Within the last couple of years my eyes have opened more to see things more clearly. I have noticed things about people that I may have just brushed off in the past. I realize people change and circumstances change but I didn’t realize that feelings changed so drastically. I am the type of person to take notice of other people’s body language and words. I know that if I am trying to talk to you and you are on your phone, I do not have your undivided attention. I also notice that when you can’t stop doing what you are doing and listen to me, then I truely do not have your attention. I also realize when my pure existence is just to keep you entertained. I am coming to understand that with one particular persons life, I am merely a puppet. This person thrives off of the fact that I am doing bad. They want me in a position to where they have to help me. If I dont NEED them then I am just another person to them. They merely feed off my misery. I have taken time to look back on my life and realized that there hasn’t been one time when this person was truely happy for me. I mean truely happy for me. They have always been there to support me, but that is because I was in need of them. Once I got onto my own two feet and started showing that I am doing good, I noticed a change. I noticed a change in behavior and feelings. I wanted this person to just be happy for me. Truely happy for me. Is it so hard for someone to be happy for someone else?
Tag: emotions
Darkness
He knew what he was doing. He knew how the night was going to take place. Every step strategically planned out. Planned out to his advantage. Planned out HIS way. He gets her excited for a party. A party where they have to pick out costumes together. They wanted to look their best. They wanted to impress everybody. They show up to the party looking great. Everybody is commenting on their costumes. They are laughing, enjoying the moment. Enjoying the sights and sounds. They were just friends. Friends that were supposed to have trust in one another. Friends that were supposed to depend on one another for security and comfort. They had known each other for a couple if years now. A very great friendship where secrets were exchanged and great memories were made with one a other. The night is going great. More people are showing up. The music is playing. People are dancing having a great time. He goes and offers her a drink and she declines. He waits a little longer and she accepts. Shes too young for this. Shes too young to be having alcohol. She drinks it and does not like the taste. He encourages her to drink more. She declines amd goes to dance. He moves in close to her. She’s not used to him. She’s not used to this other person he has become. She pushes him away. He smiles and laughs. Oh that smile! That smile that could light up a room. He tries again to get her to drink. This time the drink was something different. It smelled sweet but bitter. She likes it. It makes her feel powerful, free, carefree. She asks for another one. He refuses. But soon gives in and gives her another. She enjoys it. She starts dancing. Dancing wildly. Throwing her hands up the air, shaking and moving her body in ways she never thought she could. He was enjoying her. He was enjoying her carelessness. He watches over her and she notices. She sees how his eyes move up and down her body. Undressing her mildly but something inside her drives to move more. To drink more. She likes the attention. She craves for his attention. Its getting late and the party is coming to an end. He is begging to stay the night. She knows her parents won’t allow it. But they are just friends and her parents trusted him. Her parents give in and allowed him stay. She is surprised they said yes and unexpectedly happy about their decision. She decides to just keep her clothes on and crawls into bed. Her world is spinning. She cannot focus. She cannot see straight. Her head is hurting. Suddenly everything goes black.
She is awoken by the sound of her mom making coffee. She strains to open her eyes. Everything hurts. Her legs hurt, her breasts hurt and even down there is very sore. She looks down at her clothes. She is in a different set of clothes. Her panties are different. What happened? Why was she in completely different clothes? Where did he go? She heard a noise in the bathroom. It was him. She covered herself with the blanket. He walks into the room and smiles at her. She doesn’t understand. She doesn’t know how to feel. Her body goes numb. What happened? Why was she in different clothes? Her mom comes into the room and asks how everything is. She lies and says fine. She really just wants to run into her moms arms and just cry. She wants the tears to fall. Something happened last night. Something happened that she is responsible for. She wants to tell her mom. She can’t get the words out. She can’t speak. She stays quiet. She doesn’t say anything.
Days later she decides to meet up with him. She wants to talk about that night. She has questions that need to be answered. She sees him and he is standoffish. He slowly approaches her. She blurts out “What happened that night?” She can’t help it. Its eating her up inside. She knows something happened. “You couldn’t keep your hands off of me.” She laughs and replies “Yea right.” “It’s true. You wanted me, so I gave you me.” A million thoughts rush through her mind. Confused. Anger. Frustration. Just a whrilwind of emotions overloading her mind. “Well do you want the details?” He asked. “NO!” she yells. She didn’t want to know what had happened. She turned and left. She left him there puzzled. In the following weeks flashblacks would come to her. Pictures. Very vivid pictures of what had happened that night. Pictures that she would never be able to erase. Smells that she could never forget.
It wasn’t that bad though. She had wanted it, right?
Sue
I feel like the ages of 14-17 are the most impressionable moments in a childs life. We are learning about our bodies, we are learning about life and most of all we are experiencing changes that we have never felt before.
I had the opportunity to have met a guy when I was 15. He was two years older than I was. It was an instant attraction and I thought I would stay with him for a long time. We shared some great memories together and he showed me a lot about life. I had experienced things with him that I had NEVER experienced. I trusted him because I felt like he protected me. I had wanted to learn more about life and experience life more so I felt like I always wanted to be around him. One particular day would change my life so drastically, it would result in the many issues I have today.
