Tag: obesity

The Wedding

The wedding day was slowly approaching and she was freaking out. It wasn’t even her wedding day. It was the closet person to her, her sisters wedding. Everything was going smoothly until the day came to decide on the maid of honor and bridesmaid dresses. She knew what was in store. Her sister would want her to wear something form fitting, revealing and something not her style. She dreaded going shopping but she knew she had to go. The first store was a total bust. The bridesmaid had found a dress that was perfect for her body because she was a size 2! She could wear any dress in the entire store! Not her though, she was size 20. She had curvy hips and an unforgiving backside.

On to store two they go. Looking around the store there were a ton of beautiful dresses. Some in sizes up to 28. She was finally starting to feel a little more at ease. She liked the selection and the bigger sizes. Out of no where her sister pulls out this ungodly atrocious maroon dress. It was form fitting and had capped sleeves. Her sister was being pushy and convinced her to at least have her try it on. She went to the dressing room and crawled into the dress. Every possible place that could bulge, did. She tried lifting her arms and they would stop midway from being so tight. Then she had her entire arm completely exposed. Her entire burned arm was exposed. How could she tell her sister that she was uncomfortable? How could she let her sister know that the dress was not going to work?

It would have been ok and she would have made it work but then there was the best man. The best man who was constantly flirting with her and would have to walk her down the aisle. He would have to look at her arm. He would have to see the scars. She was mortified. She kept quiet about the dress and left without buying it. Her sister was very persistent and made her go to the wedding shop again. They went and she tried on the dress again and was sick to her stomach. She was not walking down the aisle in this dress. Well, her mom stepped in and made her wear the dress and said that “It wouldn’t be that bad.” She bought the dress, got home and shoved it in the closet. She wanted nothing to do with that horrid dress and wanted to forget all about it.

The wedding day had arrived. The bridesmaid and the sister had went to go get their makeup and nails done and did not invite her. She got dressed at her parents house by herself and did her own hair and makeup. She arrived at the church and tired to sit in the dressing room. The dress was super uncomfortable so she had to stand. The sister’s vail was crooked and she tried to fix it but her arms would not go up higher than midway. The sister started to get upset and yell at her. She explained how the dress was and that it was super uncomfortable. All she heard was “Deal with it” and “It’s your sisters day, don’t ruin it” from her mom.

The time came for her to walk down the aisle. She started to to tear up and wanted to run out of there but she didn’t want to make a scene. She grabbed her flowers and tried to cover her arm as much as possible. The best man had no idea what was going on but did look at her arm and made a weird grossed out look. She was humiliated. She came up with up a brilliant idea that she could just hide her arm by switching sides with the best man. It would solve everything!! She could hide her scars from everybody.

Well, that didn’t work out. As soon as they started to line up she tried to go to the other side and her mom saw what she was trying to do and started yelling at her! She argued that it was fine and not big deal but her mom was not having it. Her mom grabbed her by the arm and told her to stand on the other side. She wanted to burst into tears. Did nobody understand what was going on? Could nobody see how much she wanted to hide herself?

The music started and the best man pulled her down the aisle. She was so embarrassed. Friends and family were just peering at her arm like she was an alien. Eyes bulging out of their heads with snide looks. She kept walking and was finally at the alter. She finally could feel some relief. She was finally able to hide her arm. She stood at the alter with her face as red as the dress. Finally the vows were said and the kiss was made!! It was done. It was over with!

*This was one of the most humiliating times in my life that I want to forget even existed but I seem to remember a lot. It would be the setup for the next five years of my life that would be total hell. This was the day that had started everything.

A New Beginning

I started my writing mainly focusing on my vitiligo and my burn and left out the bigger picture of me being overweight. I have been dealing with several health issues that kind of hindered me from losing weight. I am not ashamed to say but I have sought help from a nutritionist. I needed to speak to someone who has a better understanding of what food is and how it makes me feel. Let me tell you, I could not be more happy with my visit. I have been over weight my entire life. I LOVE food. All kinds of foods (other than seafood). I feel comfort with food and eat with every emotion. I remember as little girl I would sneak food and eat it privately so that others couldn’t see me eating. I would always ask for kids left over at school because my parents were limiting my intake at home. When I was bout 14 I had this friend that had this entire pantry full of snacks and goodies. After everybody in the house was asleep I would wake up and go and steal food and eat it in the bathroom. It felt so good to have those snacks. It felt so good getting that food and not getting caught. I felt a high when I was eating. It was addicting. I would purposely ask to go to my friends house, not to see her but to eat those snacks. It sounds so weird as I am writing about it but at the time it felt satisfying and amazing.

I cannot put the love of food on anybody but myself and well…. guys that I had in my life!! I always seemed to fall into a trap of getting with guys who always ate good or had parents who ate good. Once again, I am not sure if I liked going over to see the guy or if I was only with the guy because he ate good. I remember one of my ex’s mom was a spectacular cook. Oh my goodness!! She would make full on dinners that would lead me so full I couldn’t move. From homemade lasagnas and spaghetti to burritos and casseroles. She made EVERYTHING good. Every time I ate I loved it but then afterwards hated myself for eating.

How can you have such a love hate relationship with food? How can you enjoy food so much but then feel like crap afterwards knowing you are going to be even more fat? It was a dark spiral that I got myself into. Enjoy eating a lot and feel even more worse. I needed an adjustment. I needed a different way of looking at food. I needed a different relationship with food. A better understanding that food is fuel and should be used as such. I was asked a very hard question today that had me thinking like crazy. The question was “Can you tell me a time when you ate because you were physically hungry and not emotionally hungry?” I sat there in silence for several minutes not knowing how to answer this question. I could not remember a time that I ate because I was physically hungry. I could name a million and one times when I ate because I was emotionally hungry. I started to do some real deep thinking about this. I cannot remember a time when I was extremely hungry to to the point of my stomach growling or being upset from not eating. Some would say that I have been blessed to have never been put into that situation. I feel like its more of a curse. I always have food around to satisfy my hunger. It also doesn’t help that I also know how to cook if I need to.

I think it comes down to habits and lifestyle changes that need to be changed or examined. I think I need to look at my habits of eating and how they affect my life. I think I also need to find a replacement for my urges. I was told today that a craving lasts any where from 5-7 minutes. If I can find something to replace that 5-7 minutes then that craving will pass and I will live a healthier life. Its all up to me now! I feel like I am at a point in my life where I am motivated and willing to make this lifestyle change for the better!