Unanswered

Watching his every move, learning his daily routine, never letting go of past mistakes, she sees little differences that he does, making her wonder, making her confused, wanting him to tell the truth, him passing blame, blaming it on her past, blaming it on guys she has been with, needing him, craving him, fighting the demons in her head, not believing him, not hearing him, passing judgement, getting furious, him not taking her seriously, why do you leave your shirts at work? Why do you only go into work early when I am on vacation just wanting to be with you and only you? Too many questions, unanswered questions, leaving her confused, heart being torn, crying, crying out of despair, wanting to trust, not feeling right, that gut clenching feeling that something is not right, checking his phone, checking his call log, NOTHING!! Nothing out of the norm, he is hiding something, put down your wall, push your insecurities aside, learn to trust again, learn to heal your heart, everyday battle. Sadness

Find your Peace

This quarantine has been a little difficult. I have been confined to my home 5 days a week and only go out on Saturday to get groceries. I stay inside with my kids and try to stay positive. Anout a month ago I had an extreme panic attack. I have anxiety and have had it for most of my life. For the most part I know when a panic attack will set in and then I try to calm myself down.

So my last panic attack was just crazy!! I have high blood pressure and have been on the same blood pressure medicine for over a year. So my panic attack started with me looking at my arm. I noticed that my arm was turning blue. Like my entire arm was turning bright blue. I started freaking out. I immediately called my mom and told her to video me. I wanted a second opinion. I showed my mom my arm and she completely agreed that my arm was blue. I freaked out. I hung up with my mom and started to see my other arm turn blue. Thoughts started racing in my mind. (Who would take care of my kids if I died?, What would my husband do without me?, Where would my kids live?) A million and one thoughts rushed to my mind in a matter of seconds making me freak out even more.   I ran upstairs to my kids room and felt extremely disoriented, confused, lightheaded as if I was going to pass out. I looked at my children and could not remember their names. They then freaked out. I told my oldest to find my phone. Seconds felt like hours as we went searching for my phone. I got my phone and tried calling 911. I couldn’t find the numbers. Everything was a blur. I was getting more and more dizzy. I went downstairs and went outside. I was extremely confused. I tried walking to my next door neighbors house but stopped midway and forgot where I was going. I finally got through to 911 and the operator was amazing. It took about 6 minutes for the medics to arrive. They examined me and then took me by ambulance to the hospital. In the ambulance my blood pressure was 189/117 and I was feeling terrible. I felt weak, nervous, paranoid, exhusted and still dizzy.

We arrived at the hospital and it was jammed packed. I was put outside strapped to the gurnee. I had rushes of complete nervousness take over my entire body. I wanted to be free of the straps. I wanted off the gurnee. I felt paranoid as if somebody was coming for me.  The paramedic did his best to calm me down but nothing worked. Twenty minutes later I finally entered the hospital. A doctor came and examined me. He took me to a wheelchair where I sat for the next 4 hours waiting to be seen. My heart was pumping out of my chest. Beating faster and faster. A nurse had taken my vitals and I was 180/100. She asked me if I was ok and I said no. She gave me some water. I drank it super fast. I asked her if I could have some more. I was thrn moved to another room where I was given a muscle relaxer and then released to go home.

This attack was like nothing I had ever experienced before. The next day I woke up and felt sore all over my body. I was very lethargic and dizzy. I knew something was not right so I decided to write my new doctor.

She was amazing! She reviewed my entire chart and asked me why I was on my blood pressure medicine. She told me stop taking my blood pressure medicine and to start taking a water pill. She also got me in touch with a psychologist and provided with with two anxiety apps to use on my phone. I was beyond ecstatic. I did some research of my own on anxiety and found yoga.

Now mind you,  I am a big girl and I second guessed myself when I was looking at the positions!! I am 16 days of doing yoga and could not be more fulfilled. I feel at peace and my body and mind feel settled. I am trying my best to make the best out of this quarantine and use it to my advantage. I wake up early in the morning before everybody is up and go and do my yoga. I get complete quiet time to myself. It is much needed time for my body and soul. I think everybody needs to do self-care in these times of uncertainty. I am starting my adventure being a yogi and I look forward to what changes will come with my mind and body!!

Happy Birthday!

Looking back to how I was raised a word that continually jumps out is “forced”. Forced smiles, forced acting good, forced acting like I want to be around these people, and forced interactions. Forced to behave or else. Forced to go give hugs and kisses to people I didn’t know. Forced to be on my best behavior of sitting quietly. I remember only being with my extended family only on holidays. I laugh now about it, but in all reality, they really were my “Holiday Family.”

Not family that would be there for you when times got tough. Not family that would want to involved in your life. Not family that actually cared about your well-being. No, just family you saw in the holidays where you had to fake everything.

