 14-17 are the most impressionable moments in a childs life. We are learning about our bodies, we are learning about life and most of all we are experiencing changes that we have never felt before.

I had the opportunity to have met a guy when I was 15. He was two years older than I was. It was an instant attraction and I thought I would stay with him for a long time. We shared some great memories together and he showed me a lot about life. I had experienced things with him that I had NEVER experienced. I trusted him because I felt like he protected me. I had wanted to learn more about life and experience life more so I felt like I always wanted to be around him. One particular day would change my life so drastically, it would result in the many issues I have today.

It was a sunny Saturday and him and I were bored just hanging out at the house. He suggested that we go and see a movie. I thought it was a cool idea so I told him to go ask his mom for the newspaper so we could what was playing. He searched all around the house but could not find a newspaper. I told him to just go ask his mom for the newspaper. He had went to her door, knocked on it a couple of times but she didn’t answer. She was playing her rock and roll music extremely loud. I had found a newspaper by the couch and let him know. He then went to her door again to let her know that we were going to the movies.  He said that he heard her say ok. I felt like something was not right. She had been in her room all morning and I had not heard her. My sixth sense had told me something was wrong. I had told him to go talk to her in person. He had went to her door and knocked several times. Her door was locked so he used the key that was above the door sill to open the door. He walked in and saw his mom in bed. He had walked up to her and she didn’t move. He immediately ran back to me with his face extremely pale looking like he was about to pass out. I had asked him what wrong and he said “shes dead”. My heart almost stopped and my stomach felt sick. I knew I had to be strong for him. I had walked into the bedroom and my nose was engulfed with the smell of death. If you have ever smelled death then you know exactly what I am talking about. Its a strong, sour smell that you can never “unsmell”. I had walked over to her and she was laying in her bed not moving. Her body was lifeless. Her chest was not moving up and down. There was no response from her. My boyfriend took his hand shaking and put it to her neck. He immediately took his hand back. He said, “She’s cold.”

I had told him to immediately call 911. His hands were shaking and he could barely breathe. I helped him call down. Within an hour the ambulance and coroner were there to take her away. I had went back into the bedroom with him after they had removed her and noticed a trail of blood on the ground. I showed it to him and he had no idea what that was.

We had to wait on the coroner’s report to find out what had happened. Minutes felt like hours and hours felt like days. I had went home to be with my family. My family in a way didn’t know how to react. They consoled me but yet made me felt like it was nothing big. I was extremely hurt and saddened by how my family reacted. My boyfriend had just lost his mom. His MOM! I was upset so I had just went to my room. I was only 15. I had no idea what emotions I was supposed to feel or not feel. I felt lost, confused, angry and hurt all at once. I didn’t get much sleep that night. I tossed and turned for most of the night. I woke up in the morning thinking that maybe it had all just been a bad dream. I tried to page my boyfriend on his pager several times but he never responded.

A week had passed and he had not called me or paged me. I tried to understand what was going on. I was going through emotions as well. I had witnessed this with him. I felt like he was just pushing me away. I felt like since I was a part of it I would just invoke that horrible day all over for him.

I finally received a call from him and he had asked if I could come over. I had my mom drop me off at his house and he had showed me the obituary. It was determined that her esophagus had exploded. The doctors to did not know why or how but she ended up bleedung to death internally. He was very short with me. He didn’t talk much. He just looked lost. I tried my best to be there for him but I was not what he needed. I ended up going to the funeral and he had ignored me the entire time. I had left without saying good bye. I had left being left with a million and one thoughts to deal with all on my own. I was just a teenager with no real life experiences and felt all alone. I felt like he didn’t really care about me. I had called him about two weeks later and told him that I wanted to break up with him. He said “ok” and hung up on me. I was so confused at this point. How could he just be done with me? How could he not fight for me? How could he just give up on us so easily? I had went over to his house and did not say a word to him. I went into his bedroom and gathered my things. I walked by him and he would not look at me. As I walked out the front door I told him goodbye. He did not respond.

To this day I feel like I have issues of having an overly exaggerated feeling of being pushed away. I feel like if I have a realtionship whether it be a friend, family member or my husband, and they start to either ignore me or avoid me, I go into an instant removal mode. I want to remove myself from them, I want to remove my attachment to them and I want to remove all my emotions I feel about them. I want to save myself from my feelings of getting hurt. I know this life experience has impacted my life drastically and I am glad that I can now have the courage to write about it. I have only told a couple people about this experience. I am hoping I can emotionally heal from this by sharing this.

The calm to my storm

PhotoGrid_1443213704787He is the calm to my storm, the only man I know who goes against the norm.

He has the ability to change my crazy mood, to let me know I need to stop being so crude.

One look from those honey brown eyes and my soul and mind get hypnotized.

I pray for his safety, love and protection. I am blessed that I don’t need to beg for his affection.

His love is pure and he is truely my soul mate. God brought him to me to set my life straight.

He knows I wasn’t living a healthy life style. So he came into my life and made my heart smile.

