Tag: sad

Darkness

He knew what he was doing. He knew how the night was going to take place. Every step strategically planned out. Planned out to his advantage. Planned out HIS way. He gets her excited for a party. A party where they have to pick out costumes together. They wanted to look their best. They wanted to impress everybody. They show up to the party looking great. Everybody is commenting on their costumes. They are laughing, enjoying the moment. Enjoying the sights and sounds. They were just friends. Friends that were supposed to have trust in one another. Friends that were supposed to depend on one another for security and comfort. They had known each other for a couple if years now. A very great friendship where secrets were exchanged and great memories were made with one a other. The night is going great. More people are showing up. The music is playing. People are dancing having a great time. He goes and offers her a drink and she declines. He waits a little longer and she accepts. Shes too young for this. Shes too young to be having alcohol. She drinks it and does not like the taste. He encourages her to drink more. She declines amd goes to dance. He moves in close to her. She’s not used to him. She’s not used to this other person he has become. She pushes him away. He smiles and laughs. Oh that smile! That smile that could light up a room. He tries again to get her to drink. This time the drink was something different. It smelled sweet but bitter. She likes it. It makes her feel powerful, free, carefree. She asks for another one. He refuses. But soon gives in and gives her another. She enjoys it. She starts dancing. Dancing wildly. Throwing her hands up the air, shaking and moving her body in ways she never thought she could. He was enjoying her. He was enjoying her carelessness. He watches over her and she notices. She sees how his eyes move up and down her body. Undressing her mildly but something inside her drives to move more. To drink more. She likes the attention. She craves for his attention. Its getting late and the party is coming to an end. He is begging to stay the night. She knows her parents won’t allow it. But they are just friends and her parents trusted him. Her parents give in and allowed him stay. She is surprised they said yes and unexpectedly happy about their decision. She decides to just keep her clothes on and crawls into bed. Her world is spinning. She cannot focus. She cannot see straight. Her head is hurting. Suddenly everything goes black.

She is awoken by the sound of her mom making coffee. She strains to open her eyes. Everything hurts. Her legs hurt, her breasts hurt and even down there is very sore. She looks down at her clothes. She is in a different set of clothes. Her panties are different. What happened? Why was she in completely different clothes? Where did he go? She heard a noise in the bathroom. It was him. She covered herself with the blanket. He walks into the room and smiles at her. She doesn’t understand. She doesn’t know how to feel. Her body goes numb. What happened? Why was she in different clothes?  Her mom comes into the room and asks how everything is. She lies and says fine. She really just wants to run into her moms arms and just cry. She wants the tears to fall. Something happened last night. Something happened that she is responsible for. She wants to tell her mom. She can’t get the words out. She can’t speak.  She stays quiet. She doesn’t say anything.

Days later she decides to meet up with him. She wants to talk about that night. She has questions that need to be answered. She sees him and he is standoffish. He slowly approaches her. She blurts out “What happened that night?” She can’t help it. Its eating her up inside. She knows something happened. “You couldn’t keep your hands off of me.” She laughs and replies “Yea right.” “It’s true. You wanted me, so I gave you me.” A million thoughts rush through her mind. Confused. Anger. Frustration. Just a whrilwind of emotions overloading her mind. “Well do you want the details?” He asked. “NO!” she yells. She didn’t want to know what had happened. She turned and left. She left him there puzzled. In the following weeks flashblacks would come to her. Pictures. Very vivid pictures of what had happened that night. Pictures that she would never be able to erase. Smells that she could never forget.

It wasn’t that bad though. She had wanted it, right?

Make the pain go away

Treated so bad, tortured every night. Many days sitting by himself, making his life not right.

Left for endless hours all alone, beaten as a child, personality turning to stone.

Hearing the sound of the truck engine and whispers through the door, he knew his time was coming, he knew what was in store.

He would wear thick jeans but that only lasted so long, the man behind the belt knew the boy had done wrong.

He would take the boys clothes to just bare skin, nothing but bare bottom and legs very thin.

How come he got beat? What did he do so bad? How come the mom never helped, how come she never felt sad?

The boy knew she was listening right outside the door, she heard every swat and knew there would be more.

The woman never stopped, never interferred, was she deaf and blind or did she just not care?

Time went past and the whoopings still came, the man tried so hard but the boy was something he could never tame.