It was a sunny Saturday and him and I were bored just hanging out at the house. He suggested that we go and see a movie. I thought it was a cool idea so I told him to go ask his mom for the newspaper so we could what was playing. He searched all around the house but could not find a newspaper. I told him to just go ask his mom for the newspaper. He had went to her door, knocked on it a couple of times but she didn’t answer. She was playing her rock and roll music extremely loud. I had found a newspaper by the couch and let him know. He then went to her door again to let her know that we were going to the movies. He said that he heard her say ok. I felt like something was not right. She had been in her room all morning and I had not heard her. My sixth sense had told me something was wrong. I had told him to go talk to her in person. He had went to her door and knocked several times. Her door was locked so he used the key that was above the door sill to open the door. He walked in and saw his mom in bed. He had walked up to her and she didn’t move. He immediately ran back to me with his face extremely pale looking like he was about to pass out. I had asked him what wrong and he said “shes dead”. My heart almost stopped and my stomach felt sick. I knew I had to be strong for him. I had walked into the bedroom and my nose was engulfed with the smell of death. If you have ever smelled death then you know exactly what I am talking about. Its a strong, sour smell that you can never “unsmell”. I had walked over to her and she was laying in her bed not moving. Her body was lifeless. Her chest was not moving up and down. There was no response from her. My boyfriend took his hand shaking and put it to her neck. He immediately took his hand back. He said, “She’s cold.”
I had told him to immediately call 911. His hands were shaking and he could barely breathe. I helped him call down. Within an hour the ambulance and coroner were there to take her away. I had went back into the bedroom with him after they had removed her and noticed a trail of blood on the ground. I showed it to him and he had no idea what that was.
We had to wait on the coroner’s report to find out what had happened. Minutes felt like hours and hours felt like days. I had went home to be with my family. My family in a way didn’t know how to react. They consoled me but yet made me felt like it was nothing big. I was extremely hurt and saddened by how my family reacted. My boyfriend had just lost his mom. His MOM! I was upset so I had just went to my room. I was only 15. I had no idea what emotions I was supposed to feel or not feel. I felt lost, confused, angry and hurt all at once. I didn’t get much sleep that night. I tossed and turned for most of the night. I woke up in the morning thinking that maybe it had all just been a bad dream. I tried to page my boyfriend on his pager several times but he never responded.
A week had passed and he had not called me or paged me. I tried to understand what was going on. I was going through emotions as well. I had witnessed this with him. I felt like he was just pushing me away. I felt like since I was a part of it I would just invoke that horrible day all over for him.
I finally received a call from him and he had asked if I could come over. I had my mom drop me off at his house and he had showed me the obituary. It was determined that her esophagus had exploded. The doctors to did not know why or how but she ended up bleedung to death internally. He was very short with me. He didn’t talk much. He just looked lost. I tried my best to be there for him but I was not what he needed. I ended up going to the funeral and he had ignored me the entire time. I had left without saying good bye. I had left being left with a million and one thoughts to deal with all on my own. I was just a teenager with no real life experiences and felt all alone. I felt like he didn’t really care about me. I had called him about two weeks later and told him that I wanted to break up with him. He said “ok” and hung up on me. I was so confused at this point. How could he just be done with me? How could he not fight for me? How could he just give up on us so easily? I had went over to his house and did not say a word to him. I went into his bedroom and gathered my things. I walked by him and he would not look at me. As I walked out the front door I told him goodbye. He did not respond.
To this day I feel like I have issues of having an overly exaggerated feeling of being pushed away. I feel like if I have a realtionship whether it be a friend, family member or my husband, and they start to either ignore me or avoid me, I go into an instant removal mode. I want to remove myself from them, I want to remove my attachment to them and I want to remove all my emotions I feel about them. I want to save myself from my feelings of getting hurt. I know this life experience has impacted my life drastically and I am glad that I can now have the courage to write about it. I have only told a couple people about this experience. I am hoping I can emotionally heal from this by sharing this.
Hope
Why do you sit and wish for every dream to come true? Sit back and let life throw you every curve ball. Don’t be so anxious to have your life already lived. Can anybody show me the book of life? The book that shows all the answers to everyday problems. Does a book like this even exsist? Show me how to live, tell me what I am doing so wrong. When you love and lose, is there anymore left to live for? Why does the past still seem like the present and yet life changes everyday? Even though memories have been made, feelings are there that cannot be hidden. Trying to put emotions aside that shouldn’t be there. The emotions of despair, loneliness and failure. Why does life have to be so strange? Caught in my emotions and needing to release. Every turn of the moon feels thankful for another day. Growing up not knowing the truth. Not knowing if there is someone special who holds all my answers. Going through life blind. Blind to the fact that there is more to life then what is really there. Trusting her every instinct. Knowing that she will be her best guide.
She is stronger than ever! 