Fast forward years later to my birthday. Let me just say that I hate social media. Its an opportunity for fake relationships and fake interactions. My lovely mom goes ahead and makes a facebook post about my birthday. A cousin of mine then decides to write “Tell her I said Happy Birthday.” My mom goes on to speak about how I have been feeling lately. My cousin then wants more information. This triggered me so badly I felt compelled to get onto my moms facebook page to respond. I am finding that the older I get, the less of a filter I have. I did my best to maintain composure but I did give her a piece of my mind. What could have possibly triggered me, you ask. Well, I am sorry but I have a facebook. My cousin knows that I have a Facebook page. She also has Facebook messenger and a phone. If she REALLY cared about how I was doing, why wouldn’t she just friend me on Facebook? Why wouldn’t she have asked for my phone number? No instead she immediately calls my mom to discuss what I had written. I just do not have words for how I feel right now.

I have tried numerous times to reach out to my cousins to build some kind of relationship. I have asked to hang out over the weekends, to go shopping, and for them to come hang out at my house. They either never responded or just gave excuses.

I always have to question my reaction in situations such as these because I know that I get triggered easily. I guess at first I felt angry. I felt angry because I do not understand why somebody would do that.

I have to say for the remainder of the day I was in a very bad mood. According to my mom, my cousin is supposed to call me. I doubt this will ever happen. If if they did call, I wouldn’t have much to say. I mean, what could I say. Everything that I would want to say would be bitter and negative. I refuse to live my life feeling bitter. Today I choose to put it on “let go.” Just let it go and continue loving those around me that truely love and care for me. Happy Birthday to me!!

Darkness

He knew what he was doing. He knew how the night was going to take place. Every step strategically planned out. Planned out to his advantage. Planned out HIS way. He gets her excited for a party. A party where they have to pick out costumes together. They wanted to look their best. They wanted to impress everybody. They show up to the party looking great. Everybody is commenting on their costumes. They are laughing, enjoying the moment. Enjoying the sights and sounds. They were just friends. Friends that were supposed to have trust in one another. Friends that were supposed to depend on one another for security and comfort. They had known each other for a couple if years now. A very great friendship where secrets were exchanged and great memories were made with one a other. The night is going great. More people are showing up. The music is playing. People are dancing having a great time. He goes and offers her a drink and she declines. He waits a little longer and she accepts. Shes too young for this. Shes too young to be having alcohol. She drinks it and does not like the taste. He encourages her to drink more. She declines amd goes to dance. He moves in close to her. She’s not used to him. She’s not used to this other person he has become. She pushes him away. He smiles and laughs. Oh that smile! That smile that could light up a room. He tries again to get her to drink. This time the drink was something different. It smelled sweet but bitter. She likes it. It makes her feel powerful, free, carefree. She asks for another one. He refuses. But soon gives in and gives her another. She enjoys it. She starts dancing. Dancing wildly. Throwing her hands up the air, shaking and moving her body in ways she never thought she could. He was enjoying her. He was enjoying her carelessness. He watches over her and she notices. She sees how his eyes move up and down her body. Undressing her mildly but something inside her drives to move more. To drink more. She likes the attention. She craves for his attention. Its getting late and the party is coming to an end. He is begging to stay the night. She knows her parents won’t allow it. But they are just friends and her parents trusted him. Her parents give in and allowed him stay. She is surprised they said yes and unexpectedly happy about their decision. She decides to just keep her clothes on and crawls into bed. Her world is spinning. She cannot focus. She cannot see straight. Her head is hurting. Suddenly everything goes black.

She is awoken by the sound of her mom making coffee. She strains to open her eyes. Everything hurts. Her legs hurt, her breasts hurt and even down there is very sore. She looks down at her clothes. She is in a different set of clothes. Her panties are different. What happened? Why was she in completely different clothes? Where did he go? She heard a noise in the bathroom. It was him. She covered herself with the blanket. He walks into the room and smiles at her. She doesn’t understand. She doesn’t know how to feel. Her body goes numb. What happened? Why was she in different clothes?  Her mom comes into the room and asks how everything is. She lies and says fine. She really just wants to run into her moms arms and just cry. She wants the tears to fall. Something happened last night. Something happened that she is responsible for. She wants to tell her mom. She can’t get the words out. She can’t speak.  She stays quiet. She doesn’t say anything.

Days later she decides to meet up with him. She wants to talk about that night. She has questions that need to be answered. She sees him and he is standoffish. He slowly approaches her. She blurts out “What happened that night?” She can’t help it. Its eating her up inside. She knows something happened. “You couldn’t keep your hands off of me.” She laughs and replies “Yea right.” “It’s true. You wanted me, so I gave you me.” A million thoughts rush through her mind. Confused. Anger. Frustration. Just a whrilwind of emotions overloading her mind. “Well do you want the details?” He asked. “NO!” she yells. She didn’t want to know what had happened. She turned and left. She left him there puzzled. In the following weeks flashblacks would come to her. Pictures. Very vivid pictures of what had happened that night. Pictures that she would never be able to erase. Smells that she could never forget.

It wasn’t that bad though. She had wanted it, right?

