Happy Birthday!

Looking back to how I was raised a word that continually jumps out is “forced”. Forced smiles, forced acting good, forced acting like I want to be around these people, and forced interactions. Forced to behave or else. Forced to go give hugs and kisses to people I didn’t know. Forced to be on my best behavior of sitting quietly. I remember only being with my extended family only on holidays. I laugh now about it, but in all reality, they really were my “Holiday Family.”

Not family that would be there for you when times got tough. Not family that would want to involved in your life. Not family that actually cared about your well-being. No, just family you saw in the holidays where you had to fake everything.

Fast forward years later to my birthday. Let me just say that I hate social media. Its an opportunity for fake relationships and fake interactions. My lovely mom goes ahead and makes a facebook post about my birthday. A cousin of mine then decides to write “Tell her I said Happy Birthday.” My mom goes on to speak about how I have been feeling lately. My cousin then wants more information. This triggered me so badly I felt compelled to get onto my moms facebook page to respond. I am finding that the older I get, the less of a filter I have. I did my best to maintain composure but I did give her a piece of my mind. What could have possibly triggered me, you ask. Well, I am sorry but I have a facebook. My cousin knows that I have a Facebook page. She also has Facebook messenger and a phone. If she REALLY cared about how I was doing, why wouldn’t she just friend me on Facebook? Why wouldn’t she have asked for my phone number? No instead she immediately calls my mom to discuss what I had written. I just do not have words for how I feel right now.

I have tried numerous times to reach out to my cousins to build some kind of relationship. I have asked to hang out over the weekends, to go shopping, and for them to come hang out at my house. They either never responded or just gave excuses.

I always have to question my reaction in situations such as these because I know that I get triggered easily. I guess at first I felt angry. I felt angry because I do not understand why somebody would do that.

I have to say for the remainder of the day I was in a very bad mood. According to my mom, my cousin is supposed to call me. I doubt this will ever happen. If if they did call, I wouldn’t have much to say. I mean, what could I say. Everything that I would want to say would be bitter and negative. I refuse to live my life feeling bitter. Today I choose to put it on “let go.” Just let it go and continue loving those around me that truely love and care for me. Happy Birthday to me!!

My household

I grew up in a household with both of my parents working. My dad worked his tail off for many years. He worked nights and the swingshift position. He was injured twice on the job. His first injury was when he broke his back and was paralyzed. The doctors told my mom that he would have a 25% chance to ever walk again even with surgery. My mom being young, depending on my dads income and having two young children, freaked out.  He opted for the surgery and pulled through. He had about a 6 month recovery time from that accident. My mom stood by his side the entire time. He is doing better but is still in a ton of pain. He is able to walk and function on his own. A couple of years after the surgery he had gotten arthritis in the spot where they had cut him. There’s not much that they can do for something like that so my dad just maintains. He was recently hit by an off duty police officer that had been out drinking and playing golf. He suffered a broken shoulder because of that “accident”. He had to have two separate surgeries to fix the torn muscles and ligaments. He also got trigger finger in three fings because of the shoulder surgery. He is in a ton of pain everyday because of these life changing events. He now drinks heavily to kill the pain. I do not blame my dad for drinking. It just kills me to see him killing himself. My mom has been so strong and has been with my dad every step of the way. She has tried her best to maintain the household and be a loving wife. My dad is miserable at times and feels like he is very limited. I have never met a stronger man than my dad. He is headstrong and so determined. I understand more about why I am the way I am from looking at my parents. My mom tries to be the best mom and wife she knows how to be. She continues to try to stay supportive of my life decisions despite them being outrageous and odd. She is always there for me when I need emotional support. My dad even though he is in pain loves to help me out with things I need done at my house. He never complains about helping me and is the most reliable person I have ever met. My dad is always worried aboutmy wellbeing and how my family is doing. he is very considerate and giving. I  As the years go by you start to realize who you are as a person by looking at who your parents are. I love my parents dearly and it is tough seeing them get older. I am having a hard time watching them slow down, and want to take more time and them needing to take naps. Having parents who have been so involved in every aspect of your life makes it hard to see them getting older. My parents have played such a huge role in why I am the person I am today. When I got burned of the age of 3 years old. My mom and dads life basically stopped. I became their main priority and number one concern. My mom made everything so nice for me. She was very tender and considerate of my needs. She made sure that even though I had restraints that I still enjoyed my child hood. I had to wear pressure garments but I still went swimming in a little pool in our backyard. I had to wear a cover up when I went swimming but she made sure to buy me the cutest bathing suit. She took the extra steps to make sure I was comfortable. She transformed our entire living room into my mini hospital. I had to be rubbed down in lotion every night and had to have my pressure garments changed nightly. I remember how she took her time with me and always made sure to make sure I was ok. My mom was alone a lot since my dad worked so much but she made sure me and my sister were involved in things. My sister played the flute and loved being in a band. She is so talented with music. She can keep a beat like no other. In High school we would wake up at 4am to go to her band reviews. She always looked so great in her outfit and she took it very seriously. I feel like my mom tried her best to treat my sister and me equally but I know she favored me a little more. I felt it. I noticed it. My sister noticed it as well. You are never given a book on how to be a parents so you just try your best. You try to treat your children equally. You try to give them the same amount of love. I was never jealous of my sister. I never envied things that she had gotten or how much attention she got from being in a band. I enjoyed listening to her. I enjoyed being around her when she was playing her flute. My parents were amazing to my sister and me. Until this day my mom still asks me if she was a good mom. She feels like she didn’t do enough. I feel like she went above and beyond and is an amazing mom. I couldn’t have asked for a better care giver, provider and supporter.  Life can throw you all kinds of curve balls and unexpected events. You just try to make the best of them but having supportive parents seemed to make life a little more easier.

Memories

20141027_181252Do you ever have flashbacks of your younger years? I get them more now than ever. I have random memories pop up and I feel lost in that moment. Some memories are amazing others not so much. My latest memory was when I was in 3rd grade. They had these huge metal rings that you would swing on. You had to stand in line to get your turn. It was my turn and I look over to my left and I see my mom on the playground. My mom worked as an assist in a classroom and helped out in classrooms. My hands were very sweaty so I wiped them off on my jeans and reached for the first ring. Because of my burn I was not able to stretch out my arm as my other arm. My mom started walking in closer. I just smiled at her as if I was reassuring her that I was ok. I then proceeded to start a swinging motion for the second ring. My hand had slipped and I feel into the bark. I heard a couple of snickers but I brushed myself off and stood up. Before I knew it my mom was grabbing me under my underarns and tried to put me on the rings. I got so upset. I started kicking my legs and telling her no. Some of the kids got upset and started telling me I had to wait in line again. I felt so embarrassed. Why would my mom do this to me? Did she feel sorry for me?

All my life I was treated differently than my sister. I was given more and shown more love. They say favoritism shouldn’t exsist in a family. That’s all I felt growing up. I was given special treatment because I was burned. I felt bad for my sister. Till this day my mom and sisters relationship is very toxic. I am always put in the middle of their arguements. I hear both sides and I have to stay neutral. My sister doesn’t understand my mom and my mom doesn’t understand my sister. Its a constant struggle. I love both of them dearly.