I am hesitant to write about something that can trigger a million emotions. I had found a note that said “If you have found this I am gone. He did it.” I am taken back to the very minute I wrote this note. My ex had found out that I started a Facebook page. He had become enraged and threatened my life. I had locked my bedroom door and was hiding in my closet. I was breathing heavily, shaking, I couldn’t catch my breath. I was terrified. I knew my life was at risk. I knew he was going to strangle me. He had done it to me several times in the past. He always got what he wanted. He had always gotten his way. I was always forced to conform. I was always forced to mold into his ways. My voice had been taken away. I was his and his alone. He made great money and gave me everything I wanted. We drove new cars had a beautiful house but I was taken away from everything I loved. My family was forgotten about, I lost all of my friends. I was a prisoner in my own home. I remember going to the store and I went to grab his hand to walk with him. He told me no and that I was to walk behind him. If I didn’t listen I knew what was in store. I didn’t want to make a scene. Don’t ever make a scene out in public. You put on a front to make-believe your relationship is perfect. It was sickening. What was I doing to myself? I believed he loved me. I believed he wanted me. I was forced to do many things I did not want to do. I was lonely. I was alone in HIS world. I was fake. I had to be fake. I had to be fake in order to survive. Those were the worst years of my entire life. I look back on my memories and just shake my head. How could I let those things happen?
Tag: depressed
Make the pain go away
Treated so bad, tortured every night. Many days sitting by himself, making his life not right.
Left for endless hours all alone, beaten as a child, personality turning to stone.
Hearing the sound of the truck engine and whispers through the door, he knew his time was coming, he knew what was in store.
He would wear thick jeans but that only lasted so long, the man behind the belt knew the boy had done wrong.
He would take the boys clothes to just bare skin, nothing but bare bottom and legs very thin.
How come he got beat? What did he do so bad? How come the mom never helped, how come she never felt sad?
The boy knew she was listening right outside the door, she heard every swat and knew there would be more.
The woman never stopped, never interferred, was she deaf and blind or did she just not care?
Time went past and the whoopings still came, the man tried so hard but the boy was something he could never tame.
The man and woman ruled his every move, controlled his every thought, anger isn’t learned it is something that is taught.
Years went by, and the abuse occured everyday, It was something that was hidden under sarcasm, hate and dismay.
Getting the courage to tell the man how things really are, once again the man putting the blame on the boy and denying the hidden scars.
“I was such a bad Dad and I know what I did wasn’t right”, those were the words spoken on that long unavoidable night.
Time went by and the boy had to act fake. Fake smiles, laughs and grins, he did it for the girls sake .
Words were exchanged in the pool that spring, the mom was being rude and questioned the fake ring.
The time had come where the boy had something to say, “I am wanting to depart and go my own way”
I don’t want any games, just let me be. I will find my own way and finally be set free.
He is now able to do what he wants to do, living his own life and deciding on what to persue.
The names still come up nearly everyday, his life will never be the same but now he can lead his own way.
Hope
Why do you sit and wish for every dream to come true? Sit back and let life throw you every curve ball. Don’t be so anxious to have your life already lived. Can anybody show me the book of life? The book that shows all the answers to everyday problems. Does a book like this even exsist? Show me how to live, tell me what I am doing so wrong. When you love and lose, is there anymore left to live for? Why does the past still seem like the present and yet life changes everyday? Even though memories have been made, feelings are there that cannot be hidden. Trying to put emotions aside that shouldn’t be there. The emotions of despair, loneliness and failure. Why does life have to be so strange? Caught in my emotions and needing to release. Every turn of the moon feels thankful for another day. Growing up not knowing the truth. Not knowing if there is someone special who holds all my answers. Going through life blind. Blind to the fact that there is more to life then what is really there. Trusting her every instinct. Knowing that she will be her best guide.
Scarred
Scared, terrified, hands sweaty, fingers trembling, feeling like she is in someone elses skin, body and mind, why can’t people see her fears? Hear her thoughts? wanting someone to listen, kiss her, be there for her when she needs love, rough and wild love, pure not nasty, looking at me crazy, look past her body, replace my scars, take away all these horrific scars, so silent, completely alone, kiss her softly, sexually, tickle her in a naughty way, no one notices her, what are you doing? be with me, hold me, wanting too much, hating life, gloomy thoughts, only one suffering, no one cares, playing with my mind, destroying my life, confused, dazed, lost. Hear me, take me, don’t leave me alone, care for just me, letting myself loose, getting stares, these awful unforgiving stares, STOP STARING AT ME!! hating to be looked at, wanting pleasure, bring pleasure, words told, unthoughtful words, hearing nothing, eyes are deceiving, bring pleasure, emptiness, bare surroundings, silence, blackness, darkness, come to me, i am angry, killing my heart, feeling helpless, no memories, blankness, is there more than this? getting lost, suffering mind, tremendous fear, always losing, no reflection, invisible to the world, outside looking in, alone, fearing people, try to be free, no care, no love
She is stronger than ever! 