The man and woman ruled his every move, controlled his every thought, anger isn’t learned it is something that is taught.

Years went by, and the abuse occured everyday, It was something that was hidden under sarcasm, hate and dismay.

Getting the courage to tell the man how things really are, once again the man putting the blame on the boy and denying the hidden scars.

“I was such a bad Dad and I know what I did wasn’t right”, those were the words spoken on that long unavoidable night.

Time went by and the boy had to act fake. Fake smiles, laughs and grins, he did it for the girls sake .

Words were exchanged in the pool that spring, the mom was being rude and questioned the fake ring.

The time had come where the boy had something to say, “I am wanting to depart and go my own way”

I don’t want any games, just let me be. I will find my own way and finally be set free.

He is now able to do what he wants to do, living his own life and deciding on what to persue.

The names still come up nearly everyday, his life will never be the same but now he can lead his own way.

Scarred

Scared, terrified, hands sweaty, fingers trembling, feeling like she is in someone elses skin, body and mind, why can’t people see her fears? Hear her thoughts? wanting someone to listen, kiss her, be there for her when she needs love, rough and wild love, pure not nasty, looking at me crazy, look past her body, replace my scars, take away all these horrific scars, so silent, completely alone, kiss her softly, sexually, tickle her in a naughty way, no one notices her, what are you doing? be with me, hold me, wanting too much, hating life, gloomy thoughts, only one suffering, no one cares, playing with my mind, destroying my life, confused, dazed, lost. Hear me, take me, don’t leave me alone, care for just me, letting myself loose, getting stares, these awful unforgiving stares, STOP STARING AT ME!! hating to be looked at, wanting pleasure, bring pleasure, words told, unthoughtful words, hearing nothing, eyes are deceiving, bring pleasure, emptiness, bare surroundings, silence, blackness, darkness, come to me, i am angry, killing my heart, feeling helpless, no memories, blankness, is there more than this? getting lost, suffering mind, tremendous fear, always losing, no reflection, invisible to the world, outside looking in, alone, fearing people, try to be free, no care, no love

A night to never forget

A strange hand, feels cold, very cold, like she never felt it before, feeling uncomfortable, and not wanting to be there, thinking the people around her were her friends, wanting to erase the night, so much anger, just wanting to hit some thing hard or runaway and cry the night away, he making fun of her, trying to be nice, him not having a life, stuck in a fantasy life, nothing ever making sense, feeling nervous like someone was watching over her, talking to her best friend, having nothing in common with her, making her feel unwanted, watching the hour fly by, just wanting to be held or be left alone, so many mixed emotions, seeing the mark on his neck, having his pager go off, making her wonder, who would page him, getting jealous like they were going out, never knowing what he thinks, what he does or if he really ever thinks of her, making her fall in love with him, something that never really existed, so many questions going unanswered, wanting to give in, starting something that will never be finished, slowly dieing inside, ripping her insides out, it will all soon be over

Thoughts

Life can be pretty cool, chillen with friends, hanging out, living life to the fullest, tomorrow always brings something new, what will happen, time will only tell, wating to freeze time, having too much fun, getting in trouble, staying out late, being close to someone you really like, having them tickle your every tickelish spot, caressing your body with every soft touch, never really knowing what love is, going back and forth betweens guys, never deciding what they mean to her, being confused, letting them see places only God has seen, slowly slipping into another world, a world without any boundaries, any limits, any rules, letting herself be free and have no care in the world, that’s the only problem, she doesn’t care, the outcome won’t matter to her, getting called names, some she doesn’t want to hear, making her out to be something shes not, if she would have just cared, if she would have just looked twice about the outcome, its too late, she is gone, never to be seen again, only an image of our past, she let guys rule her life, her fun has finally ended

Granny

As the years go by people come and go, I never thought losing you would make me feel so low. Though we weren’t that close you have a special place in my heart. I will always think of you, those memeories will never part.

You lived a long time, you touched a lot of lives. Granny, you were the best great-grandma I could ever asked for, I only wish we could have shared good-byes.

Times goes by whether you like it or not, you have the choice to love or to live with angry thoughts. You have touched my inner self with the little things you say, I will miss you forever, each passing day.

Some goodbyes are goodbyes but some goodbyes are forever.