My household

I grew up in a household with both of my parents working. My dad worked his tail off for many years. He worked nights and the swingshift position. He was injured twice on the job. His first injury was when he broke his back and was paralyzed. The doctors told my mom that he would have a 25% chance to ever walk again even with surgery. My mom being young, depending on my dads income and having two young children, freaked out.  He opted for the surgery and pulled through. He had about a 6 month recovery time from that accident. My mom stood by his side the entire time. He is doing better but is still in a ton of pain. He is able to walk and function on his own. A couple of years after the surgery he had gotten arthritis in the spot where they had cut him. There’s not much that they can do for something like that so my dad just maintains. He was recently hit by an off duty police officer that had been out drinking and playing golf. He suffered a broken shoulder because of that “accident”. He had to have two separate surgeries to fix the torn muscles and ligaments. He also got trigger finger in three fings because of the shoulder surgery. He is in a ton of pain everyday because of these life changing events. He now drinks heavily to kill the pain. I do not blame my dad for drinking. It just kills me to see him killing himself. My mom has been so strong and has been with my dad every step of the way. She has tried her best to maintain the household and be a loving wife. My dad is miserable at times and feels like he is very limited. I have never met a stronger man than my dad. He is headstrong and so determined. I understand more about why I am the way I am from looking at my parents. My mom tries to be the best mom and wife she knows how to be. She continues to try to stay supportive of my life decisions despite them being outrageous and odd. She is always there for me when I need emotional support. My dad even though he is in pain loves to help me out with things I need done at my house. He never complains about helping me and is the most reliable person I have ever met. My dad is always worried aboutmy wellbeing and how my family is doing. he is very considerate and giving. I  As the years go by you start to realize who you are as a person by looking at who your parents are. I love my parents dearly and it is tough seeing them get older. I am having a hard time watching them slow down, and want to take more time and them needing to take naps. Having parents who have been so involved in every aspect of your life makes it hard to see them getting older. My parents have played such a huge role in why I am the person I am today. When I got burned of the age of 3 years old. My mom and dads life basically stopped. I became their main priority and number one concern. My mom made everything so nice for me. She was very tender and considerate of my needs. She made sure that even though I had restraints that I still enjoyed my child hood. I had to wear pressure garments but I still went swimming in a little pool in our backyard. I had to wear a cover up when I went swimming but she made sure to buy me the cutest bathing suit. She took the extra steps to make sure I was comfortable. She transformed our entire living room into my mini hospital. I had to be rubbed down in lotion every night and had to have my pressure garments changed nightly. I remember how she took her time with me and always made sure to make sure I was ok. My mom was alone a lot since my dad worked so much but she made sure me and my sister were involved in things. My sister played the flute and loved being in a band. She is so talented with music. She can keep a beat like no other. In High school we would wake up at 4am to go to her band reviews. She always looked so great in her outfit and she took it very seriously. I feel like my mom tried her best to treat my sister and me equally but I know she favored me a little more. I felt it. I noticed it. My sister noticed it as well. You are never given a book on how to be a parents so you just try your best. You try to treat your children equally. You try to give them the same amount of love. I was never jealous of my sister. I never envied things that she had gotten or how much attention she got from being in a band. I enjoyed listening to her. I enjoyed being around her when she was playing her flute. My parents were amazing to my sister and me. Until this day my mom still asks me if she was a good mom. She feels like she didn’t do enough. I feel like she went above and beyond and is an amazing mom. I couldn’t have asked for a better care giver, provider and supporter.  Life can throw you all kinds of curve balls and unexpected events. You just try to make the best of them but having supportive parents seemed to make life a little more easier.

Hope

20190121_074933Why do you sit and wish for every dream to come true? Sit back and let life throw you every curve ball. Don’t be so anxious to have your life already lived. Can anybody show me the book of life? The book that shows all the answers to everyday problems. Does a book like this even exsist? Show me how to live, tell me what I am doing so wrong. When you love and lose, is there anymore left to live for? Why does the past still seem like the present and yet life changes everyday? Even though memories have been made, feelings are there that cannot be hidden. Trying to put emotions aside that shouldn’t be there. The emotions of despair, loneliness and failure. Why does life have to be so strange? Caught in my emotions and needing to release. Every turn of the moon feels thankful for another day. Growing up not knowing the truth. Not knowing if there is someone special who holds all my answers. Going through life blind. Blind to the fact that there is more to life then what is really there. Trusting her every instinct. Knowing that she will be her best guide.

Thoughts

Life can be pretty cool, chillen with friends, hanging out, living life to the fullest, tomorrow always brings something new, what will happen, time will only tell, wating to freeze time, having too much fun, getting in trouble, staying out late, being close to someone you really like, having them tickle your every tickelish spot, caressing your body with every soft touch, never really knowing what love is, going back and forth betweens guys, never deciding what they mean to her, being confused, letting them see places only God has seen, slowly slipping into another world, a world without any boundaries, any limits, any rules, letting herself be free and have no care in the world, that’s the only problem, she doesn’t care, the outcome won’t matter to her, getting called names, some she doesn’t want to hear, making her out to be something shes not, if she would have just cared, if she would have just looked twice about the outcome, its too late, she is gone, never to be seen again, only an image of our past, she let guys rule her life, her fun has finally ended