I wanted to write about my last experience at a clothing store for bigger sized women. I will not say the name of the store. I wanted to shop there because I find that Wal-Mart and Target have nice clothes but their clothes are not fashionable. Well to me at least they aren’t. So I went into the store with every intention to find a cute outfit. I had a family party coming up and I wanted a new fresh out fit. I started looking at the pants. I had a sales associate walk up to me and started to push pants on me. I am a big girl. I know what looks good on me and what doesn’t. She proceeded to show me pants all around the store. Each one she brought up I found something wrong with it. I have to say, even though I am a big girl I know my body. On top of the fact that I am a big girl I have had to hide my body my entire life. Next we started looking at shirts…oh the shirts! Having to cover my fat arms and my scars…but look at all these tank tops!! Look at all these sleeveless shirts..soooo beautiful!! I look at them at get more and more sad. Sad at the fact of how fashion is and what is considered to be something that looks good. Am I feeling sorry for myself? Maybe. Maybe I am stuck in a world where I do not belong. A world full of beautiful skinned people with perfect bodies. When you have scars or you are overweight you want to do your best to hide. I want to look fashionable and not show off my skin. How is that possible in a world full of Victoria Secret and Kardashians? Isn’t it fashionable to show off your skin? Aren’t you considered beautiful if you show off your skin? Camouflage! Cover it up and look fabulous. You wear spanx and work it girl!! You push that fat in and cover up. I swear I now the ability to cover up, still look sexy and most importantly feel comfortable in my own skin. I have always wanted to start a clothing line for bigger women with scars. Bigger women with insecurities. Bigger women who could cover up and look fabulous. Maybe change fashion to cover up and make exposing yourself taboo again. Who am I kidding!! Needless to say, I walked out of the store empty handed and just put together something in my closet. I felt great about my body and had a great time.
Camouflage
I am hesitant to write about something that can trigger a million emotions. I had found a note that said “If you have found this I am gone. He did it.” I am taken back to the very minute I wrote this note. My ex had found out that I started a Facebook page. He had become enraged and threatened my life. I had locked my bedroom door and was hiding in my closet. I was breathing heavily, shaking, I couldn’t catch my breath. I was terrified. I knew my life was at risk. I knew he was going to strangle me. He had done it to me several times in the past. He always got what he wanted. He had always gotten his way. I was always forced to conform. I was always forced to mold into his ways. My voice had been taken away. I was his and his alone. He made great money and gave me everything I wanted. We drove new cars had a beautiful house but I was taken away from everything I loved. My family was forgotten about, I lost all of my friends. I was a prisoner in my own home. I remember going to the store and I went to grab his hand to walk with him. He told me no and that I was to walk behind him. If I didn’t listen I knew what was in store. I didn’t want to make a scene. Don’t ever make a scene out in public. You put on a front to make-believe your relationship is perfect. It was sickening. What was I doing to myself? I believed he loved me. I believed he wanted me. I was forced to do many things I did not want to do. I was lonely. I was alone in HIS world. I was fake. I had to be fake. I had to be fake in order to survive. Those were the worst years of my entire life. I look back on my memories and just shake my head. How could I let those things happen?
Wanting to be loved and held throughout the night, needing gentle kisses and words to make everything alright.
Why do you sit and wish for every dream to come true? Sit back and let life throw you every curve ball. Don’t be so anxious to have your life already lived. Can anybody show me the book of life? The book that shows all the answers to everyday problems. Does a book like this even exsist? Show me how to live, tell me what I am doing so wrong. When you love and lose, is there anymore left to live for? Why does the past still seem like the present and yet life changes everyday? Even though memories have been made, feelings are there that cannot be hidden. Trying to put emotions aside that shouldn’t be there. The emotions of despair, loneliness and failure. Why does life have to be so strange? Caught in my emotions and needing to release. Every turn of the moon feels thankful for another day. Growing up not knowing the truth. Not knowing if there is someone special who holds all my answers. Going through life blind. Blind to the fact that there is more to life then what is really there. Trusting her every instinct. Knowing that she will be her best guide.
She is stronger than ever! 