I thank him everyday for being the best man I could ever dream of. I wish to grow old with him and enjoy all of his love.

Suddenly you realize

So I am at work minding my own business when a co worker calls me over to talk to me. I do not think anything of it. She tells me that she bought me lunch. I was shocked. See this co worker stays to herself and has trust issues. She has taken a liking to me and I just go with the flow. I have never had a real friend in my life. I have had friends come and go in my life but never one that truely understands me, gets me or knows the real me. I have a ton of trust issues so I build a wall that people must break through to get to know me. I have other co wokers who I talk to and I get along with. I have this one who calls me “Her only friend.” She confides in me things about her marriage, her relationships and her past. I would never tell anybody the things that she tells me. I keep what she says to me safe and to myself. When we are together at work we have a blast together. We laugh, we kid around. I do not feel like a friend to her though. I feel like a co worker. We do not hang out outside of work. We just see each other throughout the day and thats all. Friendships are weird and super hard to find. I watch television shows about groups of people hanging out and I always wonder is that real? Does that ever really happen in real life? I honestly can say that I have NEVER EVER met a female thats like me. That thinks like me, understands things like I do or beleive in the things that I belive in. I have always wanted to though. I have always dreamt of what it would be like to have a true friend and friendship with another female. To spend weekends together with, to go places with and do things things with. I have found that females put on fronts. Some act religious and are lost. Others act righteous but cannot think striaght. Some want to seem intelligent but cannot tie their own shoes. It just gets frustrating. Then suddenly I realize that there cannot be another person out like me. I am me and thats all I can be, I am ok with that.

Personal

PhotoGrid_1405123489955I am hesitant to write about something that can trigger a million emotions. I had found a note that said “If you have found this I am gone. He did it.” I am taken back to the very minute I wrote this note. My ex had found out that I started a Facebook page. He had become enraged and threatened my life. I had locked my bedroom door and was hiding in my closet. I was breathing heavily, shaking, I couldn’t catch my breath. I was terrified. I knew my life was at risk. I knew he was going to strangle me. He had done it to me several times in the past. He always got what he wanted. He had always gotten his way. I was always forced to conform. I was always forced to mold into his ways. My voice had been taken away. I was his and his alone. He made great money and gave me everything I wanted. We drove new cars had a beautiful house but I was taken away from everything I loved. My family was forgotten about, I lost all of my friends. I was a prisoner in my own home. I remember going to the store and I went to grab his hand to walk with him. He told me no and that I was to walk behind him. If I didn’t listen I knew what was in store. I didn’t want to make a scene. Don’t ever make a scene out in public. You put on a front to make-believe your relationship is perfect. It was sickening. What was I doing to myself? I believed he loved me. I believed he wanted me. I was forced to do many things I did not want to do. I was lonely. I was alone in HIS world. I was fake. I had to be fake. I had to be fake in order to survive. Those were the worst years of my entire life. I look back on my memories and just shake my head. How could I let those things happen?

Make the pain go away

Treated so bad, tortured every night. Many days sitting by himself, making his life not right.

Left for endless hours all alone, beaten as a child, personality turning to stone.

Hearing the sound of the truck engine and whispers through the door, he knew his time was coming, he knew what was in store.

He would wear thick jeans but that only lasted so long, the man behind the belt knew the boy had done wrong.

He would take the boys clothes to just bare skin, nothing but bare bottom and legs very thin.

How come he got beat? What did he do so bad? How come the woman never helped, how come she never felt sad?

The boy knew she was listening right outside the door, she heard every swat and knew there would be more.

The woman never stopped, never interferred, was she deaf and blind or did she just not care?

Time went past and the whoopings still came, the man tried so hard but the boy was something he could never tame.

The man and woman ruled his every move, controlled his every thought, anger isn’t learned it is something that is taught.

Years went by, and the abuse occured everyday, It was something that was hidden under sarcasm, hate and dismay.

Getting the courage to tell the man how things really are, once again the man putting the blame on the boy and denying the hidden scars.

“I was such a bad Dad and I know what I did wasn’t right”, those were the words spoken on that long unavoidable night.

Time went by and the boy had to act fake. Fake smiles, laughs and grins, he did it for the girls sake .

Words were exchanged in the pool that spring, the mom was being rude and questioned the fake ring.

The time had come where the boy had something to say, “I am wanting to depart and go my own way”

I don’t want any games, just let me be. I will find my own way and finally be set free.

He is now able to do what he wants to do, living his own life and deciding on what to persue.

The names still come up nearly everyday, his life will never be the same but now he can lead his own way.

The first time

Losing something to a precious love, not knowing the outcome, only known from up above.

Not waiting because it felt so right, rushing into it just overnight.

Wanting to take it back and forget it ever happened, now emotionally tied and her heart is in a bend.

Him saying the words that she thought were real, now lost with nothing, he got the good deal.

Wondering if ever cared or if more will come, she was a fool, how could she be so dumb?

A lot of plans were set, marriage kids and a home, now nothing is left.